Many modern men are characterized by strong indecisiveness, both in relationships and in other areas of life. Moreover, a man can be very kind, gentle and attentive, but constant indecision even in small matters begins to drive him crazy over time. Especially if the woman herself is distinguished by opposite character traits and takes any indecision and passivity for weakness. If it makes sense to continue a relationship with an indecisive man, where does this indecisiveness come from and how can you help a man become more confident and active?
Types of self-esteem
There are the following three types of self-esteem:
- Overpriced. With this type, a person overestimates himself and his capabilities. It seems to him that the world revolves around him, all people owe him something and life is preparing all the best. When faced with reality, a person will experience constant disappointments and resentments, because he deserves all the best and even more, and life measures him the same amount as others. In relationships with other people, such a man will behave selfishly, which, in the end, can even lead to loneliness.
- Understated. It is human nature to not believe in one’s own strengths, to belittle one’s capabilities and to constantly be afraid that one will not succeed. This attitude towards oneself is reflected in all areas of life. A man will be afraid to meet beautiful, smart women, for fear of being rejected, will not look for career opportunities, tormented by the fear that he will not be able to cope with more complex work, etc.
- Adequate. With this approach to oneself, a person knows well his strengths and weaknesses, his desires. Men with this type of self-esteem are not afraid to make decisions because they take responsibility for their consequences. And even if a person fails, he will not blame himself, but will draw conclusions from the current situation and look for other ways to achieve his goals. This trait in men is especially attractive to women, because it speaks of confidence and reliability.
How does a woman with low self-esteem build relationships?
Is there a connection between a woman's self-esteem and how her relationships develop? Let's see what models and scenarios of relationships are most evident here. What does this mean for a woman and relationships in general?
In this article, I propose to consider the strategies of those who are married or have a couple. And in the next one, we’ll look at how unmarried girls and women with low self-esteem build relationships.
I want to become the wife of a successful man!
A woman with low self-esteem often feels a little “less than...”. Not beautiful enough, not rich enough, not happy enough, not lucky enough in marriage, etc.
All these "under..." are difficult to bear; they are sources of constant discontent. And when it’s difficult to do something about it herself, a woman often tries to raise her self-esteem at the expense of a man.
For a man to reach me to a level where I cannot reach on my own.
For example, if my man is more successful and earns more, then I will automatically, due to this, raise my status, social level, and become a more valuable and successful woman.
But the trouble is that I myself feel insecure, I’m ashamed of my position, I don’t feel valuable or worthy.
I just transfer this to the man and demand from him that he achieve what I need.
And here begins kicking husbands and demanding changes from them: you are not like that, you are not enough, give more and better!
A good question to ask yourself here is:
What happens if the husband/man never changes? How will I feel? What will I be like then?
If you answer honestly, you can often see a feeling of one’s own worthlessness, anger, displeasure, and powerlessness. That I will remain at the same level, a little “under…” and this leads to despair.
But in fact, it is a woman’s task to deal with her self-esteem. It is her responsibility for her condition, not the man.
Without accepting herself, a woman does not accept her partner. Demanding changes and success, she can often force him to go in the wrong direction, to do not what he wants, but what she needs. This gives rise to conflicts in relationships and quarrels.
And if a man’s true, deep needs do not have this success, or he sees it completely differently, then the woman becomes disappointed in him.
For example, for him, success is in a dacha outside the city, and for her, a villa by the sea. And if you don’t cope with this disappointment and learn to accept yourself and others, then it can destroy the relationship.
What if I'm not good enough?
Severe anxiety is a constant companion for women who doubt their worth.
Am I okay? Am I good enough? These experiences spill over into relationships and serve as a source of constant tension.
Every movement of the husband, especially spontaneous ones, leads to anxiety.
A woman cannot relax and is forced to control her partner and herself.
So where did he go? What if there are other women there, what if they are more beautiful, better than me? Danger! Danger!
You need to keep a tight rein on yourself, control it, what if he goes to someone else and leaves me? What if I give birth and stop being attractive to him? What if he stops liking me as a woman? What if he doesn't choose me?
What else should I do to make him like it?
In these doubts and anxiety, a woman often exhausts herself, becomes tired and exhausted. Constant control
Your value should not depend on whether a man chooses you or not , because sometimes the smartest, the most beautiful, the most successful and the richest are rejected.
Untie your value from endless conditions!
Show me that I'm worth something
Some women expect in relationships that men will make up for their lack of love, show that she is good and valuable, pamper her, shower her with their attention and gifts.
And the more material values there are, the supposedly greater the internal value.
The same goes for the opposite.
And if suddenly a man does not give gifts, then this drives the woman into hysterics. Or it makes you dig into yourself and look for shortcomings and shortcomings. Doubt your goodness.
But in fact, a confident woman will never associate her worth with the amount of attention and gifts. No matter how one treats it, it is valuable in itself without any attributes. Its value is not measured by material things. These are separate things, she knows how to separate them and lives calmly.
Be good and be patient
This is what women do who are afraid of being rejected.
They try to please no matter what, they please with borscht and pies, complaisance, they are afraid to say a word across, to show their anger, their real emotions. Your real self!
They are forced to adapt, to mimic the image that a man wants to see.
In most cases, they are forced to do what the man approves of, and push aside what they like if he is against something.
So they watch films only of his choice, buy only what the husband says, go on vacation to those countries that he chooses, even work in those jobs that are approved by him.
For example, one of my friends, in order to climb the career ladder at the bank where she worked, had to undergo training in Moscow for two weeks, but her husband did not let her go. She had long wanted and waited for this position, but her husband gave her an ultimatum: either me or the trip. In the end she refused. Which she later greatly regretted, because it was her long-standing desire.
They try their best to be good wives, otherwise if I am myself, with my real feelings and behavior, I will be rejected.
But in reality there is a slow and steady loss of self. Which is fraught with depression, apathy, loss of meaning in life, loss of support, misunderstanding who I am, a serious internal crisis.
And if you continue to remain silent, then the man completely crosses the line and stops paying attention to your opinion, well-being, and desires. After all, everything will endure as it is.
This is also fraught with the destruction of relationships, even if they were not initially destructive. After all, dissatisfaction and suppressed anger accumulate, and this “gun” can accidentally fire. And lead to quarrels, scandals and breakups.
This is how my friend’s story turned out. In the end, when she could no longer hold back, she made a scandal and kicked him out. But in their case, the relationship was initially destructive and this outcome was expected.
Then she grieved and tried to bring him back, but the man’s “pride” turned out to be stronger. Now they have been divorced for 2 years, which she is happy about. Only living separately, she began to understand how much she was destroyed, and lost herself.
Fortunately, she was able to bear the positives. I took care of myself, healed my injuries, worked through my fears, regained myself, restored my self-esteem, and now I have met a man with whom I can be myself!
I will give everything to be appreciated!
When I don’t know how to value myself, I try to earn my value. I give without reserve my attention, time, energy. I sacrifice my interests, I try to please others, to be useful.
But in return I expect that my sacrifice will be rewarded, that I will be repaid.
So we see a huge number of mothers who deprived themselves and gave everything to their children; wives who devote themselves only to their husbands, and at the same time unconsciously expect a reward, accumulate anger if no one is going to pay.
In this case, neither husbands nor children often understand that they owe something. They don’t understand that you can have your own needs and desires, and you also need to be taken into account, because you have always denied yourself, which means you don’t need to. And this gives rise to a bunch of grievances and complaints. And also a feeling of devastation, because... all my resource is finished, and the other one does not fill me. But you can give to others only when you yourself have something to share. You can take care of others when you know how to take care of yourself.
I won't leave him!
Often women do not leave destructive relationships because they are afraid that no one will need them anymore, that they will not find someone better.
And they continue to suffer and be destroyed. To be exhausted to the core, to lose oneself.
This can result in several years, or even decades, of destructive relationships.
And in such relationships, a woman often becomes comfortable, it is easy to manipulate her, impose a feeling of guilt that she is the bad one, and this makes the woman try, go out of her way to correct her “mistakes” and change her partner.
Please, if you are in a destructive relationship, do not raise this issue with yourself, be sure to resolve it!
Remember that your efforts to be a good wife will not change your partner if he does not want it.
Seek help, deal with your fears, and get out of destructive relationships! Take care of yourself!
Remember, low self-esteem has a price, and you pay it even if you don't realize it!
To be continued…
For those who want to begin to feel their worth, accept themselves, restore their self-esteem, change their relationships with themselves and others - welcome to the “Self-Love” course
© Yulia Bozhenova
www.38i.ru
about the author
I am a practicing psychologist, archetypal therapist, dance-movement therapist, presenter of trainings for women, author of the “True to Self” project.
For five years now I have been helping women return to themselves, get to know their true selves, revive once-rejected feelings inside and - blossom! And I really like it!
What is characteristic of a man who lacks self-confidence?
Here are some signs that indicate a man has low self-esteem:
- constantly comparing yourself to others;
- constant criticism of others;
- pessimism, the presence in speech of words and phrases with a negative connotation (hardly, never, not enough, excluded; maybe, maybe not; words with a particle not);
- bad mood, depression, depression;
- fear of risk, search for excuses for inaction;
- guilt;
- the desire for perfectionism (to do everything perfectly).
If a guy or man is characterized by at least several of the signs listed above, then with a high probability it can be stated that he has low self-esteem.
How to recognize an indecisive man
A young man may not give the impression of being a passive loser in life, but with close communication, all the negative qualities of a person bloom wildly. Recognizing an indecisive person is as easy as shelling pears:
He constantly complains about others, downplaying his role in situations. Everyone but himself is to blame for all his failures. He instantly finds someone to blame, but does nothing himself to change the situation for the better.
He is lost in a situation of choice and cannot make a decision. Moreover, this manifests itself even in small things: what movie to watch, where to go or go on a weekend. A man puts solutions to problems and choices on the shoulders of others.
He becomes depressed and nervous before any important event. Changing a job, place of residence, coming to an agreement with someone on an important issue - all this pulls the rug out from under the feet of an indecisive man.
How to gain self-confidence
To raise male self-esteem, you must first admit that it is low. There is no need to be ashamed of this, because it is no one’s fault that insecurity was brought up in you. It is useless to be offended by parents, because, most likely, they simply did not know other methods of education, since they, in turn, were once treated the same way.
Understanding that you have a problem and needs to be solved will become an incentive to work on yourself. A man's low self-esteem will rise faster if there is a woman nearby with whom he can share his problem. For husbands who are not confident in themselves, asking for help is already a big step in gaining inner freedom. A woman by nature is very responsive and will definitely want to help her husband, encouraging him and supporting him in difficult times. Only a man needs to be told how important her help is, how important this work is for him, how exactly a wife or girlfriend can support her husband or boyfriend.
So, how to work with self-esteem? The following tips will help you in this difficult matter:
- Stop berating yourself for your mistakes and failures. There is not a single man who always does everything perfectly. To err is human, and that's completely normal. On the basis of mistakes and failures, precious life experience is formed, which in the future helps to make the right decisions.
- Develop your mind and body. Physical and intellectual stress has the most beneficial effect on mental health. The male body will get stronger from training, acquire relief, becoming more attractive. Women will certainly pay attention to such a man. The discipline that needs to be exercised during training will extend to other areas of life, which will have a very beneficial effect on self-esteem. Investment in the development of intelligence is the most reliable investment. An intelligent person is always in demand in society.
He avoids direct eye contact
Body language can sometimes speak much louder than words. Insecure men are rarely able to look their interlocutor in the eyes, especially if he has romantic plans for this very interlocutor. This is because the eyes of any person are very expressive, and they often allow you to look deep into his soul. It's clear that when a man is insecure, he doesn't want you to see it. So if, during intimacy or leisure time together, a man avoids looking into your eyes, this is a very alarming bell.
He doesn't respect your personal space
If you repeatedly catch him reading text messages on your phone, looking at the history in your browser, or wondering what and who is writing to you on social networks, then most likely he is extremely unsure of himself. , and in your ability to save your relationship. He is trying to “catch” you in advance in obvious or imaginary infidelity and an attempt to leave him, so that he will not feel so bad when (as he is consciously or subconsciously sure) this happens. Try to explain to him that this behavior is unpleasant to you, that you, like all people, need your personal space, and he should respect it.
How to raise a future man?
Mom loves the child just like that, dad loves him for something. The role of the father in shaping the character of a future man can hardly be overestimated. The image of a strong man with the right to have the last word must be imprinted in the boy’s mind. If a man does not enjoy authority in the family, it is difficult to expect that, as he grows up, the boy will adhere to a different behavior strategy.
In the absence of the father, his role can be replaced by any male authority figure. Grandfather, uncle, teacher or karate section coach... someone is needed from whom the boy can follow an example.
