You, of course, remember the parable question about a glass in which water is filled halfway. Today on our women's website “Beautiful and Successful” we are discussing how to make this glass always seem half full? That is, in other words, how to stop complaining about life and why do some people become eternally dissatisfied with everything, pessimistic “whiners” ? Shall we figure it out?
Whiners don't want to change
I think I especially have no patience for people who are always whining and moaning.
They just drive me crazy. I understand with understanding any pessimistic view of things, any half-empty glass, as long as they don’t try to pour it on my head with enviable consistency. I'll explain what exactly irritates me so much. The fact is that while a person moans and complains, he will not do anything. We can all whine a little from time to time, but then we pull ourselves together and solve the problem. The people I'm talking about whine like a broken record and never take action. The situation only gets worse because they don't do anything about it.
Almost any complex problem can be solved partially or completely - but only if you take at least some action. But real whiners limit themselves to complaints.
Obviously, people who are always complaining about something can be useful by drawing attention to problems - like pessimists (of which they are a subtype), they sometimes serve as the voice of reason in a team, family or other group of people and can be the first to warn you about problem that needs a solution.
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However, whiners do not want to solve it themselves. They want you to do everything for them, almost like children. But if we are really talking about a child, your task as parents is to teach him to find a way out on his own. This needs to be done before he grows up and begins to torment other people with his whining.
Looking back at all my professional and friendship relationships, I can't think of a single whiner who actually wanted to change. Such people do not like change, and this is often the main reason for their whining. They resist change, and therefore do not want to move to the decision stage, since this would require them to take some kind of new approach and look at the situation.
Therefore, when dealing with a whiner, you should try to convince him that change is not so bad, help him see that it can make life better and easier - and give him time to realize this.
The larger the changes proposed, the longer it will take. If you tell your kids you're moving, don't expect them to digest the news in a few hours.
Then get the person to focus on the solution. No matter how much he expresses his dissatisfaction, ask him: “What are you going to do about it?” Or persuade him to imagine the consequences of the changes and find the good in them: “Your new bedroom will be larger than this, and together we will decide what colors to decorate it in.” Try to interest him.
Photo: Depositphotos.
Whiners often feel violated. In companies, they are often the ones who consider the work team to be their second family and are always ready to fiercely protect it. But if any changes come from above (as they think), they feel helpless. So allow them to be actively involved in the process—whether it's restructuring a department or simply moving the filing cabinet down the hall—and they'll feel more confident. And also, perhaps, at least for a while they will stop whining.
Rules for dealing with a whiner:
Make him focus on the solution.
Why are they doing that?
Whiners always need someone to vent to.
Let's start with the fact that the whiner tells you how bad everything is and expects to get a response, of course, the easiest way is to tell him “no”, alas, is not always suitable. Agree that the boss to whom you openly say something in the style of: “Viktor Ivanovich, maybe it’s time to stop whining, your whining is not at all interesting to me...” can cause you a lot of trouble later.
Martyrs demand recognition
Being a martyr is almost the same as being offended by someone, only usually when a person is offended, he steps aside and suffers alone. This is the essence of the process. Martyrs prefer to be offended in public and draw attention to their offense. They need you to know that they are suffering and, usually, that you are to blame.
Many things make a martyr feel resentment. His own low self-esteem or the fact that others underestimate him. Maybe it's your fault, I don't know. The reason the martyr is offended by everyone is that, in his opinion, he does not receive the recognition he deserves. And instead of simply turning to him (and this is the most “difficult” moment), he begins to complain and throw mud at those who are supposedly to blame for everything.
If a normal adult feels that someone does not value him enough, he simply talks to him about it, explains to him his feelings and their reason. But martyrs don't behave like that.
They just sigh heavily and throw out “thick” hints, and then expect you to tell them how wonderful they are. You can either do so to defuse the gloomy atmosphere (in doing so, you reinforce the behavior of the martyr), or remain silent, and then the atmosphere will only become even darker.
If you have to deal with an occasional but very annoying martyr, the best thing you can do is take on some of the “adult” work for him. To start a conversation about why paperwork, washing dishes, or anything else causes him such distress, simply say: “I get the impression that for some reason you are against this...” It is possible that he really has some kind of problem. That's a good reason. And if not, at least you paid attention to him and can move on with a clear conscience (even if he can't).
However, there are people who play out the martyrdom scenario with enviable consistency, trying to increase their self-esteem with the help of praise extracted from others. So they constantly complain about how hard they work, how terrible they are treated, what a terrible situation they are in, so that you (or someone else) can tell them how great they are doing. Sometimes they even deliberately stay late at work so that they have something to whine about later (of course, unconsciously - they themselves don’t understand why they do this). And answering them the way they expect will only feed their addiction. This is a form of emotional blackmail, and these people simply want to make you responsible for their own self-worth.
No matter how much you sympathize with them, this work is not for you, but for a professional psychotherapist. If you cannot avoid communicating with such people, try to react neutrally to their behavior. If they tell you how late they left work yesterday, don't praise them for it or express sympathy. Just say something about the weather last night or something like that. Don't accept "sacrifices" from them, such as offers to do some of your work for you. Tell them that you don't need anyone's help.
All the most pronounced and consistent martyrs are, as a rule, unhappy, but, unfortunately, you cannot help them with this (unless, of course, you are a professional psychologist). All you can do is protect yourself and resist the urge to satisfy their thirst for praise and sympathy. If you still really want to do something other than this, try advising them to seek professional help.
Rule of communication with martyrs:
Answering them the way they expect will only feed their addiction.
Someone else's soul - darkness
I will not condemn these people - this is their way of relieving tension, but not everyone is ready to take such a shower and, having shaken themselves up, move on in a good mood.
So learn to say no. And first of all for yourself. Tell yourself: “I am not a handkerchief, not a rag with which you can wipe up the slop and throw it away, I am not a thing!” This is where we will begin our little training - how not to turn into an “emotional toilet” for your interlocutor. Suppose you have already come to the realization that such conversations are unpleasant for you, and there are several techniques on how to prevent a whiner from entering your soul.
Blackmailers want to control you
Are you subject to feelings of guilt? Or do you just sometimes feel like you “should” do something? If yes, then you are an easy victim for emotional blackmailers. These people are especially difficult to interact with because they can manipulate your emotions so that you are left with two equally unpleasant alternatives: do something you don't want to do, or don't do it and feel bad about it. The only one who can remain victorious in such a situation is the blackmailer himself. Unless, of course, you capitulate.
I know several otherwise perfectly nice people who are prone to emotional blackmail. With these people it’s even more difficult - you care about them, and you want them to be happy. And that makes it even more likely that you will fall for their tricks.
You know, people who resort to emotional blackmail are actually very needy - just not what they are trying to force you to do. They often feel insecure and helpless, or they need your love and devotion so much that they get you to demonstrate these feelings. Although such a forced demonstration is not generally considered, from their point of view, it is better than nothing.
They are trying to control you to get what they want. This is the essence, regardless of the scale and nature of the requirements. You might be blackmailed by a colleague to make a report for him, or maybe by your parents.
Photo: Depositphotos.
I know several parents who have used emotional blackmail with their children: “I tried so hard to make you a nice lunch, and I will be very sad if you don’t eat it all.” If you want your child to finish his portion, either explain to him why this is important or threaten him with punishment. Or just give him less food. Or don't force him to finish eating. All of the above options are quite acceptable - unlike emotional blackmail.
Many parents continue to behave in the same way after their children leave their father’s house: “You’ll come to us, won’t you? We feel so lonely when no one comes to visit.” Emotional blackmailers try to shift responsibility for their emotional state onto you. To do this, they offer you some kind of twisted emotional deal. But, of course, of all your emotions, they are only interested in feelings of fear, or guilt, or at least responsibility. With this weapon they want to control you.
If you fall for such tricks - and this happens to everyone at least from time to time - then you must understand that the more successful emotional blackmail is, the more difficult it will be for the blackmailer to stop or learn to control his emotions. So by giving in, you may be satisfying his immediate needs, but you are exacerbating his deeper, long-term problems.
Have the courage to say no. You can say this in a calm, friendly tone, but show that you are determined. Even try adding: “Are you emotionally blackmailing me?” This often forces blackmailers to back down. If such a blackmailer is your close relative and you feel that this cannot continue, it is possible that you will have to completely break off relations with him.
The most important thing, regardless of the severity of the situation, is to understand that you are being blackmailed and surround your feelings with an impenetrable wall. Don't take responsibility for the emotional well-being of others. Ironically, forcing people to take on this responsibility themselves only helps them maintain emotional health. (But it’s not your responsibility to take care of their emotional health either.)
Rules for dealing with blackmailers:
Remember that emotional blackmailers try to shift responsibility for their emotional state onto you.
Parting words
As I already mentioned, there are a lot of methods, choose or invent, everything is only in your hands, and an unpleasant person, with the right approach, can turn out to be a necessary and interesting person, sometimes you need to “pick off” his shell in order to enjoy the delicious taste.
In any case, you need to “educate” your environment. By creating a reputation for yourself as a person who should not be disturbed by small things, you will win yourself a lot of points and will be able to improve relationships with anyone. Remember that communication is important, it changes the world, builds our society and plays a fundamental role in our lives. Let's change the world for the better! All the best to you and interesting interlocutors!
Tsygvintseva Anastasia · 28 Jul, 2015
