There is one slippery topic that has already been indirectly touched upon in various articles, avoiding voicing it directly. Today I decided to approach her carefully. I’ll start, as always, a little from afar. Yes, if anyone does not understand, I remind you that on this blog I do not write sacred scriptures about the truth, but express my personal opinion.
Once in childhood, gaining relative consciousness, we find ourselves in this space without coordinates in the chaos of what is happening. And we notice the towering figures of adults nearby. From them we get information about how to live. We take this information on faith, without understanding it, because we still don’t know how to understand it at that early age. The world seems incomprehensibly mysterious, almost magical, so you just have to believe in its laws. All its rules are perceived by default, like sacred rituals of initiation into the truth, from which one “cannot” deviate. We never fully know why we “cannot”, but we learn to feel ashamed, guilty—bad and undeserving of the love of godlike, “omnipotent” adults—for violating this global prohibition (on objectionable behavior). We learn to believe what is right, good, and what is false and bad. This is how the deep motives of emotions are formed - from blind, convinced knowledge of what life should be like.
As a result, almost all of our behavior is dictated by the whip of conscience (that is, fear of humiliation) and the carrot of pride (evidence of our right to love). Hence the whole torment about one’s own (un)importance and (lack of) self-confidence.
The psyche is multi-layered. The superficial layers are the same ones where we now, with our “adult” minds, begin to “understand everything,” but sometimes we cannot do anything. Because in the depths of the soul, childhood beliefs have already been sown, growing to today’s abode of the mind in the form of vague feelings. They can go against reality for a long time, and at the same time, due to their rootedness, they influence the mind and demand their own, much sharper and more persistent than current, adult views.
As a result, reason and logic, with all their productivity, sometimes helplessly capitulate when children's emotions are absorbed. No matter how rationally a person approaches planning his “correct” life, if these plans run counter to his emotions and feelings, counting on their fulfillment will be arrogant naivety.
This is exactly how internal conflicts happen, where the deep within us competes with the superficial. A recent article on psychoanalysis was devoted to this topic on progressman.ru.
These spontaneous automatic stimuli from the past give rise in the present to that same neurotic behavior, which takes into account not the real situation, but subjective, sometimes frankly childish requirements for life.
This is where all the “musts” and “shoulds” come from. The mind is left to wriggle out, attributing responsibility for its own irrational claims to abstract morality - they say, “it’s not me who is whimsical, but, in general, it’s “necessary” and “correct.”
What is happiness
“In a certain sense, what we call happiness occurs as a result of the previously unforeseen satisfaction of needs that have been suppressed for a long time,” Sigmund Freud.
Philosophy and ethics study happiness. In psychology, this issue was addressed only in 1974. Psychology rather studies the influence of personality on the achievement of happiness and the influence of happiness on the health of the individual. That is, as always, the question is at the intersection of sciences and is woven into different spheres of man, which immediately shows the ambiguity of this phenomenon. Psychology views happiness as a state, ethics as a moral category (value), philosophy as a way of thinking.
In the modern understanding, the state of happiness within the framework of psychology is on the same level with the search for the meaning of life and personal development. A person is happy when he understands and realizes his destiny.
Happiness is not the same as joy, but joy is an essential element of a happy life. Although happiness is an ambiguous, changing phenomenon, common features for all people can be identified:
- satisfaction of basic needs for safety, food, rest and so on (without this no one will be happy, but for some people this is enough, others achieve higher needs (self-realization), then if they are dissatisfied they will not be happy);
- a versatile, complete and harmonious life (physical, moral, intellectual, aesthetic spheres do not conflict).
I’ll make a reservation that in this article I don’t want to consider animal happiness (drinking, eating, sleeping), or hedonistic happiness. After all, we are people, higher beings, and that’s why I want to talk about high standards of happiness. Then it assumes the following elements:
- spiritual and intellectual (knowledge, beliefs, culture, values, attitudes, morality);
- material (health and financial independence, well-being).
But this is a theory that, without practice, remains only opportunities to be happy. All this is embodied in 3 types of activity: work (learning), love (interpersonal relationships, communication) and creativity (exiting non-standard and difficult life situations).
Happiness as a new personality formation goes through several stages:
- personal happiness, independent of the happiness of other people (sometimes the misfortune of others is important in order to feel even better);
- happiness associated with the group with which a person identifies (other people are not important);
- happiness only if all people are happy (but is this possible?);
- happiness as the unity of man with nature (God, the cosmos).
How to live on earth?
The question of how a person can live on earth can be called eternal. It has worried people for many centuries. Various answers have been given to this question. They depended on the era, current problems of the time, the level of knowledge about the world and about man. Primitive man faced the most important question: “How to protect ourselves from the world around us, full of deadly dangers?” As civilization developed, this issue changed radically. In the 21st century, people are asking a different question: “How to protect the world around us from the human world, full of deadly dangers?” It is known that in pursuit of “development”, comfort and money, a person often forgets about everything. He sweeps aside everything in his path that interferes with his “development”. People, with more or less ease, can step over moral principles and betray loved ones and loved ones. What can we say about the surrounding world, which until recently no one took into account at all. “Birds and different animals live next to us,” the man thought. — All kinds of plants grow. Let them live and bloom...as long as they don't interfere. And if you need to remove them, then excuse me. These animals and flowers will still be born, but they will not be born, and we will live without them. The main thing is that the person, the owner and ruler of everything, should feel good and comfortable.” People reasoned approximately this way for many centuries, right up to the 20th century. And they just couldn’t stop wondering why they were becoming more and more unhappy, suffering from depression and phobias, and couldn’t just enjoy life and be happy. The 20th century brought great changes. The creations of human hands were out of his control. Civilization began to develop at such a crazy pace that people were seriously scared. Now he was in danger of being killed by his own creation. And nature began to show “who’s boss” - all kinds of natural disasters and disasters became more frequent. In this regard, a close study began not only of nature as a separate system with its own laws, but also theories emerged that considered the entire Universe as a single organism. This harmonious system cannot exist without the coordinated interaction of all its parts, which include each individual and human society as a whole. Thus, for the existence of the Universe, harmony is necessary, both in the natural and in the human world. And this means that people all over the planet must live in peace not only with their own kind, with plants and animals, but they must live in peace, first of all, with their thoughts and desires. The theory of the unity of the Universe cannot be called an achievement of the 20th century. It was known to the most ancient peoples. This knowledge has come down to us in the presentation of yogis, Buddhists, and Taoists. It is no coincidence that interest in such philosophies has recently increased very sharply. Thanks to such an active interest in the philosophical wisdom of the East, many books dedicated to this have been published all over the world. One such wonderful book is “De Piglet” by Benjamin Hoff. It very simply and interestingly sets out the basics of the “life teachings of the Taoists.” “De Piglet” gives the answer to the question of how to live on earth in such a way that all its inhabitants feel good and comfortable. This is exactly how Taoism says the inhabitants of the Universe felt before the Great Alienation, before the alienation of people from nature and themselves: “...man lived in harmony with the natural world. He knew how to talk with animals, plants, representatives of other life forms... and he did not consider any of them as “lower” - simply as another, with different functions. He worked side by side with earthly angels and nature spirits and together with them took care of the preservation of this world.” The Taoists call this fertile era the Age of Perfect Virtue, for “all people had their natural virtue and all lived in a state of natural simplicity.” The state of virtue also extended to relationships in human society: “... the wisdom and talent of a person were not considered something special... People behaved with dignity... They loved and respected each other... They were honest and conscientious... In everyday life they helped each other and took advantage of the services of others...They were not bothered by the thought of “justice” because there was no injustice.” Similar thoughts about the rules of human relationships exist in all world religions. They are also enshrined in the norms of public morality. It has been proven for centuries that following them makes human life happy and harmonious. A person just needs to try to fulfill them, although this is not always easy to do. It is also not easy for modern people to live in harmony with nature. Now it is already ridiculous to call on everyone to return to the “natural state,” that is, to forget about all the achievements of civilization and live in the lap of nature. But a person of the 21st century is simply obliged, in my opinion, to strive to preserve and protect the environment. He must not forget that his Home is planet Earth and that all its inhabitants have equal rights to a happy life here. I believe that since man is endowed with intelligence, he bears the greatest responsibility for the life of the Universe. With all his thoughts and actions, he must strive to ensure a calm and harmonious life for himself and all his neighbors on Earth. How to do it? The answer to this question can be found everywhere: in a flower on a neighbor's window, in grandma's dog, in a book on a school shelf, in a television program, in your heart, finally. The main thing is to want to hear.
Luck or the result of hard work?
There are many opinions about what happiness is, and just as many opinions about what gives it: fate or the person himself. In my opinion, the truth lies between these positions, however, provided that the gifts of fate are considered to be the favorable family into which a person was born and certain innate characteristics that increase endurance and the likelihood of success in life. However, this is also a controversial issue, because from birth no stigma is placed on us and it depends only on ourselves, our environment and the prevailing circumstances whether we use our innate inclinations or not.
In the end I would say this:
- In childhood, a person’s happiness depends on other people, which is why it can be called luck/bad luck.
- In adulthood, a person builds his own life and is responsible for its success/failure. But for some people this is more difficult because they have to get rid of the burden of the past.
Troubles happen to everyone in life, and there are indeed factors that we cannot influence. But people react differently to difficult situations - this is the secret of happiness and the role of one’s own work.
No matter how childhood develops, it is during this period that a person is happiest. But childhood happiness is not suitable for an adult. It is based on ignorance, lack of reflection, irresponsibility and spontaneity. If an adult lives by the same basics, he will be knocked out of the real world, and the happiness of not noticing the hardships of life is very conditional and doubtful.
How to live with your husband correctly and happily?
To learn how to live correctly with your spouse, you need to remember some points:
- Approach any problem with humor. Every problem has both negative and positive sides. Look for something good in the bad.
- Gratitude for what you have. Don't ask your loved one to get the stars from heaven. Say words of gratitude for everything he does for you.
- Great intimacy. Almost all men love to spend time in bed with the woman they love. By the way, they look forward to the morning “process” more than the evening or night one.
- Cooking delicious dishes. Download e-books on cooking and learn to surprise your betrothed with more and more culinary delights.
- Thoughtful presentation. Before you say anything to your husband, imagine what his facial expression will be like.
Happiness and Needs
If a person stops wanting something, striving for something, it means that he has stalled in personal development. It is known that there is no limit to perfection. Accordingly, complete satisfaction cannot be achieved. But the essence of happiness is that a person knows how to satisfy his new needs and achieve a new goal, makes plans and brings it to life. He is happy because he is active and independent. It moves, develops and improves.
But here too there is a contradiction: a state that causes frustration and strong tension cannot be considered normal dissatisfaction. That is, if dissatisfaction is associated with unfulfilled expectations and losses, then it is perceived as a state of unhappiness. But if dissatisfaction is focused on the future, serves as an incentive to achieve something that a person has not yet had, then this is an element of happiness. As a rule, such dissatisfaction relates to creative activity.
How should one live correctly in this world according to the laws of the universe?
In any situation, it should be taken into account that people's actions return to them. Newton's third law always applies. If we paraphrase it, we can read the law of fate: with the force with which people influence something external, with the same force it responds to them. This means trying to treat people well, even if they don't deserve it.
Don't expect your future to consist only of pleasant and cloudless moments. The Universe does not reward people for special achievements in life. Do not treat this as a “fairness auction.”
The meaning of life and happiness
An interesting connection: having the meaning of life gives us a state of happiness and harmony, but at the same time, the very acquisition of happiness can be the meaning of life. What then is happiness-meaning? Perhaps the most generalized and universal answer will be: preserving one’s individuality (personal) in the context of social relations (general).
Remember how often you have heard or admitted that the root of unhappiness is misunderstanding on the part of others, the inability to be yourself. The contradiction between personal and social is one of the most dangerous and destructive. An unfree person cannot be happy. Although freedom does not guarantee happiness. You need to have freedom and be able to use it, to use this right rationally.
Where to look for happiness
There are two main questions in this category: make only yourself happy or try to make other people happy? The second is not the best option. Remember the relativity of happiness. Where is the guarantee that your opponent sees the world in exactly the same way? Wouldn't you be an intrusive advisor then?
No one can make other people happy, at least not purposefully. By accident, for example, by inventing something - quite. But do you think that during the creation process the author is driven by the idea of making others happy? Hardly. In the end, it remains that you can only make yourself happy.
Happiness ultimately comes from ourselves, our needs, values and interests:
- a person for whom health is the main value will be happy despite material deprivation;
- a power-hungry person will never be happy, since power and wealth will always be small;
- a rich inner world will give much more happy feelings than frequent changes of scenery, people, and sights.
Our happiness depends on what brings us pleasure. This in turn is directly related to the needs of the individual. As a result, it turns out that happiness is connected only with our personality, with what we are. External factors only influence 8-15% of happiness. From this it turns out that you need to first of all work on yourself in order to be happy:
- study your individual personal characteristics;
- make a list of advantages and disadvantages;
- deficiencies are divided into those that can be corrected and that need to be accepted;
- make a plan to maintain and develop strengths;
- make a plan to get rid of shortcomings;
- accept and love yourself;
- be friendly and open to new things;
- understand your inner world, interests and needs;
- develop a stable worldview and your own social position.
Happiness has two eternal enemies - pain and boredom. Try to eliminate from your life what causes these conditions. In turn, health and beauty (not so much physical as spiritual) are the basis of any happiness.
Try to change your thinking to a positive one (this is where happiness begins):
- Why do we sometimes suffer? Because we give in to value judgments. If you do not evaluate your situation as good or bad, then you do not feel happy or unhappy. Try to evaluate your condition and satisfaction/dissatisfaction. Note what exactly oppresses you and how it can be changed. It is clear that we cannot do without an assessment, but try to make it more specific.
- Try to talk about more than just what you don't have. This usually creates a feeling of unhappiness, especially if left unattended and unaddressed. Think about what you have, but what would happen if you didn't have it.
- Realize that nothing and no one is perfect.
- Don't get attached to things and people - everything comes. Remember that the only constant in your life is you, but even then you undergo regular changes.
- Constantly expand your comfort zone, circle of acquaintances and interests.
- Get rid of the burden of the past with pleasure and ease.
You should not choose something from the outside world as a source of happiness. The outside world is unstable. The only thing that is always with us is our inner world. This is where the work needs to be directed. There is no need to look for happiness in another person, work, or helping others. These elements, undoubtedly, should be included in the concept of happiness, but the base is our inner world.
At the same time, it is worth understanding that we experience not so much happiness from something achieved, but from the contrast between the new and the old (happiness and unhappiness). Therefore, it turns out that happiness is an unstable category, it cannot be permanent, but we can control it.
It is noted that congenital characteristics also contribute to the possibility of achieving happiness. It has been proven that extroverts and people with low neuroticism are happier than their opposites.
“After a period of happiness, joyful excitement and a sense of fullness of life, there will inevitably come a taking of what has been achieved for granted and there will be restlessness, dissatisfaction and doing more.” - Abraham Maslow.
Own life
Play only your role. Women are labeled as “housewife”, “mother”, “dishwasher”, etc. Don’t follow everyone’s opinion and do what a woman’s heart feels first. It's no secret that every girl tries to please everyone. Such a race for someone’s approval knocks you off your feet, contributes to the loss of your uniqueness and possible stress. A woman should remain herself and lead a natural life. You shouldn’t frame yourself with obligations that make women unhappy. Find what you're good at and develop yourself. Analyze what is not working and explain how to solve this problem.
Editor's choice: Wedding in greenery: the beginning of a new life with a green light
How to enjoy life
The best way to learn to enjoy life is to develop your creativity. Our whole life is creativity. Creativity gives us new knowledge, benefits, achievements, aesthetic and moral pleasure.
Creativity consists of inspiration and work, and only 1% is allocated to the first element. You can create in 3 directions:
- create spiritual and material values;
- create or discover something new;
- express yourself and develop yourself.
Creating yourself, transforming the world around you is also creativity. Creativity is something between work and rest. On the one hand, this is relaxation from the process itself, but on the other hand, it is targeted effort. Creativity makes us burn, rejoice, and open up. If you perceive your whole life as a continuous field for creativity, then the feeling of flight and joy will permeate it “from” to “to”.
The modern world allows everyone to express themselves. How? Of course, via the Internet. You can create a page on a social network, a group, a website and publish your own drawings, comics, articles, videos, poems there. Moreover, I am sure that every creator will find his audience.
But this is not even the only option. Associations with artists, singers, and poets are becoming a thing of the past. Today, the term "creativity" has a much broader meaning. But it is important to remember the 2 main risks of a creative person:
- Dependencies. It is no secret that many geniuses were accompanied by drug, alcohol or cigarette addiction. These substances provide that state of happiness that is impossible at the time of creative crisis. But our body cannot calmly accept these substitutes. Many famous people had to die early or end their careers because of this.
- Workaholism. Another extreme of receiving endorphins (hormones of happiness). With active mental activity, the body produces natural hormones, they are not harmful, unlike synthetic ones (alcohol, drugs, cigarettes), they are not dangerous due to “swings” and prolonged depression, but mental work for wear and tear devastates mitochondria - glucose storage facilities, cell batteries. When they are depleted and the level of endorphins is high, the blood begins to circulate faster, intracranial pressure increases, which can cause cardiac arrest. Unfortunately, death at the table during active mental activity is not a fiction. For example, such a fate befell I. M. Tronsky, a Russian philologist and an avid workaholic.
From everything mentioned above, the conclusion suggests itself: you cannot build happiness on one thing, you need to create your own multi-component formula. This is important in order to regularly maintain a state of joy, satisfaction, expectation, inspiration, but not to overstrain any system of the body. The golden mean and moderation are good in everything. You should not put happiness on one card; it is important to always have many options for insurance and safety.
How to start a new life: 10 actions that will lead you to happiness
It is generally accepted that achieving happiness requires a lot of effort. In fact, all you need to do is take a few simple steps every day.
Everyone has difficult moments and difficult situations in life. Some overcome them and move on, while others simply give up. By applying positive thinking every day and taking simple actions, you can not only get out of negative situations, but also avoid them completely.
10 actions that will lead to happiness
Don't make mountains out of molehills. Very often we screw ourselves up and literally create problems and troubles for ourselves out of thin air. The psychology of poverty manifests itself in a similar way, using any means to provoke negative emotions.
Even if something not very happy happened to you, calmly analyze the current situation and draw conclusions. You don’t need to constantly think about the problem, imagine what others think of you, and continue to stress yourself out. Think of it as an experience that has helped you become a better person and move closer to a state of happiness.
Don't deny the negative emotions you are experiencing. Many people decide to be happy and use positive thinking, so they push all the negativity inside themselves. However, this is not the best solution to problems. We need negative emotions. First of all, you need to accept them and understand what caused these feelings.
Understanding what lies behind a bad mood or judgment can help you change your overall attitude and behavior. Such an analysis helps to understand in which direction to move next. Once you accept this, the negativity will go away on its own.
Make a list of things that will make you happier. Each of us should have a special piece of paper with pleasant little things that can cheer us up. This could be anything from watching your favorite movie to walking in a city park. Let this list become your daily assistant on the path to happiness. After all, if you think about it, our whole life consists of little things that tend to accumulate. And only you can decide whether these little things will be pleasant or not.
Make time for your favorite activity. Think about the last time you did something that you really enjoyed and enjoyed. If you haven’t done anything like this for a long time, then try to find at least five minutes a day for your hobby.
Many people are so busy that they cannot even understand what brings them pleasure. In this case, childhood dreams and hobbies will come to the rescue. Remember what you loved to do as a child and start doing it as an adult.
Think positively. It is important to understand that positive thinking is not just about morning affirmations that you spend a few minutes a day on. Pay attention to what you think about throughout the day and evening. If you spend many hours judging other people, discussing their shortcomings and showing dissatisfaction with life, then no amount of morning attitudes will help you.
Positive thinking should become a part of your life. And even if something not very joyful happened to you, try to find your advantages and benefits in it. This is the only way you can move to a new level of thinking, where unpleasant situations will occur less and less often.
Learn something new. The movement has always stimulated people to development and interesting discoveries. Don’t sit still, constantly develop, attend courses that interest you, learn a new skill, travel, get creative. All this evokes emotions of joy and makes people not only successful, but also happy.
Get rid of unnecessary things in the room. Take a close look at your workspace and the home where you live. Pay attention to whether there is a lot of free space, light, and whether it is comfortable for you to be there. Feng Shui experts say that it is necessary to periodically clean the room of old things that impede the movement of energy and endow it with negative properties.
If you feel bad about throwing away good things, but you understand that you won’t use them anymore, donate everything to charity. This will be your best investment because you will not only get rid of unnecessary things, but also show the Universe your ability to give and share.
There is no need to constantly complain about your life. Complaining drains energy from you, which is not as easy to regain as it seems. Be grateful to the Universe even in small things. After all, it is known that like attracts like. After a while, you yourself will not notice how your wishes will begin to come true much faster, and life will begin to present even more gifts.
Do not shift responsibility for your life and decision-making to others. To manage your Destiny, you need to clearly understand that everything that happens is the result of your actions and decisions made. If you continue to blame your parents, your environment, and universal injustice for your failures, then nothing will change, and happiness in your life will not increase.
Once you realize personal responsibility, you will be more conscious of managing your time, and you will become picky about food, clothing, and even friends. You will get rid of the need to blame others for something and begin to enjoy your achievements.
Set new goals for yourself. Many people set themselves one single goal, which they strive for throughout their lives. In this case, there is a high probability of being disappointed without achieving what you want. To be happy, you don't have to limit yourself to just one task. The more goals, the greater the chances of getting what you want. Give yourself more permission. Remember that you don’t have to set big, grandiose goals.
Make wishes correctly, and they will easily come true. Be open to new opportunities, trust the Universe
