Assertiveness is a person’s internal perception of the world, which is based on the principle of an independent attitude to external attention and assessments, as well as his ability to independently choose his own model of behavior, the responsibility for the implementation of which lies entirely with him.
The basic principle of assertive human behavior is the ability to defend one’s right to individuality with dignity and confidence, without restricting the freedom of choice of others.
What is assertive behavior
This is when a person does not depend on external factors or assessments from other people. How could I explain it even easier? A person has very good self-esteem, and it is either impossible to offend, be rude and throw him out of emotional balance, or it is very difficult to achieve this.
At the same time, the person behaves very politely and shows no signs of disrespect even to the one who is trying to offend or offend him.
✅Guide to changing yourself .pdf
The correct answer to an indiscreet question
Sometimes you meet people who are so ill-mannered that they have the audacity to ask inappropriate and tactless questions. And here the opponent’s aggression is quite obvious. However, there are constructive methods of dealing with “boors” - assertiveness.
There are several ways you can go here. Another option is to answer the question with a question. You can simply ignore it if the situation allows. Particularly tactless people should be calmly explained that this does not concern them, so there will be no conversation about this problem. If there is a desire to continue the dialogue, then you need to move on to another topic as soon as possible.
Signs of an assertive person
An adult . From such a person one can say that he is an adult, he looks at the world as it is, without exaggeration. Complies with any rules. From traffic rules to shopping center regulations. Accepts the rules of the game as they are, without trying to change them.
Politeness . The most important weapon. Combined with self-confidence and persistence, it works wonders. You can achieve anything if you use politeness, confidence and persistence wisely. Any doors will be open for you.
Directness . An assertive person always speaks directly. But he does it politely, without trying to insult or offend. People love directness, so they trust such a person.
Read more: What is meditation and how to meditate correctly
Reliability . Since the person is an adult, you can most likely rely on him, since he follows the internal rules. At least I haven't met assertive people who don't keep their word. Here, if you want, correct me in the comments.
Doesn't interrupt during a conversation . Actively listens and most importantly hears. It’s easy to tell such a person “secrets” because he’s simply ready to listen and help with some advice. People trust them.
Accepts people as they are. There are about 7 billion people on earth and they are all different, with different characters. What to do if people are not perfect? Just accept them as they are.
Accepts his more negative sides. All people are not ideal, even if you consider yourself ideal, it is not a fact that you are ideal for someone else. An assertive person accepts himself as he is, with all his flaws.
Might ask a stupid question . For some, the question is stupid, for others it’s just to clarify or get an answer to a question that interests you.
Win-Win . Acts according to the strategy that both partners should win.
100% responsibility . Everything that happens in life depends entirely on him.
✅Guide to changing yourself .pdf
Respect for others. Respect for others, regardless of nationality, social status, etc.
Doesn't hesitate to look stupid. Why be ashamed? We are all humans.
The ability to say NO . One of the main signs of assertiveness. The easier it is for you to say no, the easier it is to improve your assertiveness.
Declaration of love . I remember I was about 17 years old, I liked one girl and I was so afraid to confess my feelings to her. I remember we were going out in the evening, and I still wanted to squeeze out a phrase. But it doesn’t work, then he said it through force. But things didn’t go any further to be honest. Now, if I like someone, I say so directly. And that's cool.
Extremes of communication
Sometimes in communication people rush to extremes, choosing the role of aggressor or victim. Often this is done unconsciously. Such extremes contribute to parasitic interactions that cannot be called effective.
The victim position is a weak side that does not want to make decisions and shifts responsibility to the interlocutor. At this extreme, a person considers himself to be weak, believing that everyone should help them. In addition, the victim constantly complains and blames the failures of any people around him, but not himself.
Books about assertiveness also describe the other extreme - the aggressor, who is the exact opposite of the victim. This position is characterized by open or covert manipulation of other people. The aggressor adheres to the principle: “Everyone must do what I say, because I am always right.” Such people feel strong and therefore confidently suppress their interlocutors during a conversation.
What is noteworthy is that if in a dialogue one person takes the position of an aggressor or a victim, then the second interlocutor involuntarily begins to play the opposite role. Naturally, a constructive exchange of thoughts will not work. Communication, built on assertiveness, is designed to eliminate such situations.
Where assertive behavior helps well
In fact, assertive behavior helps everywhere. This should be a basic skill for anyone. But you can come to this after seriously upgrading your psyche. But someone was lucky and was raised this way from childhood.
In business . Helps well in business negotiations. An assertive person is not afraid to ask questions, is not afraid to clarify information and can easily reach an agreement with a partner.
Read more: How to stop worrying about trifles
In a pickup truck . Yes, this is a very useful skill if you often allow yourself to meet girls on the street. I even tested it on myself in my youth: you approach a girl to meet her, she ignores you or tries to insult you, you continue to communicate politely. She begins to not understand, it’s like I’m telling him off, but he’s not letting me go. How confident. Very interesting, I’ll try to get to know him better.
In life . Yes, this helps as much as possible in life. Some people cannot say no and refuse, this is how they were raised, but assertive behavior eliminates this shortcoming in the bud.
Definition of the concept
Assertiveness is the correct style of behavior that takes into account both one’s own desires and the needs of another person.
Assertiveness is a person’s ability to honestly and decisively express his position in relation to other people, to talk about his thoughts, feelings and desires, while respecting the position, feelings, thoughts and rights of the interlocutor.
To better understand this style of behavior, it is necessary to compare it with non-assertive and aggressive.
A non-assertive style is manifested in the following things:
- a person does not make friends when he believes that it requires great effort;
- allows others to make decisions for themselves;
- ranks last in a group of people;
- lowers his voice in conversation;
- avoids people's gaze so as not to draw attention to himself;
- takes a neutral side, or agrees with others, despite his true feelings;
- stays away from decision making, avoids problems;
- causes inconvenience to himself in order not to harm other people;
- always believes that he is weaker, less capable than other members of society;
- trying to avoid responsibility, he apologizes.
The aggressive response style is the exact opposite of the non-assertive type and is manifested by the following:
- a person interrupts another when he is speaking;
- tries to impose his point of view;
- uses friendships for his own purposes;
- makes decisions for others;
- blames another person for his own mistakes, without taking into account his feelings;
- in a conversation he distorts facts, deviates from the essence, does everything to achieve approval of his decisions;
- raises his voice, attracts attention;
- creates inconveniences for others in order to get rid of them himself;
- considers himself the strongest and most capable.
A person, using aggressive behavior, tries to achieve goals in life at the expense of other people. His actions harm other people.
The assertive style is something on the border between aggressive and non-assertive. It allows you to enhance the significance of the individual and indicates strength of character. Characteristic signs of assertiveness include:
- the person allows the interlocutor to finish his thought, only then begins to speak;
- bases his decisions on facts that he considers correct;
- easily joins in a conversation without lowering or raising his voice;
- does not use friends, exchanges ideas, learns more about himself and others;
- always thinks about the feelings of others;
- avoids trouble by preventing problems before they develop;
- treats himself as a strong and capable person, however, does not consider himself better than others;
- honestly considers problems that have arisen and looks for ways to solve them;
- when accepting responsibility, takes into account their needs, provisions and rights;
- an assertive person feels free, she communicates openly with other people;
- takes into account his needs and desires when participating in the development of certain events;
- such a person realizes that he cannot always win; failure is possible;
- he accepts the limitation, while always maintaining self-esteem.
In acute situations, assertive individuals can become aggressive. A person at different times can be assertive, aggressive and non-assertive.
Assertiveness is the most effective way of communication; it often helps to cope with difficulties that can provoke the development of neurosis or stress.
Why is it important to improve assertiveness?
If you want to be confident in yourself, achieve your goals and not depend on other people, then it is best to start pumping up and the faster, the better for you. But this model of behavior is not suitable for everyone, since some people are accustomed to being victims, or tyrants. And they are very comfortable in such behavior patterns, there is nothing to be done about it. An assertive person is not used to suffering; he would rather find a problem and solve it than constantly whine and demand self-pity.
A person with assertive qualities does not understand why, if everything is bad for a person, he simply does not solve the problem. Why does a wife endure beatings from her husband? Why does a person become an alcoholic and not solve the problem? The answer is simple, an assertive person takes 100% responsibility for everything that happens in his life. For absolutely everything. But only for myself.
Equanimity itself
This technique is most effective in situations when the interlocutor begins to get irritated and aggressive notes are heard in his voice. Its meaning is not attack, but defense, calmly defending a position.
Psychologists recommend gradually reducing the speed and volume of speech, that is, you need to speak even more slowly and quietly. Then the conflicter will “go to the same wavelength.” This means that there will be no quarrel, and there will be a chance to solve the problem that has arisen. While raising your voice will only inflame passions. After all, aggression begets aggression.
Does your life also depend on the opinions of strangers?
I'm looking for 5 people who suffer from the opinions of loved ones or strangers who want to learn to live their own lives
You consider yourself worse than others
You can't say no to other people because you feel guilty.
You don’t know how to solve the problem and already consider yourself doomed to eternal suffering
If you recognize yourself, sign up for a free 15-minute consultation
