Why are people annoying?
Sometimes we ourselves do not understand the nature of irritation. As a result, we find ourselves in a vicious circle of aggression, anger and guilt, in which we spin like a crazy squirrel.
Today I will share with you a simple but very effective exercise that gives you an understanding of why some people are annoying and helps you get rid of internal blocks. I successfully use this technique both in personal practice with clients and in the process of teaching a bunch of trainers and consultants.
But before we start doing the exercises, let's remember the theory of how projective identification works.
Projective Identification Theory
The essence of projection is this: in other people we are usually offended and irritated by those qualities or personality traits that are present in ourselves. In addition, it is incredibly difficult for us to admit this fact.
2 projection mechanisms
Option 1. Person A is annoyed by something about Person B
Manifestation scheme: Person A himself exhibits the same negative quality (property, character trait) as that of person B, but perhaps not in obvious situations.
Person A is very annoyed by greedy and petty people, while he himself is greedy for food and constantly complains about children who eat expensive Belgian chocolate and everything that is not nailed down. Therefore, person A often buys sweets and hides them in his briefcase so as not to share his favorite delicacy with his loved ones.
Case Study
The man is annoyed by people who are addicted to alcohol. He does not realize that he himself is an addict. His addiction manifests itself in another aspect - workaholism. A man is focused mainly on building a career and is dependent on work, while other areas of his life are in decline.
Option #2: Person A is annoyed by something about Person B
Manifestation scheme: Person A suppresses the manifestation of an annoying quality in Person B out of fear of being like that.
In other words, person A does not accept certain qualities in himself, drives them inside, believes that it is impossible and unacceptable for him to show personality traits that affect him in others.
Case Study
A clean woman is annoyed by her sloppy friend. The woman tries with all her might to ensure that sloppiness and uncleanliness in no way manifest themselves in her real life, since in fact she is afraid of condemnation from her husband and mother for being a bad housewife.
The Small Bang Theory: What to do if someone annoys you
If a person is driving you nuts, it might be worth considering why you. We thought about it, but here the traditional question arises: what to do? Figure out. But not with man and not in man. And with yourself and in yourself - recommends Olesya Zmazneva, associate professor at the Center for Infocognitive Technologies at the Moscow Polytechnic University.
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Where does irritation come from?
First, try to understand why this is happening. Ask yourself a few questions. Is it just annoying you or others too? For one person to start annoying everyone, he will have to work hard and work on himself.
Let’s take a case that still occurs more often. Annoys you. You know, you. This means it's about you, not this person. Something in you responds with such a reaction. We need to understand why this happens. I will not go into details, talk about projections and mirror neurons, so as not to get into the jungle of psychology and behavioral disciplines.
Dialogue:
- Well, does he continue to piss you off?
- No, I have another one now.
So, what exactly is the annoying behavior? What exactly is it about behavior?
For example, in one of my groups there is a hyperactive guy, a choleric person. At the first lesson, his classmate, a phlegmatic person, almost got into a fight with him. It was obvious: they are so different that collisions cannot be avoided. But if there are two, then there will be differences in them. Differences are always interesting.
Why do we get irritated by certain behaviors of other people? Because they are different from ours, from what we are accustomed to consider the norm for ourselves. Often we would like, but cannot, violate the standards of behavior established by us (or our parents for us). And this “I would like that too” can become a cause of irritation, especially if someone calmly demonstrates this, not caring about the opinions of others.
Sometimes it’s annoying to have the level of freedom that someone else can afford, but you can’t.
That is, often the person himself does nothing to provoke such a reaction in you (we’re not talking about evil trolls now, but if all the topics are over, then I can say a few words about them), but something in you responds to this in this way person.
It can be annoying in a person that he has some qualities that you would like to have, but for a number of reasons you cannot. Simply put, then such a common and very unpleasant thing as envy speaks to us. It is annoying that he can behave this way and those around him perceive it calmly in his performance.
Perhaps you also want to be as bright and noisy, but this is not organic to your nature. You would like to be like this, but you understand that you won’t be able to.
There can be many internal reasons for irritation: from a banal toothache to chronic fatigue.
How a communicative warm-up game will help
Usually at the beginning of the semester, when students are just getting to know each other and are still getting to know each other, I offer them a small game. The goal is to “change attitudes.” I ask the guys to think of any person who annoys them and discuss it in pairs. The first one remembers an acquaintance and tells his interlocutor about him. The partner’s task is to retell the story he heard, but at the same time replace all the “cons” in it with “pros”. For example, if the first one talks about his friend, “a caustic, arrogant, stubborn, ill-mannered person,” then the second one calls the same person “witty, self-confident, purposeful, with his own point of view on everything.”
But we are talking about the same person. This game has more than once helped us think about how we see other people.
Another example from invented dialogues:
Negative attitude
: “Once upon a time there was a lazy, tactless, narcissistic, selfish, insensitive freak...”
Positive attitude:
“Once upon a time there lived a man who used his strength optimally, was open and sincere, self-confident, self-sufficient, and impartial.”
Irritation is everywhere
By the way, I often hear someone on the street or in a crowd saying “freak” to someone in their hearts. We encounter similar rudeness caused by irritation every day. This is what the driver of a car calls another driver who cuts him off on the highway. Participants in numerous talk shows that can be seen on TV during prime time often spit in each other's faces with irritation. One gets the feeling that rudeness and irritation are becoming norms of behavior and are even being imposed.
Now let’s think about who owns the assessment? Whose condition is she describing? Do you see what I'm getting at? Irritation is not caused from the outside, it already lives in you, has acquired its own vocabulary and forces you to use it. Words only help to release it.
Change your attitude
Yes, but what happened to the choleric and phlegmatic, you ask? Nothing. We realized that they were different and got used to each other. Choleric is such a bundle of energy of the group. Working with their group is more difficult. If an adult guy is fidgeting, commenting on his emotions every minute, asking questions (and he has dozens of them for every response I make), then, of course, it’s more difficult to study. But then he got sick and didn’t come to one of the classes - and you know, not only me, but the whole group missed him.
Dialogue:
Peak hour. The train arrives at the Ploshchad Revolyutsii station. A girl in a subway car, working hard with her elbows, pushes her way to the exit. Passengers are outraged and swearing begins.
Two guys:
-Come in, come in, girl. You will be the first in Moscow.
And as for the “freak”, everything is very relative. In Russian this is a word with a negative meaning. But in Polish, for example, “ugly” (uroda) means “beauty”. You can look at everything from different sides if you want.
Olesya Zmazneva - Candidate of Philological Sciences, author of educational programs, interactive trainings and courses on the development of communication skills
What to do if people are annoying
Let's move on to practice. You will need a pen and 2 sheets of paper
Exercise No. 1. Understand the reasons for irritation with people and work through internal blocks and fears
Exercise objectives:
- Stop the internal struggle with yourself
- Remove clamps, blocks and tension
- Learn to work with irritation
- Accept yourself with all your qualities
Step # 1. Remember 10-15 people who are unpleasant to you (clients, relatives, partners, colleagues, acquaintances). Make a list and write down in a column the names of everyone who annoys you for various reasons.
Step # 2. Opposite each name, write the quality (personality trait, character trait, or action) that most offends you, irritates you in this person.
For an example, see the diagram.
Masha Petrova - greed Sasha - anger
Step #3: Look at the list and notes of other people's irritating qualities.
Analyze which quality you indicated the most times.
Answer the question: What property do many people have?
The key to the solution: the qualities that you wrote down are either in you, or you are trying with all your might to suppress them and not show them.
Step #4. It is important to realize that fighting with yourself and denying any qualities in yourself creates tension. Internal tension interferes with personal development, reduces the level of quality of life and creates blocks.
The task: to remove the clamps and release energy and potential for the realization of important and significant goals.
Step #5: Recognize and accept the annoying quality in yourself.
In the process of doing the exercise, you found out what quality most often irritates you in people. Now we need to work with him.
Stand in front of the mirror and say:
“The greed in me irritates me!
I am greedy, and I accept myself as such!
Yes, that’s who I am and I love myself for it!”
Do step #5 with each quality on the list that bothers you.
Repeat the phrase of acceptance until you feel the tension go away.
Why does a man annoy you?
According to experts, even in healthy relationships, spouses make each other nervous from time to time. This behavior indicates a certain level of openness, but, unfortunately, it is not very comfortable.
Here are just some of the complaints about their husbands that wives often make in a psychologist’s office:
- slurps at the table;
- throws his socks everywhere;
- forgets to inform about where he is;
- forgets to take out the trash can;
- throws his legs over me when he sleeps;
- snores loudly (oh yes!);
- listens inattentively, and then asks again a hundred times;
- leaves in the middle of a conversation;
- too noisy in everything;
- watches TV or plays on the computer when I want to talk to him.
This list can be continued indefinitely. Yes, you continue to love your husband, but how he sometimes infuriates you! What to do?
It is normal to love and be angry with your partner at the same time, because there are emotions and there are feelings. Aggression towards a loved one is a kind of marker showing that your personal boundaries have been violated at the moment,
Irritation and anger are usually situational, but love lasts over time.
In this case, a completely logical question arises: what to do if your beloved man is very annoying? Should we come to terms with his shortcomings or start “re-educating” him? Or maybe even file for divorce?
According to relationship experts, none of these three options is correct.
What to do?
First of all, you need to understand the reason for your irritation. According to psychologists, a woman’s relationship with her beloved man completely copies the relationship with her own mother in the first 3 years of life:
- if you lacked something in childhood (for example, attention), then there will be a lack in the family;
- if the mother was overprotective, then the man will most likely be the same;
- if you are particularly affected by some situation, it means that you had a similar childhood psychotrauma.
Look at your relationship with your partner from this perspective!
Feelings that are overwhelming (anger, pain, powerlessness or despair) indicate your “sore spot”.
Analyze your own behavior. Only by realizing what is hidden behind your aggression towards the man you love can you correct the situation.
