Development of self-worth. How to restore self-esteem in a difficult situation?

Self-acceptance. Self-esteem, Self-approval

Let us now return from this very sublime style to our everyday activities.
Before I give you some exercises that are recommended for increasing your level of self-acceptance (some you are already familiar with; think about which ones), I would like to present to you a list of characteristics that are characteristic of people with high levels of self-acceptance. I borrowed it from I. Atwater’s book “I’m Listening to You,” dedicated to how to properly listen to your interlocutor. True, the author uses a slightly different term - “self-approval” and talks about the “optimal level of self-approval.” Here's what he writes: “The following skills and abilities are characteristic of people with optimal levels of self-approval. Read them carefully and evaluate how well you have self-approval.

1. Loyalty to your principles, despite the opposing opinions of others, combined with sufficient flexibility and the ability to change your opinion if it is wrong.

2. The ability to act on one's own discretion without feeling guilt or regret in the event of disapproval from others.

3. The ability not to waste time worrying excessively about tomorrow and yesterday.

4. The ability to maintain confidence in one’s abilities, despite temporary setbacks and difficulties.

5. The ability to appreciate the personality of each person and the feeling of his usefulness to others, no matter how different he is in the level of his abilities and position.

6. Relative ease in communication, the ability to both defend one’s rightness and agree with the opinions of others.

7. The ability to accept compliments and praise without feigned modesty.

8. Ability to resist.

9. The ability to understand one’s own and others’ feelings, the ability to suppress one’s impulses.

10. The ability to find pleasure in a wide variety of Pregnancy activities, including work, play, socializing with friends, creative expression or recreation.

11. Sensitive attitude to the needs of others, compliance with accepted social norms.

12. The ability to find the good in people, to believe in their integrity, despite their shortcomings.”*

As you can see, the list is quite extensive. But its peculiarity, in my opinion, is that, unlike numerous “moral codes” and calls, it is quite specific. It mostly (with some minor exceptions) describes very specific behaviors and skills that anyone can master if they want to, of course.

And this is my first task to develop self-approval, self-acceptance, self-respect - more simply, self-love. If you succeeded in the mirror exercise or you think that you love yourself anyway, do this exercise anyway, because it will allow you to develop the appropriate “social skills”, in other words, to correctly express this love in order to live a full life yourself and so that others can live better next to you. This is the task.

Analyze your behavior from the point of view of compliance with the “principles of self-approval.” Moreover, behavior in very specific situations. It is best if, over the course of several days in the evenings, you describe two or three episodes from the past day and analyze them according to the criteria given by I. Atwater. Naturally, you will not be able to use all the criteria every time, but try to choose situations so that they are as you like as our bureaucrats say, everyone is “involved.” It’s good if you are working together or three and can ask the other person’s opinion. If you have someone (whether it’s your peer or an adult) whom you trust and who you won’t be offended by, ask his opinion. Your task is to determine the level of proficiency in the listed skills, how to “arrange” them in order - from the one that you are most proficient to the one that you do not possess at all. This is called "ranking". The next stage: you choose two skills - from the beginning and the end of the list and consciously implement them in your daily behavior, every day giving yourself an account of how you are doing. And so on until you feel that you use them almost automatically. Then the next two, etc.

This is quite a long and, of course, somewhat tedious work, but if you want to change the attitude towards yourself, I highly recommend doing it, since it is known that the ways we behave have the same impact on our inner world as it does on them. If If you behave like a person with a high level of self-acceptance, even despite the feeling of your own worthlessness and uselessness, then soon enough you will feel that you really began to love yourself more. I'm not encouraging you to play - I'm suggesting that you actually master these skills, in much the same way as you once learned to walk, then read, then write, climb a rope or solve complex problems. One more task. And also for a long time.

Daily! Make a list of successes that we are already familiar with.

Now ask yourself a question: what makes up our experience of luck and success? Obviously, it arises from the relationship between the result obtained and what we wanted to achieve. According to the well-known formula of the classic psychologist W. James:

Self-esteem = Success/Aspirations.

In other words, self-esteem can be increased either by increasing the level of success or by decreasing aspirations.

When completing a task, remember this formula and, when you compile a list of successes, each time give yourself an account of why you consider this or that result to be your achievement.

Play with the results and claims. Imagine that you want some other achievements - higher or lower. What will be on the list in this case? Make such lists for at least two weeks. Then, when you start to feel bored, make the task more difficult. When compiling a list of today's successes, be sure to find in each what it can give for the future.

And here we move on to another important point related to success, failure and self-love. This phenomenon is called the life scenario. It is best described in the book by E. Berne “Games People Play. People who play games"*. A script is a kind of plan and at the same time a lifestyle that we often implement without thinking or knowing about it. This is a kind of life program that is laid in us from childhood. But what has been said does not mean at all that we cannot understand and change the scenario. For you and me, the scenarios of the winner and the loser, the loser are now important, since they are directly related to the concepts of “success” and “aspirations”. This can best be understood by analyzing your own attitude towards your successes and failures, but not immediate, but delayed, i.e. related to achieving the goal. Our next task is this.

Imagine that you have set and are achieving a goal where there can be success or failure (for example, going to college). Think and write down, choosing one of the possible outcomes, your actions within one to two months. Then do the same with the second outcome.

Now compare your results with this data. A person implementing a “winner” scenario when performing such a task, oddly enough, analyzes what he will do in case of failure. It is this part of the task that he completes in the most detail. For a “loser” it’s the other way around. He describes in detail his actions, or rather, his experiences in case of success and only very briefly, obviously out of necessity, speaks about failure. Another characteristic touch: the “winner” speaks in an affirmative form, using the expressions: “I will”, “I will do”, the “loser” uses indirect statements such as: “Maybe if they helped me...”, “I would have to ...”, “You shouldn’t...”.

Berne provides a lot of evidence that people are often not aware of their life scenarios and they reach their logical end. But scenarios can be changed. He points to three main scenario destroyers: 1) world cataclysms - wars, revolutions; 2) psychotherapeutic and other work specifically aimed at changing the personality and, consequently, its scenario, and, finally, 3) an independent, conscious decision to change one’s scenario.

In the latter case, it is important to first think about the goals of your life. The main, meaning-forming goals. This is a simple question that everyone asks themselves in one form or another, more or less clearly: what do I want to achieve in life?

Self-approval as a personality quality is the ability to approve, positively reinforce one’s behavior, train of thought and reasoning.

I approve of myself. I bought a dog. Bitch. Called her mother-in-law. I train in the yard. The men from the house hang in the windows and are jealous. Mother-in-law, sit down! Mother-in-law, stop! Mother-in-law, ugh! Mother-in-law, voice! Neighbors at the entrance when meeting use the command “Mother-in-law, give me money.” Gives a paw. The wife doesn’t approve, the mother-in-law is far away and doesn’t tell her. He promises to get a male dog and name him Kostya (that’s my name). I think that the only thing holding me back is the thought of Kostya’s inevitable encroachments on Mother-in-law. Family life has become more fun.

Self-approval is positive reinforcement of oneself. A person needs approval not only from his environment, but also from himself. The deep need to be noticed extends not only to seeking approval from other people, but also to a large extent from oneself. Therefore, a self-respecting person tries to behave in such a way as to evoke an approving attitude towards his words and actions.

Positive reinforcement solves the following problems:

— formation of a new behavioral stereotype;

- strengthening an existing desired behavior pattern;

— weakening of an undesirable behavior pattern;

- maintaining a desired behavior pattern in natural conditions. Usually, in practice, at least two tasks are solved (second and fourth or third and fourth), but more often work with the patient is aimed at implementing the second, third and fourth tasks.

Let's take one of Pryor's many examples of the power of positive self-reinforcement. A passionate fan of squash (something like tennis) decided to test the effectiveness of self-reward for good shots. At first, he said, I felt like a terrible fool, saying with each successful blow: “Okay, Pete, well done.” But then my game started to improve. I defeat those whom I couldn’t even win a point before. And I have a lot more fun. I don't yell at myself all the time, I don't get angry or upset. If the shot doesn't work, it's okay, the next ones will be good. Now I just find it funny when someone else makes a mistake, gets mad, and throws his racket. I know this won't improve his game.

Self-approval is appreciation of oneself for the manifestation of virtues. That is, a person shows high refinement of feelings, sublime thinking and heartfelt goodwill for the benefit he himself has shown. He who has known the approval of his own heart knows how much stronger it is than all praise and compliments.

A person with pure consciousness maintains an inextricable connection with conscience - the representation of God in every person. Receiving approval from one's own conscience is the highest form of self-approval of a person.

Self-approval does not in any way detract from the role of a spiritual mentor. Brian Tracy in the article “Self-Esteem” writes: “You can never truly like yourself until you fully approve of yourself, until you agree with your strengths and weaknesses. And the key to self-approval is to be unconditionally approved by at least one other person whom you respect and admire and, moreover, whom you love. Only when someone else accepts you “unvarnished and completely” can you relax and accept yourself as a significant and worthwhile person.”

Self-approval does not prevent a person from being self-critical; it does not come down to putting blinders on his eyes so as not to see his own vices.

The American psychologist I. Atwater identified a number of psychological attitudes and personality traits, the self-formation of which, in his opinion, raises the level of self-approval, contributes to the vital stability of the individual, as it supports his ability to hold the initiative and turn emerging situations in his favor. Here are these settings and qualities:

— Loyalty to one’s principles, despite the opposing opinions of others, combined with sufficient flexibility and the ability to change one’s opinion if it is wrong.

- The ability to act on one's own discretion without feeling guilt or regret in the event of disapproval from others.

- The ability not to waste time worrying excessively about tomorrow and yesterday.

— The ability to maintain confidence in one’s abilities, despite temporary setbacks and difficulties.

-The ability to appreciate the personality of each person and the feeling of his usefulness to others, no matter how different he is in the level of his abilities and position.

— Relative ease in communication, the ability to both defend one’s rightness and agree with the opinions of others.

— The ability to accept compliments and praise without feigned modesty.

- Ability to resist.

— The ability to understand one’s own and others’ feelings, the ability to suppress one’s impulses.

- The ability to find pleasure in a wide variety of activities, including work, play, socializing with friends, creative expression, or recreation. Sensitive attitude to the needs of others, compliance with accepted social norms.

— The ability to find the good in people, to believe in their integrity, despite their shortcomings.

To achieve success in all areas of life, a person needs sufficient confidence in himself and his capabilities. Low self-esteem is a barrier that prevents you from becoming happy, because a person is filled with doubts and is not able to fully enjoy life and feel happy. Think about it - while you are not confident in your abilities, the best moments pass you by and, of course, someone else will take advantage of them. Let's think about how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence. Psychologists have developed special techniques and ways to increase self-esteem.

What causes disappointment?

Frustration occurs when the results (goals) you expect do not match the efforts and actions you put in. Frustration can also occur when your actions bring less results than you expected.

The frustration we experience can be seen as the result of two types of goal blocking: internal and external sources of frustration.

• Internal sources of frustration usually include disappointment that occurs when we cannot get what we want as a result of personal real or imagined shortcomings, such as a lack of confidence or fear of social situations.

Another type of internal frustration occurs when a person has competing goals that interfere with each other.

• The second type of frustration arises from external causes , which include external conditions - the physical obstacles we encounter in life: other people and things that interfere with our goals.

One of the biggest sources of frustration in the modern world is the feeling of wasting time. You're standing in line or in traffic, listening to someone on the phone, watching the day go by when you have so much to do. This is a big disappointment.

Often we can try to fix something. For example, finding another route if we are stuck in traffic, or choosing another restaurant if the first one we chose is closed. But sometimes we just can't do anything about it. That's just how life is.

The wisdom of dealing with external sources of disappointment is: “God, give me the serenity to accept what I cannot change; the courage to change what I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

You can understand that although the situation itself may be unpleasant and disappointing, you do not need to be upset. Accepting life is one of the secrets to avoiding disappointment.

What is self-esteem

Psychologists interpret this term as follows: a person’s understanding of his own importance, an objective assessment of individual qualities, advantages and disadvantages. According to psychologists, this is precisely the successful socialization of a person, his ability to make decisions in different areas.

Self-Esteem Functions

• protection – a person’s autonomy from public opinion gives a sense of stability and self-confidence;
• regulation – a person makes decisions and choices more easily;
• development – ​​a person receives an incentive for self-development and self-improvement.

Ideal self-esteem is based solely on a person’s individual opinion of himself. But in reality, it is influenced by many factors - the opinions of parents, friends, peers and colleagues. That is why psychologists use the concept of “Adequate self-esteem” - the most objective assessment of one’s own abilities and skills.

Consequences of inadequate self-esteem

• constant doubts;
• excessive introspection;
• conscious refusal to achieve goals.

However, it should be understood that inflated self-esteem inevitably leads to hasty actions and many mistakes. The specialist’s task is to explain to a person how to lower self-esteem without compromising the quality of his life.

It is important! Psychologists often have to work with people with low self-esteem. In this case, the specialist helps the person to love himself and reveal his own potential, and in difficult situations, to get rid of the inferiority complex.

What is frustration?

Frustration is an emotion that occurs in situations where a person fails to achieve the desired result.

Whenever we achieve some goals, we feel satisfied, and whenever something interferes with our achievement, we can succumb to disappointment, irritation and anger.

Typically, the more important the goal, the greater the frustration and resulting anger or loss of self-confidence.

Frustration is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be a good indicator of problems in a person's life and, as a result, can act as a motivator for change.

However, when it leads to anger, irritability, stress, resentment or depression, frustration can be devastating.

Reasons for low self-esteem

It is difficult even for a specialist to determine all the criteria that influence the formation of self-perception. Psychologists distinguish innate factors, external factors and a person’s position in society. There are four most common causes of low self-esteem.

Peculiarities of upbringing in the family.

The statement “all problems come from childhood” is the most common reason for low self-perception. In childhood, there is a direct dependence of the child’s self-esteem on the principles of upbringing and the attitude of the parents towards the child.

It is important! If you constantly compare a child with his peers and point out mistakes, he will grow up unsure of himself. For a child, a family is the Universe where character traits are formed.

Failures in childhood.

If a child constantly experiences feelings of guilt in childhood, in the future this will turn into self-doubt and reluctance to make decisions on their own.

It is important! It is important to tell your child how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence and teach him how to react correctly to failures, so that the child does not give up, but moves on.

Inappropriate environment.

It is possible to form an adequate assessment only in an environment where success and achievements are sincerely valued. If a person finds himself in a passive environment where there is no initiative, he becomes the same. Low self-esteem and self-doubt characterize people in such a society.

Appearance and health status.

To a greater extent, low self-esteem is formed in children and adolescents with non-standard appearance and congenital pathologies. As a rule, the people around you are quite tough and straightforward in their judgments. First of all, overweight children need help. They need to be told how to love themselves and increase their self-esteem. A woman's self-esteem depends more strongly on her appearance.

Effective methods to increase self-esteem

The first step to building self-confidence is recognizing the problem. Here are some of the most effective techniques that will tell you how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence.

Change of environment.

Refuse to communicate with people who are negative and constantly dissatisfied with something. Strive for successful individuals who are confident and have a positive attitude. Communication with such people will gradually restore a person’s confidence and self-esteem.

No self-flagellation.

If you constantly beat yourself up for mistakes and failures, you are unlikely to improve your self-perception. Do not use negative assessments in relation to your own life, appearance, career, finances.

Avoid comparisons.

Understand that you are the only person and there is no other person like you in the world. See yourself as a unique and unrepeatable person, even with flaws.

It is important! The only acceptable comparison is with a person who is more successful, based on his achievements.

Affirmations to increase self-perception.

Affirmations are short motivating formulas aimed at building self-confidence. It is better to repeat them in the morning and before bed. You can create a playlist with such affirmations.

Do unusual things.

It is much easier to hide from a problem with a glass of wine, desserts or tears. Try to face the challenge and see who wins.

Attend a training session on how to boost your confidence.

If it is not possible to attend the training, use specialized psychological literature or documentaries and feature films.

Play sports.

This is the best way to increase self-esteem. Regular training allows you to evaluate your appearance less critically. In addition, during physical activity, hormones of happiness and good mood are produced.

Keep a diary of achievements.

Record personal successes and achievements in your diary. Be sure to record every success, no matter how small from your point of view. Set a goal to write down 3-5 small accomplishments. Low self-esteem in men is especially dependent on low self-realization

How to love yourself - practical recommendations

There are a number of general recommendations:

• Use a written forgiveness technique. In one note, describe your own failures and mistakes, and in the second, console yourself and try to forgive yourself.
• Use meditation. Don't underestimate the technique of meditation. With its help you can relax and absorb positive energy. Many meditation techniques are described in the specialized literature.

But the factors influencing self-esteem among representatives of the stronger and weaker sex are different. The ways of dealing with inadequate self-esteem in men and women also differ.

How to increase a woman's self-esteem

For a woman’s self-perception, the most important thing is her attractiveness and attention from men. Also an important criterion is the attitude of other people in general.

The tendency for girls to see themselves as more introspective and sensitive is supported by other data, such as comparing the diaries of boys and girls. Not to mention the fact that girls start keeping diaries earlier and do it much more often and systematically than boys, girls’ diaries are more intimate. This, as a rule, is a description and analysis of one’s own feelings and experiences, especially love ones, a continuous conversation with oneself and about oneself. Youth diaries are more diverse and substantive, they more widely reflect the intellectual hobbies and interests of the authors, their practical activities; emotional experiences are described by young men more sparingly and restrainedly.

Retrospective descriptions of the “difficult age” by boys and girls also differ significantly. Youthful self-descriptions are more dynamic, the emphasis in them is on the emergence of new interests, activities, etc. Girls' self-descriptions are more subjective and speak mainly about the feelings they experience, often negative.

However, the self-awareness and self-esteem of boys and girls are highly dependent on stereotypical ideas about what men and women should be, and these stereotypes, in turn, are derived from the historical differentiation of gender roles. Without taking into account social conditions, gender differences in behavior and self-awareness cannot be understood.

In self-report studies and tests, women tend to appear more anxious and fearful than men. At the same time, objective (using GSR) measurement of emotional reactions in stressful situations shows that gender differences in these cases are small. Comparing these facts with the fact that the traditional male role forbids a boy to experience fear, psychologists suggest that boys simply suppress or hide some of their feelings and experiences that do not correspond to the ideal of “masculinity,” while girls talk about them openly (it is not for nothing that boys have higher rates on the control scales of “lies” and “psychological defense”). Therefore, although girls consider themselves more anxious than boys (this in itself is significant - after all, it is by suppressing fear, expelling it from his consciousness, that a young man becomes brave), the objective picture is unclear.

It is even more difficult to make broad generalizations about the activity levels, competitiveness, dominance, and obedience of boys and girls. Many psychologists believe that the first three qualities are more characteristic of boys, and the fourth - girls. However, a lot here depends on age, the content of activity, parenting style, etc. Passivity and dependence, which were previously considered biological properties of a woman, are not universal and correlate not so much with biology, but with the corresponding system of social gender roles. Nevertheless, some gender characteristics of self-awareness are very stable and are found in different socio-cultural environments. Thus, boys at all ages tend to consider themselves stronger, more energetic, more powerful and more efficient than girls. At the same time, teenage boys often overestimate their abilities and their position among their peers, do not like to admit their weaknesses and do not listen enough to information that contradicts their inflated self-esteem. Girls are more self-critical and sensitive. Such a defense mechanism (by ignoring information that contradicts his self-image, the young man protects his self-esteem) seems irrational, but to some extent it contributes to the formation of an internal attitude towards independence. “Breaking through” this line of defense, convincing the high school student that he overestimates himself in some way, the teacher should under no circumstances undermine the youth’s system of self-esteem, as this would make the student defenseless and dependent. It is characteristic that boys, unlike girls, pretend to be indifferent to the reactions of others, at the same time they boast much more, “pretend” something, and show off for the sake of external effect. This property, which intensifies from childhood to adolescence, is observed in boys in various cultural environments.

One of the most important differential psychological characteristics of a personality is its self-esteem, that is, the generalized attitude of the individual towards himself. High self-esteem means that a person “accepts”, respects himself, has a positive attitude towards himself; low self-esteem means acute dissatisfaction with oneself, contempt for oneself, and a negative assessment of one’s own personality.

Self-esteem is a very stable and important trait, closely related to other personality traits. People with high self-esteem are usually more independent and less susceptible to suggestion; lower self-esteem often correlates with conformity. There is evidence of a connection between a person’s self-esteem and his attitude towards other people: a person who has a positive attitude towards himself usually “accepts” those around him, while a negative attitude towards himself correlates with a hostile and distrustful attitude towards other people.

gender differences – previous | the next one is low self-esteem

Table of contents. Con. I.S. Psychology of adolescence.

Consultation with a psychologist for children, adolescents and adults.