Story 1. The right place to work
Hero: girl, 30 years old, Moscow, worked in a logistics company
I came to my father’s dream job: a beautiful office, working with German partners, a good salary - this is exactly how he described to me what I should strive for. Therefore, when I received an offer from an employer, although I had doubts, I still accepted it in order to meet my family’s expectations.
During the first months, my boss behaved eccentrically, but within the limits of what was permitted. In the office, long meetings, often in private, were the norm: he told stories from his life and was offended if someone reminded him that he needed to get back to work. But the team was small, and gradually the boundaries began to blur: everything was used, from jokes at lunch and praise of my merits to stories about my poor education and claims that my calculations for the project were ruining the company. It was impossible to be late for work, but we were regularly delayed, and for the sake of the same useless conversations. The monitor screens were recorded, and from the context we realized that we were also being bugged: the boss came to work for lunch and was aware of everything that was said in his absence.
When this man found out that I was getting married, there was a scandal: he was afraid that I would go on maternity leave. Even then I understood that the boundaries had been completely violated, but over several years of such an attitude, my self-esteem decreased. My numbers dropped to zero, I sabotaged deadlines, and crying at home in the evenings became the norm.
I was sure that I wouldn’t be able to get a job anywhere and they tolerated me here because they were used to it.
Once one of the projects was on the verge of failure, we let our partners down, and we were fined. The boss called me and started yelling about what he would do to our colleague from another agency for her stubbornness. There was everything: a call for violence, humiliation of women, obscenities, threats to life. I hung up and went to write my resignation letter.
It is important that my entire family supported me very much. I didn’t work for a year, acquired a different profession and now realize myself in my favorite field. At my current job, I have a constant fear that I am being deceived; I do not get close to the team, but with management I am as formal as possible. It seems to me that I have not experienced that story until now.
Research methodology on bosses’ aggression
371 people took part in the online study. First, the researchers asked participants to report how often they had been the target of aggression or ridicule from a boss—say, how often the boss told them that their thoughts, opinions, and feelings didn’t matter to him personally...
Then the researchers found out what the respondents’ reaction was to such attacks. It turned out that those who meekly endured the attacks were more likely to experience so-called “distress” - this is the scientific name for the combination of stress and depression. They stated that they received little satisfaction from their work and showed low levels of loyalty to their employer. It is clear that this did not contribute to work productivity, since these people were deprived of the incentive to work well. But those who responded to aggression were less likely to perceive themselves as victims, expressed greater job satisfaction and rarely suffered from stress.
Elena Grigorieva, psychotherapist, creator of the stop-abuse website:
It is important to distinguish between violation of labor laws or laws and abuse. Spying on people is illegal, but the aggressor can use the information received to put psychological pressure on the victim. The most striking example of psychological abuse in this story, in my opinion, is the “rocking” of the victim: inappropriate behavior changed the perception of normal and abnormal. As a result, the girl remained under the man’s leadership for quite a long time, accepting both abuse and outright violation of her rights.
How to fight back your boss
However, “fight back” does not at all mean a “you’re a fool” type of reaction . As practice shows, such a reaction to beating usually ends in dismissal, demotion or other troubles. What techniques are most effective in “fighting” a boorish boss? Let's get back to the poll results...
Ignoring
During the beating, you stand with an impenetrable face and even pretend that you don’t understand what they’re talking about. You leave your boss’s office looking like the sea is knee-deep.
If you really convince yourself that the collision did not hurt you at all, then you will certainly avoid stress. And the boss, in turn, seeing that his attacks don’t bother you, will eventually stop using this measure.
Work carelessly
This technique, in general, is not acceptable in all cases, but only when your work is undervalued. Let's say you tried and tried, but you received no praise, and they even shouted that you were getting your salary for nothing... Well, it was for nothing... Lead yourself accordingly, doing only the minimum necessary for work. To your superiors’ comments, feel free to answer: “As you pay, that’s how I work!” Or: “What’s the point of working well, you’ll still be unhappy with me!” It is possible that the boss will think about it...
Respond to reproaches with restraint and dignity
If you disagree with your boss's accusations, rebut them. But not in an apologetic tone, which will only cause even greater aggression, but give compelling arguments why you could not complete the task as well as the manager would like.
Don't tolerate insults
If they insult you directly to your face, commenting not only on your professional qualities, but also on your mental abilities, and even on your appearance, personal circumstances, etc., in order to completely humiliate you, say that you will not speak in such a tone. Turn around and leave the office. Perhaps the boss will draw the appropriate conclusions and behave more correctly next time.
Story 2. “You can’t let me down”
Hero: girl, 31 years old, Moscow, worked as a marketing director
Perhaps each of us can remember moments of psychological violence from our boss. They are very traditional in our heads: shouting, insulting or calling at four in the morning. I, especially at the beginning of my career, had different bosses, and at four in the morning they also called me. But for many years I have been in the opposite situation - when I give it as an example, I often hear in response: “Why are you indignant? This is great!
My manager (CEO) had high expectations for me in every communication (including every message). That’s right, each message ended with the phrases “This is very important to me,” “I have my hopes up in you,” “You can’t let me down,” and when something went wrong, an emotional reaction followed: “I’m very disappointed, not let me down."
And when you are in “don’t let me down” mode 24/7, the level of real pressure is felt much stronger than when they call you once a month at four in the morning. You can no longer quietly read a book in the evening or watch a TV series on the weekend. You physically feel “I’m letting you down.”
You work continuously, and when you don’t work, you suffer from remorse
In the team, the main complex was the employee’s embarrassment because everyone worked on weekends, but he didn’t. In the early stages, I was objectively effective, but this manner of communication led to the feeling that something was going wrong. There was no strength to work, no motivation. I realized the problem fully only when I finished working on the project.
Manipulation is a hidden psychological technique that can be used to force a person to perform the desired actions against his will and interests.
Any manipulation is always aimed at three basic human motivators: instincts, belief system and life experience. The object of manipulation can be flattered, frightened, arouse in him feelings of pity and envy in order to motivate him to do something. If a person’s belief system has ambition and a developed sense of responsibility, the manipulator will put pressure on them.
Ask colleagues or friends to help
If you are unable to cope alone, then seek help. Of course, this method works if the team is friendly and ready to help someone out.
Another good way to cope with blockage is to ask friends to control all your actions, not allowing you to relax for a certain period. Let them call several times a day and ask about the progress of work, check at the appointed hour whether you have really completed this or that task.
Story 3. Beat your own!
Hero: girl, 24 years old, Moscow, worked as a customer service manager
I have always been pert and did not let management offend me; If I didn’t like something, I left. But at this place of work I was taken by surprise by the fact that the management turned out to be excellent, but the colleague was a psychological abuser. Despite the fact that we were in equal positions, she positioned herself as my leader. Later I found out that eight people left the company because of her.
She constantly changed tasks and demands, “changed her shoes in the air,” allowed herself insults and personal attacks, brought people to panic attacks, and wrote at night and during working hours in a threatening manner. The norm was to throw her tasks onto me and then deny responsibility - and this was a general behavior, I was not the only one with whom she behaved this way.
My attempts to fight back caused hysteria and reproaches
One day, all this was more than enough for me and I quit, after which I found a new job with a wonderful team, but with a low salary - but this was not so important to me, I went to a new job to restore my mental balance and strength.
Thanks to my sad experience, I promised myself to collect feedback on the psychological climate in the company before accepting a position. After all, when I tried to understand the reasons for what was happening, it turned out that there had been a lot of similar situations before me. I will not hide: I wrote an angry review about the employer because I want everyone to know about the problem. After all, they do nothing with this employee and prefer to look for new people instead of replacing the aggressor.
The two main reasons for aggression from colleagues are compensation for personal complexes and aggression to eliminate competition.
Unlike aggression from a manager, it is easier to deal with an abusive colleague: you need to regularly remind him that you can only receive instructions and comments on your work from your manager.
Don't give in to temptations
When there is a lot of work, you always want to have a snack, drink coffee, look at a social network or look at a photo of your favorite cat. But each such activity takes you a total of 5-10 minutes. The more often you are distracted by useless things, the lazier you become. After such breaks it is much more difficult to concentrate and collect yourself.
Fear of difficult work should not make you apathetic and despondent. You must boldly face the most tricky tasks, without being afraid to solve them. Once you cope with these matters, you will be able to conquer new heights and boldly climb the career ladder.
Story 4. “We were so close that we decided to work together”
Hero: girl, 26 years old, Moscow, worked as a producer
I worked with my close friend, who invited me to this job. Technically he was my manager, but since it was a television project, the boundaries were not as clearly defined as in corporations. We were close friends, but then there was a quarrel, after which the attitude towards me at work changed radically.
A colleague could be three hours late for a meeting and respond to my remark by shouting (“You’re a nobody here!”) and put me in my place. He could humiliate me in front of the team, shift his blame onto me, and then, on the contrary, suddenly behave very correctly and well with me. That is, there were emotional swings too.
I was the only one he treated like that and I tried to fight back
First, through the main producer of the project, then she warned me directly that if this behavior continued, I would leave. At such moments, the colleague changed dramatically and became a kind, understanding friend, but by the morning everything could return back to abuse. The situation lasted for almost six months, at some point I fell into a depressed state and did not leave the house for a month.
The final chord was his proposal to demote me by cutting my salary, although there was no reason for this. At that moment I just got up and left forever. Yes, the next day we met with him, we even talked for many hours: he apologized, explained what happened, promised to go to a psychotherapist, but this no longer concerned me.
After leaving, I didn’t work anywhere on a permanent basis for almost a year: I felt terrible, my self-esteem was destroyed. It seemed to me that I was not just a bad employee, but also a bad person, because this does not happen to good people, they are not treated like that. I thought I deserved it. When I returned to full-time work, I reacted very strongly to the team. Moreover, it still seems to me that I have not fully integrated into it, because I am afraid that if I start communicating closely with someone, I will find myself in a similar situation again.
In order to avoid blurring the boundaries between friendship and work, you first need to learn how to set these boundaries. You can be friends or enemies outside of work, but when you get into a work environment, the very manner of behavior should change: keep a certain distance, keep yourself away from friendly and personal topics, define zones: work is for work, but the dining room, bar or walk down the street - for personal communication.
Develop an actionable plan
How to get everything done at work when you're overwhelmed? Usually vanity and panic catch those who do not know how to plan their time.
- Get a diary and always carry it with you. The best solution would be to write everything down not only on paper, but also set reminders on your phone.
- Make a list of your backlog of tasks, and then rank them by importance and urgency.
- Add a note to each item if there is any additional information or difficulties that may be encountered while solving the next task. For example, when writing a press release, you need to contact the building management company (management company), which only works twice a week.
To cope with being overwhelmed at work, you need to solve only important and urgent tasks first. Sure, they all require your attention, but there are always those things that put your career and salary at risk.
The work of clearing away the rubble at work should always begin with the most unpleasant things that bother you the most. As soon as you cope with them, you will feel a surge of vigor and confidence, so all other reports and projects will go smoothly.
Story 5. When everything seemed fine
Hero: girl, 29 years old, Smolensk, works as a teacher at school
I realized only now that I was being subjected to psychological abuse. After studying the issue, I realized that I have been working under the leadership of an aggressor for many years, and most importantly, I perceive such behavior as the norm. It is worth noting that I work in the province, in our city there is a bad situation on the labor market, so even if I had a desire to quit before, I was always afraid that I would not be able to find a replacement job in my profession.
I have been working at school for seven years now. From the very beginning, my teacher regularly visited my classes, after which she examined every comment in front of the whole team, often in front of my students. Then they added a rate to me, but they still haven’t paid it, and when it became known that I had an economist’s education, they forced me to do procurement (with a minimal additional payment). In all difficult situations with students, I am always to blame; no one even tries to figure out the details. Regular shouting and complaining that universities are now not producing good teachers is the norm.
In the first years I often cried even at work, but now I’m used to it
I need to figure out what to do next, because, I admit, I am still not sure that this will not happen to me in the future. At the same time, it is very difficult for me to evaluate the quality of my work: my colleagues encourage me, I myself try to be a good teacher, I develop myself, I go to courses at my own expense, but from the first day my bosses convince me that everything is bad. I really like working with children, and I wouldn’t even want to leave this school, because there have been a lot of good things over the years.
Pull yourself together and pull yourself together
It doesn’t matter why you got stuck at work (the boss asked you to write a report for a neighboring department, you were too lazy and didn’t follow the deadline). Now your main task is to pull yourself together and work out a thorough plan.
Realize that time is running out, and every minute there are more and more things to do. Set aside a few evenings to get some rest and develop a plan of action. Try not to overload yourself with homework, but also don’t waste energy on useless activities (watching TV, computer games).
Practice meditation, take a hot bath, read a simple book, take a walk alone in the fresh air. You must understand that the coming period will be difficult, you will need to work quickly and not be distracted by anything.
If you have experienced abuse at work
Keep your distance
Before showing aggression, abusers often get close to the victim, so it is important to maintain the right distance: do not become familiar, and do not reveal details of your personal life at work. In a conversation, placing yourself separately from the project: “I promise to do...”, “I couldn’t...” is wrong; “We/the team are planning to do...”, “In this situation it didn’t work out...” - correct.
Remember self-identification
You are not your job. Abusers turn to the personal qualities of the victim, cultivate an inferiority complex in him, and often inflate shortcomings to the level of a problem. And most importantly, abusers suggest that you personally are bad and that’s why the project or task failed/might fail. But work is a combination of factors and people, and you only perform your functions. Not more.
Keep calm and stay cool
Losing your temper not only increases the likelihood of open confrontation, but it also puts you in a more vulnerable position. Remember that the abuser feeds off your discomfort and suffering. The moment he sees that he is capable of provoking you and making you angry motivates him to continue and increase the pressure. The safest thing is to go away, get some air, inhale and exhale until you calm down. Then go back and act as if there was no provocation.
Talk to the offender rationally and directly without losing eye contact
If you can have a conversation in front of other employees, even better. Ask the bully to stop the inappropriate behavior and make it clear that you do not tolerate such treatment. Surprisingly, abusers rarely receive a response - and this is what their aggression is based on. Even if the aggressor claims that everything is in order and you misunderstood him, two or three public rebuffs will noticeably cool his ardor.
Don’t be shy about pointing out the fallacy of the abuser’s attacks.
Most often, verbal abuse relates to personal qualities or an assessment of your professionalism. If your personal life is involved, make it clear that you are at work and do not intend to discuss personal matters. If we are talking about professionalism, then the aggressor’s words can be countered with the following phrases: “This is wrong,” “This is an unfair assessment,” “Are you talking about a specific situation? Let's discuss in detail." Having the courage to respond to an attack is also a great way to set boundaries and show the bully (and other employees) that you are serious about keeping your personal and professional lives separate.
Fight laziness
If necessary, take reports and documentation home. The faster you cope with the blockage at work, the better you will feel.
When you report to someone and are responsible for any project, then every overdue day becomes torture and a real test. The more things you have to do, the more difficult it is to pull yourself together and start solving them. Over time, this leads to apathy and despondency, and self-esteem falls.
How to deal with being overwhelmed at work? Remember that laziness is your biggest and worst enemy. Don't let yourself relax until you get everything done. Of course, at this moment you will want to relax and watch another episode of your favorite film adaptation, play a new game, meet friends at the club. It is important to fight and tell yourself “no” every time you want to avoid work.
Remind yourself as often as possible that unresolved matters affect your career, personal success and salary. Nothing is more motivating than losing a job or money, because most organizations fine you for missing a deadline.
