12 reasons why you push people away without realizing it

Public opinion is not the ultimate truth
Influence of friends
How to get rid of social influence in the end?

Recently, NLP, manipulation and psychological influence have become increasingly popular topics in search engines, trainings and classes. Each person becomes an object that other people try to influence. Each person soon becomes someone who wants to influence those around him in order to get what he wants from them. There is no need to say that people’s influence on each other is bad, since the men’s site masculino.ru highlights the most important desire of any person - to ensure well-being in his life.

You can't blame anyone for just wanting to be happy. And since the human world is structured in such a way that some benefits and resources cannot be achieved without contacts and relationships with other people, each person has to learn the art of influence. Moreover, manipulations begin from childhood. A child, for example, screams and becomes hysterical in order to force his parents to change their decision to one that is beneficial to him.

Increasingly, people have a negative attitude towards manipulation towards them only when they are trying to influence them. If the person himself manipulates, then he does not see anything wrong in his behavior. Recently, the issue of public opinion, which puts pressure on every individual, has become relevant. Since childhood, it puts pressure first on parents, who are forced to behave in a certain way with the child, and then on the child himself, who comes into contact with others and begins to understand that something is constantly required of him; those around him are indignant and criticize him if he does not comply. and does not submit to their opinion.

Public opinion becomes especially important for the stronger sex, which takes an active social position. All guys have friends, acquaintances, useful connections. All this also applies to society, which puts forward its demands on the guy who must meet them.

Since it is not always easy to obey everything that society says, and sometimes the demands are such that one does not want to follow them, the guy has a question about how he can resist public opinion. It's actually quite easy.

Degree of attachment

Conditional affection between friends

Household. A person gets used to a certain standard of living, its conditions and comfort.
Conditional. Attachment to an object, manifested by the desire to receive emotional impressions, positivity and joy.
Painful, rigid, neurotic attachment is when the thought that the object of dependence may disappear from your life leads to severe pain and terrible fear.
Obsessive. A person completely forgets about himself, his needs, and is completely dependent on subordinating the will of another individual.

Causes

The reason may lie in childhood, when parents showed excessive overprotection or increased control

The child can fill all of his mother’s free time and requires her obedience. When he grows up, he resorts to frequent manipulations. The mother becomes dependent on the child. A grown-up baby will not be able to give, he will only be ready to receive.
A child who has not developed willpower and personal qualities sees the meaning of his life in attachment to someone self-sufficient.
Having low self-esteem.
The formation of children's complexes, which lead to the development of false fears and dependence on them.
People whose childhood was characterized by parental overprotection or strong control. The baby was not allowed to make his own mistakes, there was no opportunity to make independent decisions.
The presence of more criticism in a child's life, no praise from parents.
Disrespectful attitude of mom and dad towards their baby.
The desire to meet someone's expectations, the desire to become better, to become ideal for someone.
The opinion that love is an obligation to divide everything in half, after some time is replaced by the absorption of the partner’s needs, the inability to evaluate one’s own needs.
The desire to be part of the life of another purposeful, independent person.
The desire to be subordinate to someone powerful, authoritarian, a person reminiscent of the parent who kept him under control in childhood.

Signs

The opinion of the object of addiction is more important than your own - the first sign of psychological dependence

Dependence on another person is manifested by the presence of a number of characteristic signs.

All thoughts are directed towards the desire to meet the object of desire. A person thinks to the detriment of his own opinion, his own interests, and lives for the sake of others.
Dramatic changes occur in behavior, as well as a person’s worldview. Mood swings, even depression, may occur. Even small contacts with the object of affection cause an outburst of an emotional nature; a prolonged absence of meetings leads to severe despondency.
After a certain time, there is a loss of personal boundaries. Chronic stress may develop due to the accumulation of pain, suffering and anxiety. Positive emotions from meetings gradually fade away, and the need for total control arises.
There is a strong desire to be close to the object of addiction, which often leads to rejection on his part.
There is an increase in tension and increased anxiety, and panic attacks may occur. Depending on how severe the symptoms are, the depth of the mental disorder will be determined.
Physiological abnormalities occur. A person experiences dizziness, sleep deteriorates, the heart works intermittently, chronic diseases worsen, and neurological symptoms occur.
A person becomes unable to make ordinary decisions, cannot make a choice without knowing what the object of addiction thinks about this.
Unable to independently set goals and achieve them. There is infantilism, a desire to follow other people's instructions.
Believes that relationships with mental suffering are natural.

A person with addiction is unable to live an ordinary life; he is absolutely dependent on the opinions and instructions of the object of his adoration. Personality is completely lost, a person degrades and cannot develop.

Fighting methods

A passion must appear that will displace all thoughts about the object of addiction

It is necessary to sensibly evaluate the object of adoration for its advantages and disadvantages. To do this, you need to take off your rose-colored glasses and write down all the negative traits on a piece of paper, realizing their negative impact on your life. At the initial stage it will seem to you that it is ideal. Then you will find shortcomings, but they will seem insignificant. Over time, the realization will come that a person is far from ideal, it is you who endowed him with such positive qualities.
Destroy everything that reminds you of the object of addiction, photographs, gifts, personal belongings.
End all relationships with mutual friends. You will have a desire to find out the latest news from the life of the object of addiction; attachment will not go away.
To make it easier to push thoughts about the object of addiction out of your head, you need to devote all your free time to some kind of activity. You can join a sports section, do handicrafts, meet with friends - do anything to keep yourself busy with something else.
If the addiction is caused by lack of confidence in your abilities, low self-esteem, go to a stylist, change your image, get a new hairstyle, and if necessary, start going to the gym. You will begin to transform and see how other people pay attention to you, and the opportunity to make new acquaintances will appear. You will realize that you deserve better. In addition to appearance, you can engage in self-development, enroll in specialized courses, for example, in learning a foreign language. You will begin to enjoy your successes and will no longer be so attached to the object of addiction.
It is important to choose the right motivation; it is desirable that there is a need to perform tasks that increase self-esteem and bring positivity to life. In this case, it is better that the time to achieve your goals does not take much time. For example, you can plan to purchase a car or travel.

Alternative view

Mark and Angela Chernov are the authors of the book “1000 Little Things Happy and Successful People Do Differently.” They have been coaching for over 10 years, helping people regain their self-confidence.

Here's what Mark says:

—

“In our work, Angela and I see hundreds of clients every month. This has helped us recognize dozens of toxic behaviors that drive people away from each other.

We have seen the disastrous consequences of this - on relationships, on personal and professional growth, and on the overall well-being of both the person behaving negatively and the other people in their life.

Let's be honest with ourselves: we've all behaved in a toxic way at some point. None of us are immune to toxic mood swings, but many people have simply learned to keep such impulses under control.”

Here are the 12 most common types of toxic behavior:

1. Envy of everyone around
Promotional video:
Do not give in to envy (or jealousy). There is nothing attractive or desirable about her.

Stop comparing your life path to someone else's. Your path is your path, not a competition. You are competing with only one person: yourself.

If you want to measure your success, compare yourself to who you used to be.

2. Excessive touchiness

No one wants to be around a person who perceives everything that happens as a direct attack on their loved one. In fact, most of what other people say and do is about them, not about you.

How others react to you says much more about their point of view and experience. If they admire you or, on the contrary, are horrified, this is mainly the result of their own feelings, and not of your actions.

I'm not saying you have to be a narcissist who ignores everyone around you. But you shouldn’t take everything so personally that you get offended, upset or disappointed all the time.

3. The role of the victim

Constantly whining and portraying yourself as a victim is also toxic behavior. If you see yourself as a powerless victim who has no control over your life, you will become stuck.

In my work, I have met many people who have experienced serious trauma, but have found the strength to turn everything around in their favor. Each of us can find the strength to influence our circumstances.

The main thing is to stop complaining and presenting yourself as a helpless victim!

4. Pain retention

One of the hardest lessons in life is learning to let go of guilt, anger, love or loss. Change is always difficult: we fight to hold on and we fight to let go.

But it often happens that letting go is the best option. This frees us from toxic thoughts from the past.

You must emotionally release the things that once mattered to you in order to move forward and leave the pain behind.

5. Focusing on the negative

It is very difficult to communicate with people who refuse to get rid of negativity and constantly talk about past and future horrors, injustices and suffering.

Such people stubbornly refuse to see the positive sides of life and learn useful lessons from what is happening. Pessimism is one thing, but a constant stream of negativity is quite another.

Seeing only the bad in everything is a perversion from which it is quite possible to recover.

6. Lack of emotional self-control

The inability to manage your emotions is toxic to everyone around you. We all know those people who burst into tears over the slightest problem.

They yell at a salesman because of a long line, scold a subordinate for a minor mistake, punish a daughter for spilling juice on the floor...

If you are unable to control your emotions and constantly lose your temper, you should seek professional help to understand the reason for this behavior. An outside perspective can be very valuable!

7. Superficial judgments

Don't judge a person just by what they show you. Remember: you only see what he wanted to show you, or was forced to show because of his inner pain and stress.

Unfortunately, when someone makes you suffer, it usually means they themselves are suffering. Their suffering simply overflows.

They do not need punishment and ridicule, but help. If you can't help them, leave them alone.

8. Cruelty (or lack of compassion)

One of the most toxic behaviors, cruelty, is caused by a complete lack of empathy, care, and compassion for others. We see this every day on the Internet and in the media - people hurt and insult others just because they can.

Using anonymity as a shield, they humiliate strangers for their own pleasure. But cruelty and insults also harm the offender himself.

If you suddenly notice this behavior, stop immediately! Find compassion within yourself and understand that we are all human.

9. Deception and immorality

Cheating is a conscious decision, not a mistake or an excuse. If you decide to deceive someone and you succeed, do not think that this person is stupid.

He just trusted you more than you deserved. Don't stoop to this!

Don't act immorally just because you have the opportunity. Be honest with yourself and others. Do the right thing.

10. Hiding your identity

People won't be able to connect with you if you constantly hide from yourself. Especially if you get used to your false facade and grow into it.

So remember: no matter your age, race, gender or sexuality, inside you are a pure, beautiful being, just like the rest of us. Each of us shines with our own light and fulfills our own missions.

Be happy that you are different from others! Be yourself - don't hide!

11. Constant need for confirmation

People who constantly need to prove themselves at the expense of others get tired very quickly. These people, who are obsessed with their value and strive to win everyone's favor, end up being extremely toxic without realizing it.

If you place too much importance on how you appear in the eyes of others, it will bore you and drive others away from you. Your life is not just about how you look in other people's eyes!

Life is a journey, a process, a path. By going through it, you learn and help others learn.

12. Stubborn perfectionism

We all often strive for some hypothetical static perfection. We dream of finding the perfect home, the perfect job, the perfect lover...

But the problem is that static perfection does not exist. After all, life is a continuous journey that is constantly evolving and changing.

What seems ideal to us today will no longer be so tomorrow. An ideal house will become imperfect.

But if you tune in correctly, it will still be comfortable. After all, the ideal does not exist, and chasing it is a waste of time!

You just need to say goodbye to excessive perfectionism!

Nikita Skorobogatov

Adviсe

It is important to recognize that you are dependent on another person.

First of all, an addicted person must realize his problem. It is important that he has the desire to fight it.
It is necessary to determine the factors that influenced the development of such a disorder. In some cases, people are able to figure them out on their own and overcome them. For example, a strong dependence on the opinion of parents is fueled by their overprotectiveness, while dependence on friends is fueled by low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.
It is important to learn to correctly perceive the world around you. A person must understand that there is serious work to be done on his personality and regular self-development.
It is necessary to reassess your worldview and stop idealizing the object of your addiction. It is also important to overcome perfectionist tendencies if there is a desire to be perfect. It is extremely important to eliminate stereotypical thinking and think about personal needs.
Refuse manipulation; you don’t need to get what you want from others this way.
Realize that you need to make plans for the future. At the same time, focus on yourself, and not on someone else.
There is no need to hide your true feelings and emotions. People who really care about you will always understand. As for the object of addiction, if he begins to show indifference, it means that he has no place in your life.
Draw the line of personal space, identify it with loved ones. Do not intrude into it to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings.
Expand your social circle. New relationships and acquaintances will not only allow you to take your mind off your obsession, but also accelerate personal growth.
Feel the balance between your surroundings and your inner world.

Influence of friends

Guys often feel like they need to protect themselves from society, the entire state. In fact, the greatest influence on them is from those close to them, which include their friends, relatives and girlfriends. Society can only slightly influence a guy, which is different from the manipulation and pressure that is put on him by friends, his girlfriend or parents.

Since at a young age guys no longer obey their parents, their friends with whom they often see and communicate have a particularly significant influence. And here I would like to remember the sayings “Whoever you get along with, you will gain from” and “Tell me who your friend is, and I will tell you who you are,” because they are true.

Everyone should have friends. A person is taught this rule from childhood, so that he is guided by it not only in his youth, but also in adulthood. But few people think about what friendship is. Why, despite strength and devotion, do many friendly alliances fall apart? Just like love, most people simply don't understand the true meaning of friendship.

Everyone was taught to be friendly and strive to make as wide a circle of acquaintances as possible. The fewer people included in this circle, the less confident a person feels. Self-esteem falls only because several people (often 1-3 individuals) want or are truly friends with him, while the rest pretend or betray him. With his views, a person creates problems that should not exist at all. It all starts with him misunderstanding the meaning of friendship.

Who are friends in the modern sense of the word? Friends have a certain unspoken code, the implementation of which is mandatory for everyone. However, there are some privileges that they can enjoy just because they are called friends. You need to listen to them, pay attention that a person could spend on themselves, and also help, even if there is an understanding that they can cope on their own. As you can see, friendship has turned into something more than just a commonality of interests between people. It became work and duty. If you do not fulfill the commandments, then you become unworthy of them.

These rules, laws and moral dogmas were invented by people to regulate relationships within the team, convenient for all participants. Since man is by nature a selfish being, he often bases his rules on some benefit that his so-called friends may receive. For example, they helped you - now you must help, otherwise they will be excluded from the circle of friends. What if you were helped when you did not give your consent? Or did they help and, on the contrary, worsen your situation? Such cases are not provided for in the code. If you decide to get rid of friends who arbitrarily decide what to do and how to live, you will be considered a traitor.

This is the friendship of a modern person. As in love, people have come up with many rules and laws so that an individual, having fallen into a trap, cannot get out of it without suffering humiliation, without experiencing feelings of guilt, betrayal and without going through self-humiliation.

Modern society does not understand the true meaning of friendship, which is why even in a friendly union, dramatic battles and emotional disasters occur. Why are friends needed? To have someone to have a good and fun time with, not to be lonely, and also to have someone to ask for help. But the true meaning of friendship does not involve any obligations. For example, modern “friends” should see each other at least once or twice a week, while true ones can see each other every six months or a year, without experiencing any discomfort.

True friends are just acquaintances. They can turn to each other, talk or spend time. These are people you know, and no one owes anyone anything. There are various types of mutual assistance between them, but they are carried out at the request of the people themselves, and not because they call each other friends. These are free people who do not depend on any rules, norms or beliefs. They may or may not see each other, but consider each other friends. Friendship is the union of two independent people who communicate with each other because they themselves want to, and not because they are fulfilling a duty. In such a union, development, mutual assistance and true understanding are possible.

As you can see, what is invented by society does not guarantee that people will be surrounded by true friends. So, why waste time on imaginary friendship, as well as on various laws and codes that only limit freedom, pushing for a negative attitude towards all participants in such an alliance?

Precautionary measures

Enjoy the world that surrounds you. Maximum positive emotions every day

If a person knows about his tendency to develop attachment or realizes that he has low self-esteem, then it is necessary to follow a number of actions that will help prevent the development of psychological dependence on people.

Enjoy everything that surrounds you, enjoy the sun outside the window, the smile of a passerby, the flood of pets, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. You must see the positive in everything, even where, at first glance, there is none.
Every morning should start with a smile on your face. You have to program yourself to expect a good day.
Be glad that you have family, friends, and colleagues near you. Understand that other people may not have this.
Your conversational speech should always contain phrases like “everything is for the better”, “it’s good that this happened”, and not negative exclamations.
Increase your level of independence, write down your daily routine, stick to it. Try to finish what you start. Be sure to reward yourself for your achievements. Always engage in self-development, learn new things, gain skills, learn to control your emotions.

Now you know what psychological and physical dependence on a person can be. It is important to understand that people must remember their needs, their autonomy and independence. You don’t need to obey someone’s desires and think about someone more than yourself. In addition, it is necessary to understand that often the object of addiction does not even notice this desire.

How to get rid of the negative influence of your environment on your life

How would you answer if you were asked the following question: “What has most influenced your life and shaped you as a person?” Most likely you would refer to your environment and way of thinking.

Earl Shoaff, my mentor, had a very important caution when he said, “The power of influence cannot be underestimated. The influence of the people around us is very strong! Often we don’t even realize it, because this process stretches out over time.”

The influence of the environment on us is especially strong because this influence is invisible. Are there people around you who are used to quickly wasting everything they earn? The likelihood that you will also acquire a similar habit reaches almost 100%.

Do people around you spend little time reading? The likelihood that you will follow their example is also very high.

This happens almost unnoticeably. Our environment gradually forces us to turn away from our chosen path in life. We come to our senses only when the question arises in our heads: “How did I end up living like this?”

4 ways to not care about other people's judgments

If you want your life to unfold according to your own plan, you need to conduct a thorough analysis of your environment.

I'd like to share something with you and talk about three important questions you should ask yourself. The answers will help you better understand and discern your surroundings.

3 questions about your environment

1. What kind of people surround me?

Pay attention to the people you interact with most often. Analyze how each of these people influences you.

2. How does interacting with these people affect me?

This is the main question you need to find an answer to. To do this, ask yourself a number of other questions. For example:

“How did interacting with these people affect my actions/thoughts?”
“Did interacting with these people cause me to stray from my path in life?”
“How did interacting with these people influence my literary/musical tastes?”
“How did interacting with these people affect my feelings?”
“How did my interactions with these people affect my interactions with others?”

In short, you must carefully analyze the influence of others, taking into account both negative and positive aspects.

3. Does this communication benefit me?

Maybe absolutely everyone you interact with influences you in a positive way. And, everything may be, everything is not so perfect. Every barrel of honey has a fly in the ointment. I just advise you to take a closer look at the people who surround you and give them an objective assessment. Remember that everything in this life matters. Everything leads to certain consequences.

Yes, we can allow one influence or another to determine the course of our lives. We can allow our surroundings to determine the path we take through life. We can give in to pressure and allow ourselves to go with the flow. It couldn’t be easier to do this, but... The main question we must ask ourselves is: “Will this allow us to become who we want?”

Sometimes the people we care about most are the most fickle

So, let's get to the main thing...

3 ways to get rid of relationships that are stopping you from growing

1. Stop communicating/relationships with those people who have a negative impact on your life.

This is a difficult decision, but there is no other way. Sometimes this is the only correct, one might say simply necessary, way out. You will have to protect yourself from the negative influence of some people in your environment.

2. Set a strict time limit.

Spend as much time as possible with those who can change your life for the better. Spend as little time as possible with those who have virtually no influence on you or your life in general. Yes, it is much easier to do everything the other way around. Don't fall into this trap. Our life is too short. Wouldn't it be logical to spend time usefully?

3. Meet new people.

I advise you to pay special attention to this method. Meet successful people you'd like to hang out with. Ask them about how they were able to achieve their goals.

This is not just about financial success. Success is a multifaceted concept. You might be interested in talking to someone who has achieved success in their personal life, such as maintaining a happy marriage for many years. You can connect with someone who has achieved success as a parent, spiritual mentor, or health guru.

In a word, we are talking about communication with a specific purpose. By surrounding yourself with such people, you expand your social circle. The influence that your surroundings have on you takes on new shades.

Final thoughts

Once you become successful at something, you will attract success to those around you. Success breeds success. Even the smallest upward movement in any activity will affect those with whom you communicate. You will see that these people, like you, have become a little more successful. Their success, in turn, makes you even better! This is one of the most wonderful side effects of success.

You should be surrounded by people who will always tell you the truth. Even the bitter truth is beneficial. We can use it to become stronger. But communicating with people who tell us exclusively what we want to hear is not beneficial. The main condition for personal and professional growth is the ability to see the big picture.

Choose carefully who you allow to influence your life. Surround yourself with people from whom you can learn the necessary experience and knowledge. Your social circle should not hinder your development, but, on the contrary, promote it. Remember this.

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