Courage is a quality that at all times was considered a great advantage of those who possessed it. “The city takes courage”, “He who dares eats” - this attitude of society makes many people think about how to become brave and where to start working on themselves.
There is no innate gift of courage, no magical elixir like the one the cowardly lion had to drink from the fairy tale about the Wizard of Oz.
Congenital and acquired fears
In fact, the truth is simple - a daredevil is someone who has overcome their fear. Initially, only two types of fear are embedded in the human subconscious: fear of noise and fear of falling.
They exist in a newly born newborn as a means of self-preservation, as a warning system. All other fears are kindly passed on to a person by society, family, and immediate surroundings, starting from early childhood.
The mother shouts to the baby: “Don’t go there, there’s a scary dog there!” The teacher inspires: “Don’t do what no one has done before - you won’t achieve anything in life this way!” Dad teaches his growing son: “Don’t mess with girls like that, they’ll only cause you trouble.” Relatives keep telling the girl: “Where are you going to become an actress, you’re fat and ugly, go to economics.” The news program is replete with disasters and the consequences of natural disasters.
This is how the fear of dogs, the fear of taking independent steps, timidity in front of women, the fear of public speaking, the fear of flying on an airplane, and many, many more similar fears, which would take quite a long time to list, take root firmly in the subconscious. In addition to society, a person himself also does a lot to instill limiting beliefs in himself.
People are afraid of the future, afraid of old age, afraid of going crazy, afraid of losing money. Fear deprives a person of a chance to take decisive steps, to make changes in his life, and causes failure. But if you carefully analyze the fears that overcome a person, you understand that it is their own thoughts that prevent people from developing self-confidence and being brave.
How to become self-confident: 5 steps to the goal
Before we dive headfirst into building true self-confidence, let's take a step back and try to understand what confidence is.
Confidence is knowing that what you have will later become what you want and make you happier. This is a necessary condition for an idea to become an action.
Confidence is the ability to believe in yourself when a big deal comes up, raise your hand when an interesting project comes up, or speak at a conference (and without any anxiety!). Confidence is not a 100% guarantee that everything will always work out, but it helps you get out of your comfort zone, expand your boundaries and set a course for success.
Statistics confirm that success has more to do with confidence than competence. So here are five steps to self-confidence.
Act Confident
As strange as it may sound, to learn to be truly confident, you can first fake confidence. In the wild, some animals pretend to be brave in the face of danger. Pretend too.
Self-hypnosis doesn't work. Our brain analyzes and compares our expectations with our experience and real life situation. If these two aspects do not correspond to each other, the brain goes out of control and you begin to experience stress. Anxiety and negative thoughts appear, due to which all self-confidence disappears. So what should we do?
Better prepare for an exciting situation, rehearse in front of a mirror (pay attention to both the tone of your voice and facial expressions) and look at others positively, enjoy communicating with them. This will give the brain “sufficient reason” to believe that our positive attitude corresponds to a favorable external situation, and confidence will appear on its own.
Remember that you expect more from yourself than others expect from you.
The good news is that the whole world will believe what you show. Thank God, no one can read your thoughts or know about your fears and anxiety.
The bad news: you can misinterpret any sideways glance, any random word, any reaction of people to your actions, and then worry about this (thought up by you) issue.
In this case, psychologists recommend listening to your inner voice (don’t get scared ahead of time, no one is going to persuade you to engage in self-hypnosis). Try a little experiment: for one week, write down what thoughts are spinning in your head (exact wording) when you feel a lack of self-confidence.
By simply recording and analyzing your self-talk, you'll be one step closer to reducing and hopefully eliminating these thoughts.
In addition, it is useful to write down and keep on hand a list of your achievements, experiences, events that made you feel important, confident, and understand that your actions are beneficial.
Every time your inner voice gets out of hand, take a three-minute break, pick up a list, and remind yourself how good you can be. Provide your brain with tangible evidence when you need extra reassurance.
Monitor your physical condition
I know it's a cliché to say that you need to take care of your health, but this cliché didn't come out of nowhere. Have you ever wondered why all successful leaders, without exception, regularly play sports? If you overwork, eat fast food, don't sleep enough, and lead a mostly sedentary lifestyle, it becomes harder to show the world the best version of yourself.
You don't need to train until you drop for several hours a day: a 30-minute walk from work to home or climbing the stairs to the 10th floor can be enough to release endorphins. Start with small changes in your usual lifestyle and gradually get used to them.
Difficulties and, accordingly, stress need to be added to your life in very small portions. It is necessary to trick yourself so that both physical and mental health are in balance.
Increase your output, change your internal dialogue
Do you know why most people's communication skills leave much to be desired? Because they are in their own thoughts. Instead of focusing on their interlocutor and demonstrating their affection, they think about how not to blurt out something stupid and what smart thing to say next. The main reason for this behavior: they were poorly prepared.
It's almost impossible to be truly confident if you haven't prepared enough to put your best foot forward. Think about the people you are talking to. What do they really want? What's stopping them? How can you help them?
If you focus on helping your interlocutor, you will get rid of anxiety and receive the same genuine interest in response.
This method is worth using to promote your services or if you want to make an impression at any event.
Take the time to research materials on the topic and your audience. Every hour spent doing this activity will bring a disproportionately large result. And what happens when you get positive feedback? You guessed it—you'll gain lasting, genuine self-confidence.
Fail Fast, Fail Often
The dreaded word that paralyzes even great people and prevents them from achieving success is failure. It especially haunts those who are perfectionists by nature and are chronically afraid of doing something wrong.
But failures happen in our lives, it’s simply inevitable. In fact, if you don't make mistakes, it means you're not learning anything new. Remember Ramit Sethi’s saying more often: “It’s not a failure, it’s a test.”
You're just checking that it won't work. And when you know this, you can move on and find ways that will lead to the desired result.
And most importantly: once you come to your senses after another “failure,” you realize that you do not feel empty. After all, it is these experiences that help you face your fears and achieve your goals in the future.
A simple recipe - do what you fear
How to gain courage? The poet and philosopher R. Emerson gives simple advice: “Do what you are afraid to do, and fear has nothing left to do but perish.”
A now famous singer was invited to audition. Possessing an amazingly beautiful and powerful voice, she could not go through the first three stages, because she told herself that she would certainly be overcome by fear.
Indeed, her first performances ended with her suddenly stopping singing with tears in her eyes due to a spasm in her throat. Self-hypnosis, the words of which she repeated for several days, helped her become more confident, saying that she was not afraid of either the stage or the audience. Her final performance created a sensation and paved the way for further victories for the singer.
How to become bolder and more decisive?
On the way to any goal, a person will be forced to solve certain problems. To overcome something, you need to decide how to deal with it. And a person, first of all, must think with his own head, try to solve all issues himself, which will allow him to show such a quality as determination, which, together with courage, helps to achieve any goals.
To be decisive, you need to take responsibility. Indecision indicates that a person is afraid of the consequences that may arise as a result of his actions. And fear arises on the basis of irresponsibility, when a person does not want to confront, understand, or do anything.
Thus, courage and determination go hand in hand. To be decisive, you need to stop being afraid that consequences may arise, because of which a person will have to think with his own head, respond and do something.
It is increasingly becoming more difficult for modern people to make their own decisions and follow them. This is facilitated by the large number of people who surround you and are ready to help. Parents always try to care for their child, even when he is already an adult and independent. Friends and loved ones also take on the role of helpers, trying to give advice or express their opinions in any situation. Being decisive has become much more difficult because those who help you also demand that their opinions and advice be taken into account. Otherwise, you will face resentment or someone's detachment.
How to become more decisive? How to overcome what society brings up so well in every person - immaturity and cowardice? You need to learn at least from making your own decisions in small things. For example, go to a store and buy something that you personally like. Or resolve to wake up an hour earlier every day than you once did. In any situation, try to listen to yourself and your desires and make decisions based only on them.
Undoubtedly, the people around you will begin to tell you something of their own, give advice, insist on something. But it is up to you not to listen to them. If you hear a recommendation that does not correspond to your desires and opinions, you have the right not to listen to it. Your life, and you must live it the way you personally want.
Learn to make your own decisions in small things: buying something for yourself, leading your lifestyle, imagining what you want. Gradually you will gain experience and begin to make decisions in more serious situations. And let someone not approve of him, condemn him, say “wrong.” All this is not important for you now. Learn to make “your own decision”, which will be independent of what other people tell you and how they evaluate it!
Determination appears where a person is ready to act independently and face any consequences, not run away from them, and not shift responsibility to other people. Decisiveness is the willingness to think for yourself and take responsibility.
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How to overcome the fear of failure
Have you ever encountered such a phenomenon as complete amnesia during exams? Knowledge, so carefully acquired, simply flies out of your head during testing. The reason for this is the fear of failure, emotions of excitement, fear of being insolvent at the right time.
How to become bolder and more decisive before an important test, no matter whether it is an exam or a job interview? Remember that you have a powerful assistant in cultivating courage, who is always nearby - this is our subconscious.
This assistant is very sensitive and always strives for mutual understanding. You just need to relax, calm down and be more confident in yourself. Imagine how you will feel a sense of satisfaction, as if everything is already over and you showed your best side.
The subconscious will definitely help you gain confidence in your abilities and bravely withstand the upcoming test.
Waiting is the biggest mistake
There's no point in waiting for a burst of energy before going for a run or going to the gym. Before you start working on a difficult project or going on a diet, it is also pointless to expect external motivation. Gordon-Smith calls these expectations of a convenient moment and a surge of inspiration the most important mistake, which can not only spoil life, but also negate all the work on oneself.
You can wait endlessly, sometimes all your life, but never decide to take a bold step, watching others become what you wanted, but you couldn’t become. And it’s all due to fear and indecision.
How to overcome the fear of flying, heights, confined spaces
Many people are afraid to fly on an airplane, climb tall buildings, or stay in a closed elevator. How to gain courage in such situations? All these fears, for the most part, are rooted in distant childhood, and the episodes that gave rise to fear are not always possible to remember. There is one effective way to develop the confidence and courage to overcome fear.
Give yourself a few moments of peace and relaxation. Imagine:
- Why swim if you're afraid of water?
- that you climb a mountain if you are afraid of heights,
- that you enter the elevator if you are afraid of confined spaces.
Create this picture in every detail, the movement of your body in the water, your legs climbing the scree along the mountain slope, your hand pressing the elevator button. Such ideas will give an incentive to repeat all this in reality, to realize the imaginary image of a courageous act.
Perform a similar action in a less intimidating environment.
For example, if you have little experience with public speaking and you have a big speech coming up in front of an audience, practice in a less formal setting. Talk to a random passerby and ask him for directions. Do the same several times. Try reading an excerpt from your favorite work in front of your family. Noticing their interest, you will very soon want to add expressiveness and emotionality. You need to get used to the fact that people listen to you, interact with you. After this, you will appear on stage as a person who knows how to command the attention of the audience.
Developing a sense of confidence
Confidence is a quality that is lacking in those who do not know how to become courageous. Possessing it, you can not only be brave, believe in yourself, but also be convinced of your own limitless capabilities. A few tips will help you develop this quality:
- You will become what you imagine yourself to be in your own thoughts
. If timid thoughts will certainly make their owner timid, then confident thoughts will make him more confident, strong thoughts will allow him to become more decisive, and purposeful thoughts will make him more purposeful. - Believe in yourself
, believe in yourself, you can do anything you want, including showing courage exactly when you need it. - Love yourself
for who you are at the moment, and don't try to become different. There is a paradoxical effect here: as soon as you follow this advice, you will have a lot of opportunities to change and develop the desired character traits, including confidence. - Overcome self
-doubt and fear with constant, albeit small, efforts. Just as A.P. Chekhov “squeezed the slave out of himself drop by drop,” squeeze cowardice out of yourself by practicing overcoming it every day. Gradually you will notice that being brave is not so difficult. - Always remember
that “appearing” does not mean “being”; most dangers exist only in thoughts produced by the consciousness without any reason.
Courage training
Film "Invincible"
A man can be stronger than fear.
Film "9th Company"
Nobody cares about your fear: there is only a task. You can be afraid as much as you like, the main thing is that the task is completed. Die but do!
Movie "Jarheads"
Men are taught to walk through fear without paying attention to it.
Brave is the one who knows how to be stronger than fear. Train your courage and bravery!
Training courage is like training muscles in the gym. First you take a small weight, as much as you can lift. When you take this weight easily, move on to a heavier weight and try to lift it. Likewise with fear. First you train yourself against a small fear, then move on to a stronger one.
If you are afraid to speak in front of an audience, speak more often where it is scary, but not very scary, where you will be supported - for example, at a training session in a training group. Take Self Confidence training. Do you want to deal with this fear yourself? Great: gather your friends and perform in front of them until it becomes easy for you. Next, gather 30 people and speak to them. If at this stage you have problems, you are afraid, you forget what you have to say, you get lost, practice with such an audience until you get used to it and begin to feel comfortable. Next, move on to an audience of 50 people and so on up to at least 1000.
If you are not a very sociable young man and are afraid to meet girls, start with grandmothers: you will be able to start a conversation with them. Next, see How to meet people on the street. Understand the main principle: learn to overcome small fears, then take on big ones.
To train courage and overcome fear in the future, the following exercises will help you:
- Unusual actions
- Falling on the back of a chair
- Fall from a pole
Raising courage in children
We all want our children to be successful, self-confident, strong-willed, able to overcome obstacles and win! How to educate this? I will tell you how these qualities were brought up in noble families: here is an episode from the memoirs of Princess E. Meshcherskaya.
My older brother, Vyacheslav, considered it his responsibility to raise my sister Katya. Knowing that his sister was afraid of thunderstorms, he dragged her by force onto the sill of the open window and exposed her to the downpour. Out of fear, Katya lost consciousness, and when she came to her senses, her brother was wiping her wet face with his handkerchief and saying: “Well, answer: will you still be a coward and be afraid of a thunderstorm?” Then, carrying the girl in his arms down the stairs, he said: “And you, if you want me to love you and consider you my sister, be brave. Remember: there is no vice more shameful than cowardice.”
The riskiness of such educational procedures was largely explained by a sincere belief in their beneficence, and this belief made a corresponding impression on the children: they perceived such experiments on themselves not as the arbitrariness and cruelty of their elders, but as necessary character strengthening. Thus, Ekaterina Meshcherskaya, already an old woman, recalls this incident from her childhood without resentment or indignation; on the contrary, she concludes with satisfaction: “And I was never afraid of a thunderstorm again.”
How parents today cultivate courage in their children, see
Limits of applicability
- Courage is not always justified. Courage, like any other manifestation of personality, can be appropriate and inappropriate. Cm.
- Not every fear needs to be removed. It is important to keep in mind that not every fear does not always need to be removed: if a feeling of fear stops you from facing real danger, then perhaps you should not remove the fear, but stop risking your life in vain and do something more productive.
- You don't always need to pay attention to fear. War is often scary, but adults are accustomed to this, just as they are accustomed to the fact that life can be hard, sometimes cold, sometimes painful. If there are more important tasks, they remove this from their field of attention and engage in the main activity, rather than working with fear. At the same time, during the training of cadets, work with fear occurs: for example, crawling under barbed wire while a machine gun with live ammunition is firing above you. Cadets must be prepared for really scary situations.
The method of training courage in practical psychology is called implosive therapy. This is a method of treating phobias (fears), when the client is immersed in a situation of maximum tolerable fear for quite a long time - until he gets tired of being afraid and understands that being afraid is stupid and useless.
