The psychology of criticism: how to properly perceive feedback at work

Many people are extremely sensitive to the criticism of others. Especially if it happens at work. The reason for this lies in the way our brain works. For many people, one could even argue that for the majority, negative information turns out to be much more important than positive information. It is clear that criticism will bear fruit only if the person to whom it is addressed is himself committed to its correct analysis and perception. How should you handle critical comments from management? Today we will look at a few basic points.

What makes criticism constructive?

It is important to make a reservation that not everything that we are accustomed to consider constructive criticism actually is it.
Constructive criticism is, first of all, friendly, appropriate and respectful feedback about the work or actions of another person. It does not imply becoming personal, splashing out negative emotions and self-affirmation at the expense of another, and should not hurt the self-esteem of another person - all this has nothing to do with criticism no relation.

“What makes constructive criticism is the shoulder-to-shoulder position. The focus here is not on hurting, demonstrating superiority, making fun of - but on real help,” says Ekaterina Sigitova. — In Russia, this approach is unpopular, firstly, because of the harsh conditions in which not only we, but entire generations of our parents grew up. For many years, it was believed that correcting shortcomings was paramount in both the upbringing of children and the lives of adults. Praise and support were not considered important, they were neglected by everyone, from families to the state. It is not surprising that criticism has such an impact on us and that we have internalized this state of affairs as the norm. Secondly, we have a very narcissistic, aggressive and competitive culture, so criticism is most often used as a way of dominance, a show of power and ego scratching.”

What is the critic really talking about?

Let's think about this together: who is the critic reproaching? It seems that you. But is it?

I'll give you a slightly grotesque but real example. A young man met a girl on a dating site. They corresponded pleasantly, telling each other about work, hobbies, news. Things were heading towards a meeting when the girl asked the young man to send her the exact date of his birthday. He sent it. The next morning, he received a message in which the girl wrote that “our communication is ending because, according to the astrological forecast, we are incompatible.”

The question is: did the girl refuse this particular young man? No. She refused a certain fictional image in her head, and the motive for her refusal has nothing to do with a specific living person.

For example, your mother may think that you are raising your child incorrectly. However, the source of her judgments is her system of subjective views and beliefs. Strictly speaking, the problem is not that you are actually doing something wrong, but that in your mother’s head there is a discrepancy between the way you act and the idea of ​​how it should be.

Therefore, the very first reaction to a critical remark should not be thinking about whether it is fair or not, but something like this mental question: “I wonder what picture a person sees, what movie he watches?”

“You painted a bad picture,” says the critic. And you don’t think, “Really? What a horror!” and “Who said that? Is this person knowledgeable in this area? Why does he say that? What does his opinion matter?

This change in the perception of criticism radically reduces sensitivity and penetration by negativity, from which so many sensitive, vulnerable people suffer.

Never criticize other people

My 2nd advice to you: never, never and never again - do not criticize other people!

Because this is what low-ranking people do, thereby showing their low-ranking, their inferiority, weakness, shortcomings, complexes, lack of self-confidence and other cockroaches...

A high-ranking person will never waste his time, effort, energy, and other resources on this, because there is no point in this. That's all. A high-ranking person always has goals in life - and he (s) moves towards them, no matter what, achieving his goals. Dot.

What is the use of criticism?

Constructive criticism is useful, but destructive criticism can only bring harm. Positive criticism helps eliminate mistakes and helps avoid their repetition.

If criticism takes a creative form, then it plays the role of a mirror in which we can observe ourselves and our mistakes so as not to repeat them later. Constructive criticism is sometimes necessary in a team; destructive criticism, on the contrary, can become a source of big problems.

Most people don't like having their mistakes pointed out to them. But if you look at it from the perspective of personal growth, then accepting constructive criticism is necessary

Naturally, an appropriate manner of presentation must be used. In the field of education and upbringing, constructive criticism contributes to the development of science and the formation of personality.

In order to achieve success in life, you need to maintain a positive outlook on your surroundings. We need to become partners, both for our leaders and for our subordinates. This attitude will help you succeed and gain the respect and love of others.

Inner critic - who is it?

The inner critic is a part of the human psyche that in a certain way solves issues of control and evaluation, and a part of a person’s personality that is formed in childhood and is based on his personal childhood experience.

In different psychological directions there is an idea of ​​the controlling and evaluative part of the psyche: the Super-I in psychoanalysis, the evaluative part of the self-concept in client-centered psychotherapy, variants of subpersonalities in Assagioli psychosynthesis or the Controlling Parent in transactional analysis.

A small child cannot control or evaluate himself. This function is performed for him by adults, and above all, by significant adults. And how adults do this depends on what the inner life will be like.

critic of a person. You know, there is a rule: “what you say to a child today, he will say to himself as an adult.”

It is with the words of our important people that the critic within us sounds - the words of a mother, father, grandmother or grandfather, older brother, teacher or coach. When you recognize your critic, you will even hear the intonations of those people who influenced his formation:

* mom, am I beautiful? - you're ordinary.

* I got a B! - when will the A's be?

* I want... - I want to, I want to.

* this is my table! - There’s nothing of yours here.

Of course, monitoring and evaluation themselves are important and useful functions.

But how they are implemented is also important. For a number of reasons (neurotic methods of interaction passed on from generation to generation, the level of psychological culture, etc.), the positive side of these functions is often leveled out and transformed beyond recognition: control turns into strict supervision, into restriction of freedom and lack of choice, and assessment into devaluing criticism and humiliating scolding

As a result, instead of a person with reliable supports, stable boundaries and adequate self-esteem (which, in fact, is what the functions of control and evaluation should serve), we see a person who says: “I am very easy to hurt, any remark unsettles me,” “any mistake.” for me this is a failure”, “I don’t even immediately understand that I was insulted”, “I am very dependent on the praise and assessment of others.”

Do you like this state of affairs? No to me.

Can we change something in the existing and habitual interaction with ourselves? I'm sure we can.

The inner critic is not an external object or subject. This is what lives inside us, which means it is something we can control in one way or another. For example, we cannot change a capricious and demanding mother-in-law, a boorish boss or an accusing and manipulating mother (although many try). But we can do it for our inner “scolder”. Simply because it is part of us, which means it is in our zone of influence. And this, I think, is the main optimism of practical psychology and psychotherapy: a person is able to change. Not always easy, not always fast, sometimes on my own, sometimes with the help of a specialist - in different ways, but capable.

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Everyone reacts to criticism in their own way, someone experiences a feeling of guilt, someone’s self-esteem decreases, someone’s aggression awakens, someone enters an irritated state from which it is difficult to get out later...

You can write this: “Try to take everything calmly, hear your interlocutor...” and the like. Only in moments when we are criticized do we completely forget all the advice and begin to react the way we are used to always reacting.

To stop reacting negatively to criticism once and for all, you need to find the roots of this perception. But this is no longer in article format, but individual work. Therefore, first, let’s find out what criticism is and what it is like.

Criticism - from Greek: the art of disassembling, judging.

Criticism is used when one wants to discuss something in order to evaluate it, or make a negative judgment in order to point out shortcomings, or check the reliability of something.

We are already accustomed to the fact that criticism only carries a negative message. Why do we perceive this way?

There are several reasons for this. Let's talk about some of them now.

If criticism gives a feeling of irretrievable loss or the impossibility of fixing something, changing something, then we perceive it as fatal criticism. After all, the events have already happened and we cannot go back to the past to change anything. The situation is deadlocked.

Most often, such criticism is used in families when the husband or wife points out that it was necessary to do this and that. But the situation has already happened! And criticism is not appropriate here; if the husband or wife knew what SHOULD have been done RIGHT, then they most likely would have done so. Most often, such criticism ends in a quarrel or disagreement.

The next criticism that gives a negative message can be called edifying criticism. For example, when a mother ends her monologue with her son with the words: “You understood what you should have done!” or “You should have listened to what I told you!” A child in such a situation will perceive that he is simply being picked on.

Further. Unconstructive criticism is criticism that goes “one way”, when the critic gives vent to his emotions, and, having become inflamed, cannot stop in time. Such criticism either suppresses or causes rejection or confrontation.

Criticism with a negative generalization is perceived most painfully. Moreover, generalizations can only be made based on one specific case. The expression “you always...” or “you always...”, or “if you put in the effort, you could do it” causes resistance. A person either begins to make excuses, or prove that this is an isolated incident, or simply stops paying attention to the critic.

It is clear that in none of these cases does criticism contribute to understanding the situation and effective interaction.

Remember a time when you perceived criticism directed at you as unfounded.

How did you feel when you were criticized?

How did you take criticism?

Did you listen to the remark in silence or try to explain something?

If you were indignant and tried to explain something in response to a remark, then such criticism was more likely to suppress you than to give you enthusiasm.

Remember the last time you criticized someone.

How did the person being criticized feel, and how did he perceive your criticism?

We cannot change another person, but we can see our reaction to unconstructive criticism. And only after that replace your usual reaction with the reaction that is desired for you.

If you are interested in exploring your reactions and replacing them with others that are more comfortable for you, answer three questions to further explore this topic.

1. How do you react to criticism?

2. How would you like to react?

3. How do you distinguish valid criticism from unfounded criticism?

To be continued…

Sincerely, Tatyana Ushakova

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What kind of criticism is there?

There are many types of criticism. They differ in the scope of use, the method of presentation and perception, and the goals they pursue. Criticism happens:

1. Aesthetic
   . About beauty and ugliness, taste and bad taste, style and fashion, the meaning and quality of a work.
2. Logical
   . An idea, argument, action, or situation that makes no rational sense.
3. Actual
   . About the lack of sufficient evidence.
4. Positive
   . About positive but ignored aspects. Often people only see the negative side of something, so there is a need to highlight the positive. Often used for self-defense and justification.
5. Negative
   . About what is wrong and meaningless. Expresses disapproval, disagreement and highlights shortcomings. Often interpreted as an attack.
6. Practical
   . About the beneficial effect.
7. Theoretical
   . About the meaning of the ideas on which practice is based.

There are many types of criticism - it is an integral part of almost all spheres of human life. But the most famous two types are constructive and destructive criticism. Indeed, no matter how many variants of criticism exist, they can all be divided into these two “camps”. The difference between constructive and destructive criticism lies in the way the judgment is presented.

Constructive criticism

Constructive criticism is intended to identify mistakes and help what, where and how to improve. It should be considered useful feedback. When criticism is constructive, it is usually easier to accept, even if it hurts a little

It is important to remember that it can be used to your advantage. Therefore, when releasing criticism towards someone, it is worth thinking about what benefit it will bring

Rules for constructive criticism:

1. Follow the “sandwich” method: first, focus on the strengths, then the weaknesses, and at the end, repeat the advantages and possible positive results after eliminating the disadvantages.
2. Focus on the situation, not the person's personality.
3. Make your feedback specific.
4. Give recommendations on how to do better.
5. Avoid sarcasm.

Destructive criticism

Destructive criticism hurts pride and negatively affects self-esteem and deprives confidence. Destructive criticism is sometimes simply a thoughtless action by another person, but can also be deliberately mean, and in some cases lead to anger and aggression. Types of destructive criticism:

1. Bias
   . The critic does not admit that he may be wrong.
2. Nebula
   . The assessment is given without specifics.
3. Irrelevance
   . The arguments are irrelevant.
4. Disrespect
   . Expressing judgments in a rude manner.
5. Unsubstantiated
   . Without examples or justifications.
6. Sweepingness
   . Rejection of alternative points of view.

Criticism – constructive and not very

Constructive criticism is a “debriefing” that helps to identify mistakes and develop

And here the defendant being criticized, if he is truly interested in improvement, should put aside delusions of grandeur, stop making excuses, and pay resigned attention to what is being said to him

Such “criticism” is used in psychological counseling to unobtrusively rub the client’s nose into his misconceptions. But no constructive approach will help when the recipient is focused not so much on development as on self-affirmation. Then any criticism, advice and comments will be perceived as an aggressive attack. That's probably all there is to constructive criticism.

Destructive criticism manifests itself much richer and more intricately. Although her central motive is vulgarly simple, which is why it is hidden behind an abundance of different-feathered guises.

Without any disguises, that is, in its pure form, self-affirmation is not practiced, because it is built on self-deception - replacing the obvious fact of active self-love with some plausible reason, for example, constructive criticism or righteous anger. And when self-deception is exposed, the very structure of self-affirmation crumbles. Therefore, if you stick out your ego, then do it consciously, so at least there is a chance to recognize your self-deception and psychologically “settle down.”

Therefore, critics with a coarsened consciousness assert themselves in a rude manner. Their uncouth motives are not obvious to them. Sophisticated people fool themselves with subtlety, presenting themselves in the best light with masterful grace.

In general, with any form of destructive criticism, the critic is trying to convey to us a simple message that he is better than us. Everything else is details - a smokescreen of justifications and justifications drenched in lies.

The critic's motives

It can be helpful to think about the motives of the person criticizing you.

If you didn’t ask for feedback, then most likely the critic is trying to “do well” not for you, but for himself. In the simplest case, it increases self-esteem at your expense. It is also possible that he is experiencing discomfort and cannot do anything about it except criticize you (“It’s your fault that I want to eat.” I.A. Krylov, “The Wolf and the Lamb”).

Understanding the critic's motives greatly helps to correctly relate to his statements. If you see that a person simply wants to belittle you, then there is no point in wondering whether his reproaches are fair, whether you need to apologize or improve. Answer in one of the two ways listed above - and forget about it.

Name your critic

One day a client came to a psychologist who was young, smart, and very pretty, but she could never relax because she never felt good enough. She was terrified of her mistakes, so she avoided people and things that could bring her happiness. She didn't want to risk a relationship because she wasn't (in her opinion) good enough. The psychologist asked her to tell her what her inner critic looked like. She replied that it looked like an ugly wolf. She thought about it and added that he could eat it even if he wasn’t hungry. She said this voice criticizes her even though she doesn't deserve it

Over the next few weeks, as she began to pay attention to the presence of this "wolf", she noticed that it was natural for her to calm down. This is what makes this technique different from what we usually do, because we turn face to face with our criticism instead of running away from it. You can try this exercise

Close your eyes and try to imagine what your inner critic looks like. You can give it a name that matches it. The next time you hear his voice, simply notice to yourself that the critic is present. Giving a name to the inner critic allows you to see him for who he is. When you name it and become aware of its presence, it loses some of its power. Research on the emotion of names shows that when you name what you feel, there is a decrease in activity in the part of the brain that controls emotion. Labeling your experiences will help you calm your mind. When you label what is going on inside you, you feel both calmer and more responsible.

Understand Your Critic

Many people believe that their inner critic exists to help them. “If I stop listening to him, I won't achieve anything. I'll become fat and lazy." People assume it is the voice of reason. Psychologists describe the inner critic as an expression of our fear. When there is a threat to your safety, adrenaline levels begin to rise, blood pressure rises, cortisol is produced - the body prepares to either fight the danger or run away from it. The same thing happens when we think that something threatens us, even if there is no real threat. The inner critic convinces us that the problem lies with ourselves. According to psychologists, the critic puts us on alert, only instead of fighting the danger, we will fight ourselves. We should be able to honestly evaluate ourselves and our lives, but the inner critic will not do this for us. If we see and understand that our inner critic is an expression of fear, and not the voice of reason, we can objectively evaluate both ourselves and our lives.

Be more than your critic

The inner critic is a big problem in our culture. When we believe that we are never good enough, it is impossible to relax. We constantly experience stressful sensations. A critic influences how we make decisions and limits the possibilities in our lives. But the only way for a critic to truly flourish is if we continue to believe what he says. It thrives when we relate all our actions and actions to what others will think. I'm not saying that we shouldn't care what other people think or that we shouldn't consider other people's opinions. But focusing too much on this gives the inner critic a job. When we have a purpose for ourselves and our lives that is greater than being good, we become more than our critic. Realize that your goal is not to be perfect. Changing your priorities will help you become more comfortable with your inner critic and live a much fuller life.

About ethics and criticism among creative people...

There is an idea that creative people are airy creatures, highly sensitive, living in their own worlds and easily wounded. However, in a situation of market relations, where there is a need to declare one’s creativity and oneself, very earthly behavior also takes place, often sarcastic and caustic. And then the conflicting feelings that arise and the question become clear: how can creative people be like this?

After reading a number of publications and comments to them, I also decided to write on the topic of communication.

On the one hand, we are all different people - with our own tastes and ideas. Each of us comes into this world with our own inclinations, develops some of our abilities and fulfills some of our missions, filling life with meaning. This is the essential part of the “I” that many want to meet or find in their search for themselves, which continues throughout most of their lives, including through creativity. This is precisely the part that lives in its own worlds, speaks the language of feelings and drives, is felt and manifests itself as individuality. You want to open it, you want to be in agreement with it, you want to share and give from it, from it comes the need to pour out your soul, it needs attention, acceptance, gratitude. And at the same time, she is unbridled and vulnerable, and is carefully protected from damaging external influences.

On the other hand, we have a lot in common. We humans, as a biological species, are social animals, we live in groups, we adapt to each other and to groups of people, we develop public and unspoken rules for how to deal with these relationships. We use reason, speech and conscious behavioral strategies. At the same time, we develop our personal qualities - both approved, for example: politeness, and condemned, for example: lying. The personal part of the “I” uses them to get through and adapt in society, and changes them like clothes, depending on the weather. Relatively speaking, if it is sunny, they are white and fluffy, if it is gloomy, they are sharp and dark.

Throughout life, we accumulate experience - through our own practical actions, mistakes and learning, and it, settling in the subconscious, is projected onto everything that comes into view, and, as it were, forms a kind of glasses through which we look at the world. For some they are pink, for others they are gray, for others they are covered with a layer of dust, etc. These “glasses” (projections) are always with us. They can “fog up,” become dirty, layer additional lenses, and manifest themselves in life as grievances and conflicts, and we wipe them with varying degrees of frequency and diligence—we read smart books (articles/forums), go to a psychologist (psychotherapist/psychiatrist/ coach/mentor/trainer/mentor/guru/mom-dad), we turn to spiritual practices. Often the “points” change from one to another. But they do not cease to exist, and we look at the world through them - projections of our experience are always with us.

Nature has taken care of us by endowing our brain with special cells - mirror neurons, thanks to the functioning of which we are capable of empathy - we can intuitively understand at the level of the emotional response of other people, figuratively speaking, we can “take the place of another”, we can empathize with each other, imitate each other, adopting experience. I assume that thanks to mirror neurons, different people can independently and simultaneously capture ideas floating in the air - a common information field. Especially considering that nowadays access to a huge amount of information is open to most people thanks to the Internet and other modern means of communication, and the brain is forced to adapt to this situation and constantly adjust its “antennas” in order to keep up with the flow of life. And here we are not talking about the direct transfer of experience through training, not about plagiarism and borrowing ideas, but about the fact that the same or similar ideas can simultaneously come to the minds of two strangers; there are plenty of such examples in history. Therefore, in the age of globalization, it becomes more difficult to invent something new that is not related to digital technologies.

Returning to the topic of communication, what happens is that we seem to be reflected in each other: what causes a response is also in us, even if it is not realized. I would like to note that both the coincidence and the difference in views evoke a response in us, touching some of our own feelings.

If different people's perceptions coincide, we experience joy of belonging and support, and this makes us stronger.

But since everyone’s life experience is different, the same thing can be seen, heard, perceived differently by different people: for some, the combination of incompatible things gives courage, and for others, it is a vulgar image. Or like this:

Against the background of this difference, not only rumors can arise, but also disputes that can weaken.

So, our response judgments and assessments, built on the basis of our own life experience, are nothing more than our own projections. Expressed, they also evoke a response in other people: for example, recognition and acceptance is reflected in reciprocal gratitude, enthusiasm can be reflected as gratitude, or can be perceived by others as flattery and reflected in distrust, dissatisfaction in the form of “fi” - as grumpiness and causticity and is reflected retaliatory defense. Moreover, in the Internet space it can be easier to express your assessments than eye to eye, but their perception can be more distorted due to the lack of a non-verbal component of speech.

Agree, the Masters Fair is a very public place, even a personal blog is open to everyone. And I think that the issue of communication ethics is far from the last place for any person in public.

I propose to imagine this resource as a large shopping center populated by many different private companies, workshops, shops and clients visiting them. This shopping center has a rule: all doors are open to everyone. Representatives of companies constantly visit neighboring offices and halls through open doors, where they gather to discuss work issues, exchange experiences in master classes, etc.

Now imagine yourself in the following two situations.

Situation No. 1 . If you were to show up at someone’s office or master class hall, and you had a disagreement with what you see there, and you wanted to express your “fi” to the owner, client, or visitor, to instruct him, what would you do?

For some reason, it seems to me that most would simply share their impressions with each other, or leave, saving their time. As a last resort, they left an entry in the book of complaints and suggestions. But this is reality. And in the virtual space you can leave a comment. Therefore, if you want to look decent when presenting your claims, it is better to do it with respect. To do this, you can use the following working communication techniques that any psychologist will recommend:

I am the message . Its point is to give the author feedback - every author is interested in feedback, right? It is important to talk only about your feelings, about your feelings, thoughts, actions and desires that arise regarding an incident that is unacceptable to you, a controversial selection or a master class, avoiding obvious assessments of “this is bad” and without attaching your own labels. As options: “For me, it looks as if...” “When I look at this, I have this feeling..., I want to do this...”. In this case, you speak sincerely from your core, and this allows you to pour out your soul, calmly admit the unacceptable incident and your attitude towards it - and this does not cause rejection in others. Openness and the absence of hints, irony, and ridicule are important, since they can be a hidden aggressive impulse and be reflected in retaliatory aggression, including in the form of deleting comments. After all, not every author of a publication or master class will tolerate labeling and giving valuable, free, but unsolicited advice; one or two comments are enough for a person to see his shortcomings. And for some, only deleting comments is an acceptable defensive reaction.

Constructive criticism. The purpose of this technique is to make your position clear and your opponent to agree with it. First of all, it is important to find something that you can support and say about it - this way the chances of accepting criticism increase. For example, you saw a crude master class, but with good photos, or this is the author’s first such work, and you can support his photography skills or his courage. Support is expressed simply by stating a fact: “the photos of the work are excellent,” without additional ironic remarks. The second step is to describe specific moments that cause negativity in you, and your feelings and thoughts in connection with this through the “I-message”, this will help the author admit his shortcomings. The third stage is a description of how you would do it, what exactly should be changed in your opinion, but avoiding teaching and advice, again using the “I-message”, this will allow the author to accept and agree with your arguments, and the readers to see you as an expert . The fourth stage is general reinforcement, for example, in the form of the phrase “it was important for me to say this,” or thank you for your attention.

Situation No. 2 . If a dissatisfied visitor or competitor came into your space and publicly admonishes you (your client, another visitor), expresses his “fie” or ridicules you, how would you treat him?

Feedback for any person - about him personally or about his work is very valuable and useful as long as it is not offensive. You can always find something useful for yourself from it and wind it into your head. But this does not mean that anyone can freely be rude, throw slippers, eggs and tomatoes, and most importantly, involve others in it. Responding to rudeness with rudeness is a dubious option, as it provokes an escalation of the conflict, and does not make one’s face better. Ignoring is an option, but publications and master classes remain on the site, and even if you delete a comment, there will definitely still be “kind” commentators, and if you close a topic, it can be savored in color on blogs and neighboring topics. In this case, I propose some working methods of communication, in addition to the already stated “I am a message” and “Constructive criticism”:

Positive response to criticism. The goal is to find a common language and agreement with the opponent. The difficulty lies in your own endurance. However, it is the format of online communication that gives enough time to step back a little, breathe out the indignation that has arisen, and think about your answer. And when the main wave of negative feelings subsides, just carefully re-read the critical comment again. Then we write an answer, retelling what we agree with, or what corresponds to the truth - it is better to admit obvious things right away. For example: “Yes, the selection is controversial,” or “Yes, this is the first time for me, I’m a beginner.” And then reformulate the criticism and these mistakes into tasks for the future. In this case, the critic sees that he is recognized and is not responded to with aggression, and his attitude towards you changes. Or, having discovered incomprehensible, unacceptable individual conclusions behind the general ones, ask your opponent specifically about them to clarify the situation. This approach instills confidence and defuses the situation.

Designation of personal boundaries . The goal is to protect your “I” from ongoing bullying, without using retaliatory attacks, saving your face - remember that the Masters Fair is a public place. Firstly, I think it’s important to express gratitude to the person who took the time and energy to give feedback - that is, to recognize the critic as a person who resonated with your work. Next, using “I am the message”, distinguish between your position and the position of your opponent. For example: “I’m glad that you understand this - I will have a lot to learn from you, but I found this material/method, etc., and I found it interesting, I wanted to share...”. It is helpful to understand that if a person continues to criticize, despite your efforts to find a common language with him, this indicates that his deep feelings are hurt by your material. The differentiation of positions allows you to recognize your own and your opponent’s dignity, and reduce the intensity of passions.

The communication techniques described above are not an innovative invention, they are successfully used by participants in a wide variety of discussions, and they really help to maintain composure in any public disputes. That is why I decided to once again draw attention to them in this publication for everyone’s benefit.

Enjoy your communication and thank you for your attention!

PS Pictures and photos for publication were taken from open sources.

Not a symmetrical, but a targeted response

Let's move on to the next stage: how to respond to criticism?

Let's think about this question: what do we want to get as a result?

If you have understood the previous part of the article, then you understand that you do not need to make excuses. There is no task to convince the critic, to prove to him that he is wrong, and that you are actually a good person. In many situations, the task is this: to respond to criticism in such a way that a conflict does not flare up and the issue is closed.

What will contribute to this outcome? Partial agreement with the critic. You find something in a critical message that you can agree with and talk about it. “You're late again! Why can’t you arrive on time?!” “Yes, I really arrived at 9:07 today. There was no bus for a long time.” “This press release is no good. Did you write it tonight?” “Yes, there was no time to “comb” the text; the necessary information arrived late.”

You partially agree with the remark, plus give an explanation. But you do not agree with negative generalizations (“always”, “never”, “no good”), you do not make excuses, and do not convince the critic.

In this scenario, the most likely continuation of the conversation is its completion. Another, also good option is to move on to specifics: what exactly is wrong in the text of the press release, what you missed because you were late for the meeting, etc.

“Your report is no good!” - “What exactly in my report does not suit you?” “Your presentation is a bunch of incomprehensible numbers!” - “What numbers exactly do you not understand?” “You didn’t clean the apartment well!” - “What exactly do you not like, can you clarify?”

Constructive criticism

How to distinguish constructive criticism from destructive? At the level of definitions, everything is simple: even if someone does not agree with us, but this is intended to point out mistakes in order to eliminate them and not repeat them again - this is constructive. In other words, this means that such criticism is more in our interests than in the person from whom it comes.

Dealing with constructive criticism

1. To understand whether criticism is constructive, ask yourself how true it is. It's a shame to get a 4-minus on the final test, but if you really made mistakes, could the teacher give you a 5? If a colleague criticizes you during an important report, think about whose interests he is acting in? You made a mistake in the calculations, which could be discovered later and cause losses to the company, and you could be deprived of a bonus or, even worse, a job. Is it worth being offended in this case?
2. Learn to manage your emotions. Hearing questions, objections, criticism addressed to them, many begin to worry and do not know what to do correctly. It's probably happened to everyone that in the heat of an argument not a single good argument comes to mind, but after that arguments are found very easily. So here, in order to react correctly, you need to be as collected as possible. As a last resort, you can always apologize, leave, put your thoughts in order, calm down, come back and continue. This ability can be trained. Here are two simple exercises. Ask your friend to criticize you for the smallest household things and habits: clothes scattered around the room, appearance, habit of putting your hands in your pockets, etc. Try to respond to such criticism reasonably. The rationale is simple - this way you will develop some reflex and the ability to quickly respond to criticism. And the fact that it comes from a loved one does not evoke such strong emotions. The second exercise is simpler, but without proper skill, or rather without a tendency to self-criticism and introspection, it is less effective. The point is to “study” each previous time you were criticized in terms of your feelings and reactions. And, by analyzing your past experience, learn to behave more correctly in the future.

1. Don't meet criticism with hostility. If you immediately begin to make excuses or, even worse, show aggression towards the critic, this will not only show you in a bad light, but will also convince those present that the accusations are true. If the remark is sensible, agree with it, promise to sort everything out and not make any more mistakes. If your position is criticized and challenged, you can always delay the answer, present it in a humorous or figurative form.
2. Never take anything said personally. We are talking about your work, its results, actions and actions, but not about you. No one has the right to judge you as a person. Criticism only applies to certain aspects of everyday life and should never affect your overall self-esteem or become a reason for blues or depression.
3. Deal with criticism literally. Never leave unfinished a task for which you have been criticized. Take into account the wishes, correct mistakes, communicate with the critic to understand his position in detail. If you do not agree, politely express your thoughts and try to resolve the conflict situation immediately.

How to criticize correctly?

There are two types of critical behavior:

1. A person objectively weighs the pros and cons, and then makes a conclusion.
2. The critic makes judgments based on emotions.

The latter is often associated with cruelty. Criticism in this case stems from an internal feeling of dissatisfaction and a continuous effort to resist it. A person who tends to be “emotionally” critical tries to increase their sense of self-worth by denying the value of another person. Such criticism is based on arrogance and is a relationship killer.

The golden rule that psychologists recommend adhering to is “Respect the person. Focus criticism on the behavior that needs to be changed—what people actually do and say.”

. In any case, no matter what criticism comes your way, you need to remember that it can be extremely useful if you remember:

1. Criticism is a form of communication.
   By accepting criticism, you receive feedback, and with it the opportunity to improve for the better.
2. Feedback helps you improve.
   If you always think you're right without getting feedback from anyone, how do you know if you're right?
3. Correct criticism gives you an advantage.
   This is especially true in the professional sphere if the client can tell what ideal product or service he needs.
4. You need to respond to criticism correctly - language is very important.
   It's better not to get into an argument.
5. There is no need to take criticism, even if it seems extremely unfair, to heart.

Don't panic

What happens when a person, for example, is a few minutes late for work? Oh, in some organizations this can cause real paranoia. Where discipline comes first, even a slight tardiness can be a reason to visit the manager's office.

But even in this case, there is no need to escalate the situation. Imagine: you are standing in front of your boss’s desk, talkative colleagues are chatting with each other outside the door, whose work you have disrupted with your slight tardiness. And now a verdict awaits you: you will be fired, fined, beheaded or hanged.

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How does it feel to be criticized?

Before you give an assessment, you should understand that all spoken words will be reflected from the person being criticized, and this reflection can be both positive and negative.

Think about what impact criticism will have on a person and his actions in the future, what benefits your criticism will bring and for whom. Keep in mind that if you fail to formulate an assessment with a positive attitude, criticism can cause harm to your opponent.

Basically, criticism puts the person being criticized into a state of stress and this can subsequently lead to a deterioration in relationships between people. It has been noted that a person who subjects everything to destructive criticism feels lonely even in the family. People around them avoid such people, as they always receive negative assessments.

Along with criticism, the interlocutor sometimes develops a feeling of rejection. A person who constantly listens to criticism towards himself feels like a failure, and his self-esteem becomes low. Under such conditions, his anxiety increases and, being in a state of constant stress, he makes more and more mistakes. In turn, a person who often makes mistakes receives more negative criticism.

Criticism can lead a person to lose activity and courage or to increase irritation. A person who receives negative evaluations day after day becomes timid; if the person being criticized shows anger, further dialogue with him becomes impossible

Despite the presence of worthy qualities, for unknown reasons, attention is focused only on his mistakes and mistakes. When the strengths of the person being criticized are constantly ignored, their number decreases over time, because if the gardener begins to pay attention only to weeds, the garden will soon run wild

A person who is constantly criticized feels unhappy and may withdraw into himself.

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Why does a person criticize? Is criticism helpful?

The man who criticized everything and everyone also criticized one picture. Someone standing next to him asked: “Have you yourself ever created anything so beautiful?” The man replied: “My dear, I don’t know how to lay eggs, but I know very well whether they are good or rotten!” We often encounter people criticizing and being criticized. Why do people criticize? What is the psychology of criticism? Is criticism useful? How to conduct positive criticism? How does criticism affect the human psyche? Criticism can be expressed verbally, in writing, or through action. The dictionary states that criticism is the discovery and demonstration of the positive and negative qualities, shortcomings and excesses, the beautiful and ugly sides of a person, work or issue. A positive or negative assessment of criticism, from a moral point of view, depends on when, where, in relation to whom, to what extent, for what purpose and with what intentions it is carried out. If you look at it from this angle, then criticism can be of two types - positive, i.e. constructive, beneficial, and negative, i.e. destructive, harmful. Based on these factors, the impact of criticism can be just as different. Why does a person criticize? From the point of view of improving personal and social life, it is useful when mistakes are noticed and pointed out with good intentions and in such a way that the person and his environment do not suffer as a result. Such positive criticism carries with it the idea of ​​correcting mistakes. Those who, within the framework of family or society, stubbornly adhere to negative criticism, over time fall into such a state that over time they begin to look for the bad sides in everything. It often happens that this kind of criticism becomes a kind of habit. Destructive criticism may be based on emotions and personal considerations. Rivalry and envy also constantly push a person to criticize. In this situation, there is no good intention or goal to fix anything or solve any problem, and therefore both parties are harmed. In short, one cannot speak with the intention of “beating the vinedresser instead of eating grapes.” Although sincerity in assessments, rejection of emotions and personal considerations in most cases prevents destructive criticism, we cannot help but encounter the latter if we do not learn to determine its place, time, dose and form. Destructive criticism can turn into a social disease. For example, the destructive criticism heard in the media, even of respected persons who have fallen victim to their emotions, is surprising. Critical judgments expressed during many television discussions, instead of a positive approach, aim to cause material and moral damage to the opponent. Whatever this opponent says, a biased assessment is expressed, and then criticism begins. This pattern, which is causing deep wounds in public life, must be changed before it infects the younger generation. Nowadays, when individualism is presented as liberation in the “personal development” invented in the West, personality and selfishness have become excessively widespread. In this situation, one tries to “destroy in order not to be destroyed,” to surpass others in order to succeed, to criticize others in a destructive manner in order to preserve personal interests. As you can see, selfishness and complacency increase negative criticism. Psychology of a critic In destructive criticism there is a lack of empathy (i.e., the ability to enter into someone else’s position - editor’s note), they don’t think too much about the psychology of the opponent. People who have a sufficient degree of this ability are less prone to destructive criticism. People who focus their attention on negative aspects and pessimists often try to find shortcomings. They are impressed by the mistakes and shortcomings of everyone and everything. A conscious or unconscious pessimistic view of things in people who feel unhappy and experience some dissatisfaction for a long time, the tendency to criticize increases. They may not notice the state they are in. People around them should pay attention to them and come to their aid. For example, a pessimistic child during games regards the normal behavior of his comrades towards him as an evil intention, criticizes them and thinks that he is not loved. In such a situation, people who know him closely should pay more attention to him. People who strive beyond measure for perfection in everything, constantly evaluate themselves and others, as if trying to get rid of any mistakes, exposing them to everyone. They criticize others, causing their stress to deepen. For example, a mother striving for perfection does not even agree with her child’s “B” grade, demanding only “A” grades from him. This can cause stress in the child and reduce his academic performance. Demanding and expecting perfection can cause many good things to disappear. Subconsciously, the critic may think: “I know better, I can do better!” Based on this thought, he finds shortcomings in people or events and, in accordance with this, in his characteristic manner, proves that he knows something better than his opponent, thus becoming the cause of increasing selfishness and narcissism. This kind of criticism can gradually become destructive. Some criticize in order to unconsciously hide their own mistakes. Such cases are especially common within organizations. The critic believes that by subjecting others to criticism or finding their shortcomings, he strengthens his own positions and hides his own mistakes. In a family, attributing mistakes to the expense of others also prevents a person from correcting his mistakes and upsets the balance between its members. People who constantly evaluate everything and everyone from a negative point of view not only become stressed and doubtful themselves, but also spread negative energy to their surroundings, which leads to their isolation. Psychology of the criticized Every word spoken is reflected on the opposite side. Reflection can be positive or negative. Before we evaluate, we need to consider why we criticize something, and also anticipate who will benefit and to what extent as a result of it. We must not forget that our words will not only be a message to our opponent, but also that they will influence that person's actions in the future. It should be remembered that assessments that we could not formulate positively may harm the other side.

Criticism puts stress mainly on the person being criticized, and this eventually leads to distance between people and each other. It has been noticed that people who subject everything to destructive criticism are lonely even in their families. People around them stop telling them anything because they are constantly met with negative assessments. Along with criticism, the interlocutor may feel offended and feel alienated. If you constantly talk about a person’s shortcomings, then his self-esteem becomes negative, he feels inferior and a failure. In such a situation, his feeling of anxiety increases, and people in a state of anxiety and stress make more mistakes. Thus, a vicious circle is obtained. Criticism creates stress, which leads to mistakes. A person who makes a lot of mistakes receives more negative evaluations. Criticism can cause both a loss of courage and increased passivity of the opponent, and lead to an increase in his irritation. People who constantly hear negative words become timid due to fear of criticism. And if the person being criticized becomes angry, the dialogue with him is disrupted. Given the presence of many positive aspects, it is inexplicable to emphasize only his mistakes and negative qualities. Ignoring the positive qualities of the person being criticized causes their number to decrease. In a garden full of beautiful flowers, paying attention to only a few weeds can result in fewer flowers. A person who is constantly criticized may feel unhappy and withdraw into himself. How is positive criticism carried out? When assessing any issue or person, the style we choose is very important. Whether the other party benefits from our criticism depends largely on our intentions, which must be made felt through the language we use and the approach we take to the subject. Our manner and style are very important. We must avoid behaving in a way that antagonizes our opponent. Criticism should remain soft, then it becomes positive and constructive. In this way, we set the stage for the other party to “turn on its antennae” and benefit from our opinion. If our intentions and style are not accepted by the person being criticized, then this leads to him moving away from us, and he stops listening to our words. If the object of our criticism, in our opinion, has shortcomings and negative qualities, then our criticism will be subjective. For objective criticism it is necessary to make an assessment in accordance with criteria and standards. Here we can give the following example: if at the beginning of your speech you use the expressions “in my opinion”, “it seems to me”, “I believe”, then the opposite side may take the comments with hostility. However, if you instead begin your comments with “according to such and such research,” “according to the opinion of certain authorities,” basing your standards on objective sources, then this can be the basis for positive results. Criticism of our superiors or people who share their knowledge and experience with us is considered positive because their expression of their views ensures that the other party receives benefits and positive results. Thanks to such criticism, many improve themselves and try to free themselves from their shortcomings. The presence of such an assessment is even necessary from the point of view of upbringing and education. Even if our criticism is aimed at correcting our opponent’s mistakes, this can lead to the opposite result - that this mistake will take root. Instead of saying what a person is wrong about, we should say what he should be like. If our opponent is accustomed to having his mistakes pointed out to him, then it would be wrong to constantly repeat such criticism. Constantly drawing attention to errors can cause them to become entrenched. Instead, it will be more useful to highlight its positive aspects and only point out its shortcomings. In relationships with children, it is important to emphasize their positive qualities. For example, you asked a question in class. One of the students answered, but incorrectly. In this situation, we must, without pointing out the error, reassure the child by showing the positive aspects of his answer, the grains of knowledge contained in his answer, and only then say that the answer is incorrect. Then the student will not be offended and will not lose courage to answer the next question. Those who work in a team should avoid criticizing their colleagues. A person who criticizes opens the door to counter-criticism and causes slander and slander to escalate, resulting in damage to the spirit of collectivism. People begin to constantly see each other's mistakes, the relationships of brotherhood and community are disrupted. We must proceed from the following: “Criticizing everything, objecting to everything is a blow aimed at destruction. If a person does not like something, he should try to create something better. The result of destruction is ruins, and the result of creation is cities.” Is criticism helpful? Positive criticism is beneficial, while destructive criticism is harmful. Criticism is useful in preventing the continuation of erroneous actions and their proliferation. A person has a need to look at himself in the mirror. Positive criticism plays the role of a mirror in which we see ourselves, our mistakes and correct them. Appropriate criticism is necessary for the proper flow of the process where people work in a team, but destructive criticism in such places causes serious problems. Instead, positive criticism should be carried out. Most of us don't like having our mistakes pointed out. Pointing them out using appropriate language and our agreement with such criticism is necessary from the point of view of personal improvement. In the field of education and upbringing, positive criticism not only provides them with support, but also ensures their contribution to the development of science. Let's be partners with our bosses, our subordinates, and our families. Positive attitudes should dominate our daily lives. We see that people who look at their surroundings from this point of view succeed and are greatly loved by others. Conclusion If those who criticize everything do not treat themselves with the utmost severity, this prevents them from correcting their own mistakes. Those who constantly criticize others must be equally sensitive to their own mistakes. The habit of criticizing can open the door to gossip and slander. Therefore, a person who begins to criticize may, after some time, become the object of gossip and slander. Constructiveness and affirmation of positive aspects were always encouraged. “He who sees beauty thinks beautifully, and he who thinks beautifully enjoys life.” This expression should be our standard. If we base our outlook on life on this, we will not offend anyone and will act constructively. Although it is known that it is easier to spoil than to correct, it is noted that the destructive manner of criticism is spreading in our society. It is difficult to act positively in an environment where negative criticism of opponents provides a person with advantages, and it is easy to find people who applaud this. In order to speak like this, taking into account the state of mind of the opponent, before starting criticism, it is necessary to carefully weigh the pros and cons.

Dr. H. Aydinli, "New Frontiers"

Psychology of communication: what to do and how to perceive criticism?

If negative remarks take you out of your usual rhythm of life for a long time and spoil your mood, you need to learn to benefit from them. As a rule, the first reaction to criticism is the desire to leave, to offend in response. But such behavior tactics will not give a positive result. When emotions fade away, a person worries about his actions and unpleasant words, and looks for ways to reconcile. This psychology leads to the fact that in the end he himself feels guilty.

The ability to take criticism objectively is a useful skill. It helps you adequately evaluate your words and actions, find the right line of behavior and conquer new heights.

Advice from doctors in the field of psychology will help you develop the right attitude towards criticism. Try to look at the conflict from the outside, through the eyes of observers. This will help you understand how fair the comments are. Listen to them to the end, do not interrupt your opponent or argue. You can ask him a clarifying question - it will reduce the tension and help you understand the essence of the criticism.

If you think that the comments are unfounded, you can calmly explain your point of view to your interlocutor. Try not to aggravate the situation or spoil relationships with others. Every person has the right to criticize - this is the psychology of communication.

There is no denying the fact that some people use criticism as a tool for manipulation - this is their psychology. They try to humiliate a person and subjugate him to themselves, lowering self-esteem and killing self-confidence. If you feel that the accusations are not fair enough, you should not take them too seriously.

Use self-defense techniques. Imagine that there is an invisible wall around you that does not allow negativity to pass through. This will help you maintain composure and not succumb to the provocations of others. Human psychology is such that an aggressor, having received a rebuff, moves aside.

If the criticism is fair, listen to it. There is no need to take comments personally - people are unhappy with the words or actions, and not with you as a person. You need to admit your own imperfections and correct shortcomings.

Who is to blame and what to do

Okay, but if your manager is far from this “ideal” and for some reason does not want to delve into the intricacies of communication. In this case, there is only one piece of advice - do not take criticism as something personal, and, if possible, respond to it with actions. After all, negative judgments relate specifically to the work, and not to the employee himself. This is important to understand. And if so, then you need to correct your own work.

Often people do radically opposite things. They begin to get angry, complain to everyone about an unfair manager, or even look for another job. Let's face it, in some cases this may be quite correct. Especially if the boss is a tyrant. But sometimes, to achieve success and get rid of negative emotions, one thing is enough - simply consider the leader’s message and translate his requirements into reality.

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Criticism - psychology

Criticism in psychology is a subject of great interest. Psychology studies the cognitive and emotional effects of criticism. Psychologists are interested in:

1. The intentions that people have for criticism.
2. The impact that criticism has on people.
3. How people react to criticism and how they deal with it.
4. Forms of criticism.
5. Denial of criticism.

For psychologists, criticism is a form of ego defense. They found that people who tended to constantly evaluate others were often criticized during childhood, when it hurt the most. Children under the age of seven see only the second part of the phrase “you are a good boy, but this is bad behavior.” Any criticism, even very mild, means to a child that he is bad and unworthy.

Why are people afraid when they are criticized?

A person’s self-awareness is formed in the process of communicating with other people, taking into account their reactions and opinions. When they begin to criticize a person’s speech or actions or reject everything, the person being criticized is often lost and falls into doubt.

If the critic is an authoritative person whose opinion is very important to the person being criticized, the latter’s sense of self-confidence may suffer. It often takes a person several days to recover from such a “blow.”

Most people react more strongly to criticism than to praise. Even if a person feels that the criticism is unfair, and the critic himself is not an authority for him, the critical remark still remains significant for some time in the person’s consciousness and negatively affects the psyche. This is a great breeding ground for self-doubt.

What is constructive criticism?

There are several questions by answering which a person can assess how positively he criticizes another. You need to ask yourself these questions:

• Are my criticisms fair and appropriate? Maybe I just want to hit the person below the belt.
• Am I criticizing a person, trying to stimulate his activity, support him, give him the opportunity to change? Maybe I just want to throw out aggression, secret envy, bad mood?
• Before I began to criticize, did I try, regardless of the need for criticism, to see positive aspects in the actions and words of the person being criticized?
• Am I willing to help the person I criticize evaluate the criticism positively?

A necessary condition for an objective assessment is a good knowledge of the subject of criticism; for example, only a scientist who has studied the theory of relativity is able to evaluate it and, if necessary, question certain points. You can only criticize a person you know well, and only when his beliefs and motives are known.

There are people who never tire of criticizing others. They tend to look for flaws in everything and evaluate everything negatively. The morbid desire to criticize everyone and everything is not a mental illness, but it is the cause of internal dissatisfaction.

Self-criticism

The basis of the ability to criticize is the ability to self-criticize. Only those who are able to accurately evaluate their own feelings and beliefs will be able to fairly criticize others. Self-criticism is a constant process of self-evaluation. A self-critical person is able to understand and accept the comments of other people and evaluate their legitimacy and compliance with reality.

Why are you being or will be criticized?

They criticize those who are somehow different from the majority of people (the gray herd).

If you intend to achieve something in life, be sure that you will be criticized too, and the greater your achievements (successes) = the more and more you will be criticized...

CONCLUSION: the right to criticism must be earned)) this is one, and be prepared for it in any way, two. Don’t expect people to pat you on the head for your merits/successes, telling you how great you are. This will not happen.

You must understand: the herd (the absolute majority of people) very much dislikes those who differ from them in at least some way. If you are different in any way, they with great pleasure (under the influence of animal instincts) will begin to throw dirt and shit at you... Take my word for it.

Ps yes, I (which I am very happy about) very often throw mud and shit at me