Hi all! Lyudmila Redkina is with you, and in this article we continue to talk about useful skills. Have you ever passed a ticket on a minibus? During my student years, I often used this type of transport. Especially during rush hour, when the bus is packed with people, someone will ask you to hand over money for a ticket. And the question is, what will you do? Will you pass it on even if you have to hold on to the handrail with your teeth, or will you refuse? And if you refuse, and some compassionate grandmother says: “Here are the young people gone...”, will you feel remorse? Below we'll look at how to learn to say “no” and feel comfortable doing it.
FULL LIST OF HEALTHY HABITS
Why people can't refuse
From childhood, we absorb norms of behavior that are “dictators” of decisions made in adulthood. And in this childhood, a sea of all sorts of situations happen to us that influence us. The inability to refuse people goes back to childhood, when our parents instilled in us the attitude: be a good girl, a good boy. What does this mean in the understanding of loved ones?
A “good child” is a comfortable child, flexible, polite, and not having the right to object to an adult when he doesn’t like something. A “good child” is always good in everything, at school he is always the head boy or the teacher’s favorite. In adult life, he is the right ward, who will fulfill ALL the commands of his superiors, so as not to spoil the relationship.
The inability to refuse also occurs due to the emotional detachment of parents. The child subconsciously perceives himself as a nuisance, unworthy of good treatment. A lack of emotional communication with parents leads to a search for support and acceptance from strangers. How can he get it? Only by adjusting to the desires of another. But you won’t become sociable and interesting this way.
At the psychological level, “yes” is perceived as emotional closeness, but “no,” on the contrary, repels, an adult deprived of parental attention is sure. But in fact, such an “eternally agreeable person” sacrifices his time, strength, talents and sometimes health for the sake of a dummy - imaginary psychological intimacy. Yes, he may hear “thank you,” but perhaps that’s the maximum.
How to learn to say NO. Manuel Smith
Rules of Personal Power
RULES OF ASSERTIVENESS (inalienable individual rights) Rules of Assertive Behavior are needed to deal with those situations when you have the following feeling: “I don’t know how this happened, but I have a nasty feeling that I was “fucked” The post is compiled from quotes from the book by Manuel Smith “How to learn to say NO.”
And it concerns the rules of how to defend your own opinion. This text consists of red, blue and regular colored statements. The red color of the text indicates beliefs that are characteristic of people who are more confident and independent. These beliefs lead to more successful powerful behavior that goes against what society usually teaches us in the person of teachers, parents, bosses, and others - who are convenient to make us good performers (“be patient”, “avoid conflict”, “ be above this”, “don’t pay attention”, “nothing can be done”, “cricket know your hearth”, “be a good boy”, “you can’t want this” and others). Those erroneous beliefs that lead to addictive behavior, manipulating us through fear and guilt are highlighted in blue. The items contain explanatory comments. Preface So many of us are familiar with those situations when someone influences us, when we think: “if I say ‘no’ I will feel guilty, but if I say ‘yes’ then I will simply hate myself.” Similar situations happen everywhere: and at work, and with my parents, and with my girlfriend. The most common tactic for most people to deal with such situations is to escape from such situations with the help of petty lies. Although it does not add self-esteem, it does prevent conflict. But if you constantly avoid such “conflicts of interest” with these people, then your relationship will most likely disappear. Because conflict is a normal side of living human relationships. Things can't always be smooth sailing. And you can't always be smooth either. People sometimes just want to get to know you from different sides, not just the one that is more comfortable for you. For example, those guys who try never to object or conflict with their girlfriend lose this relationship with a much higher probability than a self-confident macho with a complex character. But let's get back to working with our beliefs. How do you think we acquire all the lovely burden of idiotic beliefs that then hinder us in life? It goes something like this: In early childhood, we behave confidently and assertively. The baby's first independent action is protest. If something happens that he doesn’t like, he immediately makes it known by vocally asserting his rights - by crying, screaming and screaming at any time of the day or night. We were all very persistent at that age and communicated our dissatisfaction until the cause was eliminated. Having learned to crawl, we stubbornly and persistently did what we wanted: we explored everything and everyone. Only the invention of the crib, playpen and nanny allowed parents to do something other than constantly “herd” the baby. Soon, however, the baby turns into a small child who can walk, talk, and understand what his parents tell him. From now on, physical restrictions on his behavior are no longer effective. Parents' control over him changes from physical to psychological. What do parents do? Many of them, unfortunately, retaliate by teaching children to feel anxious, ignorant, and guilty. But for what purpose? To make it easier to psychologically control their behavior. It's quite easy to get used to these feelings. It is enough to instill confidence that your behavior causes a feeling of irritation, that you are ignorant, and that you are to blame. Parenting comes from both parents, but mom does most of the dirty work since she spends much more time with you than dad. Mothers often tell their children that they are bad, terrible, terrible, dirty, evil, obnoxious, spoiled or even evil. By using the words “good” and “bad” to control the child’s behavior, the mother thereby denies her responsibility for making him do what she wants (for example, for him to clean his room). This implies an appeal to some authority who created the rules that we all must follow. This method of control - “bad boy - good boy” - is very effective, but in essence it is control on the sly. And honest communication is only possible when the mother directly and, relying on her authority, says that she wants the child to do this. However, it seems to the mother that it would be more correct to teach the child to distinguish between “good” and “bad” with the help of such generally accepted authorities as God, the government, the policeman, the evil uncle and the like - with the help of all those figures that, in a childish way, are perceived by the main judges in the field of “bad” and “good”. For example, a daughter is playing with a dog in the living room, and her mother wants to lie down. Mom begins to control the girl’s emotions with the following words: “Why do you always play with Jack?” The daughter is expected to answer why she is always in the living room playing with the dog. Not knowing other reasons, except for the fact that she likes it and that it is amusing, the girl feels her ignorance: if her mother asks about the reason, then there must be one. After all, mom wouldn’t ask about something that doesn’t exist, right? If the daughter truthfully but timidly answers, “I don’t know,” the mother will retort, “Why don’t you go to your sister’s room to play with her?” Not having a "good" reason for why she chooses to play with the dog rather than her sister makes her feel uncomfortable again. While she is looking for the reason, her mother interrupts her muttering: “It seems that you don’t like playing with your sister at all. And she wants to play with you." The girl feels guilty and continues to remain silent, and meanwhile her mother delivers the fatal blow: “Since you don’t want to play with your sister, she won’t love you and won’t want to play with you.” Now the daughter, among other things, is worried that her sister may be angry with her. And she leaves the living room to take her rightful place in life - next to her sister and away from her mother’s ears. It would have been better if my mother had directly, but in a completely understandable way, grumpily said: “Get out of the living room, I’ll try to sleep. And take this shabby and brainless dog with you!” Although, I must admit, with such a statement she shows the child the reality without embellishment: living with other people, oh, how difficult it is! Often the people you love and care about are cruel to you because they are just human beings. They can love you and care about you and still be angry with you. Life with other people is not easy and wonderful all the time. So, by periodically expressing anger in everyday life, your mother prepares you to cope with the paradoxes of human behavior in the future. The manipulation of negative emotions continues outside the home. Older children already know that these emotions can be used to control the behavior of others. And they use this tool to force smaller or weaker children to do what they want. Teachers pick up what mom started and control the behavior of students in the classroom also with the help of negative emotions. So all these people control your emotions and behavior based on the assessments of “right”, “wrong”, “decent”, and thereby teach you to think in accordance with some vague rules that you must follow. To summarize this preface, we can say the following: they try to control you, me, and the majority of those living on this earth from the very moment we begin to speak and understand what they tell us, by manipulating our emotions. When we behave assertively, they try to make us feel anxious, feel ignorant, or feel guilty for our behavior. This kind of keeps us from real or imaginary danger, but in fact makes life easier for the adults around us. However, playing on our emotional strings in this way also has a side effect. When we grow up and become responsible for our behavior, these emotions do not leave us. We all experience anxiety, ignorance and guilt at times, and this can and is used against us by other people to force us to do what they want. The purpose of this article is to help you, if not completely get rid of the emotions instilled in us in childhood, then at least weaken their manifestation when communicating with other people. 1) You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, emotions and take responsibility for their consequences. You have the right to be the supreme judge over yourself. The more weak-willed and weak-willed we are, the more likely it is that we deny this right to both ourselves and others. Why is this happening? Why can such a simple statement - each of us has the right to be the final judge of ourselves - cause any controversy at all? If you exercise this right, you take full responsibility for your existence and relieve other people of responsibility. People of this independent type cause anxiety in another type of people - helpless and insecure. The latter believe that the behavior of all people, especially independent ones, must be controlled. “Addicts” feel so much anxiety in the presence of an independent, non-standard person that it seems to them that this “uncontrollable” person is capable of jeopardizing their own luck or even happiness itself. When we doubt being the ultimate judge of our own behavior, we cannot control our destiny except by resorting to all sorts of rules. The less we rely on our own strengths, the more we worry because we do not know the correct rules of behavior in certain situations. And we begin to come up with some rules ourselves until we again feel comfortable and fearless. The same feeling of insecurity pushes people to invent rules to regulate behavior in more significant circumstances. How to have sex “correctly”? Standard positions? What about what is described in the Kama Sutra? Where did all these ways of doing things “properly” come from? So, if we act as the ultimate judges of our own behavior (and then respect the rules of others), we pose a serious threat to the order that weak-willed people adhere to. Therefore, a dependent person will not want to recognize the right of others to make decisions on their own. Using a means of self-defense, he will logically manipulate us with the help of rules and standards: “right - wrong”, “decent or not”, “reason and logic” - this is how he controls our behavior, which may be contrary to his own desires, likes and dislikes. Manipulation of your behavior occurs when rules that are alien to you (to which you did not agree) are imposed on you, which violate your inalienable right to decide for yourself what and how to do. At its core, manipulation is any behavior caused by an idea coming from childhood, according to which: you should not express independent judgments. You should be guided by generally accepted rules and the opinion of people who are more important and wiser about you. When you become your own judge, you learn to find your own ways to independently evaluate your behavior. The rating system that you develop through your own experience (trials and errors) is less like right and wrong, and more like “this works for me, that doesn’t.” Your independent judgments form a free system “I love - I like”, “I don’t love - I don’t like”, and not a system of “I should - I shouldn’t”, “You should - you shouldn’t”. The conclusions we come to when thinking about our behavior do not make sense to someone else. However, they will be judgments that suit us personally and our lifestyle. For many of us, the prospect of being our own judge is daunting. Being your own judge without a set of set rules is like traveling through an unfamiliar country without a map to show you how to get somewhere. Having to make our own rules for life as we move on is not an easy task. But whether we want to admit it or not, the truth is: we are responsible for ourselves. You cannot absolve yourself of responsibility for your lifestyle with explanations that imply that you were forced to do this or that way. This is your life, and what happens in it concerns only you, no one else. Many people deny that they are the judge of their own behavior. Refusing to take responsibility for this, they tend to make excuses and apologize. When the “right-wrong” system is used, psychologically it ends in a feeling of guilt. If guilt-inducing laws are enforced, those laws, or those who enforce them, violate our inalienable human right to be the ultimate judge of our emotions. 2) You have the right not to make excuses or apologize for your behavior. If you are a confident person, you do not need to explain your behavior to others so that they can decide whether it is right, wrong, correct or incorrect. Of course, people always have the right to tell you that they don't like what you do. You, in turn, have the right to ignore their comments, or find a compromise, or, sparing their feelings, respect their wishes and completely change your behavior. Dependence on the opinions of other people is formed on the basis of a childhood idea, which goes like this: you must explain your behavior to other people because you are responsible to them for your actions. You must justify your actions to them. People I taught to be assertive constantly asked, “How can I refuse to explain to a friend when he asks for it?” My answer consisted of a series of provocative questions: “Why does your friend demand that you explain your behavior? Is it his condition of your friendship that you allow him to judge the merits of your behavior? Is it possible that if you don't explain to him why you don't want to lend him your car, that will be enough to end your friendship? What is the price of such a fragile friendship? If some of your friends refuse to acknowledge your clear right to stop manipulating you, they may not be able to structure their relationships with you in anything other than a manipulative way. Decide for yourself. The choice of friends, like everything else, is entirely up to you 3) You have the right to decide whether you should take responsibility for other people's problems (whether you care about other people's problems). Each of us is fully responsible for our own well-being, happiness and success in life. No matter how much we wish each other well, we do not have the ability to create well-being or happiness for anyone else. You can do something nice for someone from time to time, fulfill their wishes, but this person must himself experience the heaviness, sweat, pain and fear of defeat and build his life in such a way as to be healthy and happy. Each of us must solve our own problems and learn to cope with them. This is reflected in one of the first principles of modern psychotherapy. People who practice this healing art know that “treatment” itself does not solve the patient’s problems, but helps him achieve a state of solving them. You can sometimes help with consultation or advice, but the person with the problems is responsible for resolving them. If you do not exercise your right to be responsible only for yourself, then other people will take advantage of this and will put their problems on you as well. This type of manipulation is based on a child’s idea of a system of relationships in which you are one of the participants: You must sacrifice your personal values and not allow the existing system of relationships to collapse. If the system ever fails, it is you who must adapt or change, not the system. If any problems arise with the system, these are your problems; the system is not responsible for them. Our ordinary communication with people is replete with examples of this kind of manipulation. Husbands and wives manipulate each other by saying, "If you don't stop annoying me, we'll have to get a divorce." Such a statement causes a feeling of guilt, since it implies that the marriage contract is more important than the personal happiness of each spouse. In this case, they have a choice: - each to do what he wants, and feel guilty for putting his desires above the marital relationship, or - do what the spouse wants, and experience grief, anger, aggressively escalate the conflict or become depressed and withdrawn. We see similar examples in trade every day. They are trying to force you to act as if the well-being of some system is “higher” than your own well-being. Sellers will often try to dismiss your complaint about a defective product by saying, “You're holding everyone back. All these people also want to be served. ” Thus, the seller manipulates you. It causes you a feeling of guilt, because it implies: you must understand that the store cannot delay other people's service because of you. The “verdict” of the seller made to you is as follows: if the system of analysis of complaints works poorly in the case of you, then the responsibility for this lies with you, not at the store. But if you yourself decided who is to blame (for whom lies responsibility), you would simply have coped with the situation. For example: “You are right, I hold everyone. Either you quickly satisfy my request, or they still have to wait. ” When you are trying to ensure that you make the necessary repair of the thing you bought that you have been failed, or returned the money for it, sellers or administrators often say: “Your claims are not to us. This is not our problem. This is the problem of the factory, or the factory, or the wholesale store, or the importer, or the transport service, or the insurance company, etc. The factory will not return the money for the defective goods, so we cannot return it to you. ” Such a statement is evasion. If you allow the seller or the administrator to impose the opinion on you that you yourself must solve this problem, in any case you will find yourself in an absurd position, namely: 1) you stop insisting so that you are returned to the money; 2) agree with a stupid idea that you should not be the reason for problems for employees or company; 3) You are upset because you don’t know how, without delivering problems to others, to achieve your desire. On the other hand, if you think that you are not responsible for resolving the problem of relations between the store and the factory, you can confidently answer: “I am not interested in your relationship with the factory. I am only interested in getting a good thing or returning my money. ” 4) You have the right to change your mind, change your opinion. We are all people, and we tend to change. We change their minds, choose what is better; Our interests over time and depending on the conditions are changing. Obviously, our choice in one situation works for us, in another - against us. In order not to lose common sense and successfully achieve our well -being and happiness, we must admit: a change of opinion is a normal and healthy reaction. But, if you changed your mind, other people can resist your new choice. At the same time, they use manipulation based on the next children's performance: you should not change your mind after you have already made a decision (and let others know about it). If you change your opinion, then something is wrong. You must justify your new choice or admit that you were mistaken. If you are mistaken now, you show that you are irresponsible; It is likely that you will be mistaken again, and thereby create new problems. So, you are not able to make independent decisions. Examples of behavior caused by this representation, we often meet in a situation of returning to the goods store. Recently, I returned nine cans of paint for home to one of the largest department stores in the country. Filling out a credit card, the seller reached the column “Reason for the return of the goods” and asked me why I return the paint. I replied: “When I bought it, they told me that I could return all unnecessary banks with paint. I opened one of the cans, I didn’t like the paint, and I changed my mind to paint it. ” The seller could not force himself to write “changed his mind” or “he didn’t like the paint” and continued to be inquired to the true reason for the return of the paint: maybe the wrong color is or not that consistency, etc. In fact, an employee (forcing me to invent a reason that is invented that is inventing that I could satisfy him or, perhaps, his bosses), wanted me to change my decision as an apology for my irresponsible act. I almost said that it upset my dog’s sexual life - and let him record it! But I resisted and told the seller that I have no complaints about paint. I just changed my mind and decided not to use this paint. Since they told me that I can return unnecessary banks, I return them and I want money to be returned to my account. As you can see, I made my personal decision: I had the right to change my mind, I told the seller that I want to get money back and I got it. 5) You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them. To make mistakes is part of human existence. Our integral right to make mistakes and answer for them simply characterizes the reality of human life. We must admit: mistakes are just mistakes, and nothing more. In the opposite case, we can become objects for manipulations. It is easy for us to manipulate if we believe that errors are “evil”, and we “do not” make them; And if they allowed a mistake, it is necessary to fix it with “correct” behavior. You have to pay for mistakes - others think, and on this basis they, reminding us of our past mistakes, control our subsequent behavior. The children's performance on which this manipulation is built is this: you should not make mistakes. Mistakes are evil that creates trouble to other people. If you make mistakes, you should feel your guilt. You do not know how to behave properly and make worthy decisions. So that you cannot cause new problems, your behavior and solutions should be controlled by other people. Only in this way can you compensate for the evil that you caused them. 6) You have the right to say “I don't know.” Another of your legal right is to make a decision, even if you do not know everything that will follow. You have the right to say: “I don’t know,” if you do not know the answer to the question. Of course, if you do something before you do something, ask yourself what the consequences of your actions can be, you most likely cannot foresee much. And this really wants people who are manipulating you. They believe that you must foresee the consequences of your actions. Manipulations are built on the basis of the following incorrect postulate: you should have answers to any questions about the possible consequences of your actions; After all, if you have no answers, then you do not realize what problems you can create to other people, and then you are irresponsible and you need to control. Manipulations based on this belief are also often manifested in different types of relationships. My students often say that they are accused of irresponsibility, while they just behave confidently. Manipulation based on a child -vaccinated in childhood that you should know the answers to any possible questions, can be very delicate. It can usually be recognized on such issues as “what would happen if ...? How do you think… ? How would you feel if ...? " When dealing with such a manipulation, you do not need to know what “could happen if ...” no one can know everything and any consequences of his own behavior. Therefore, if the manipulator needs to speculate on what would happen if ... let him do this if he can’t wait so much. This will not be confused. 7) You have the right not to depend on how others relate to you. “Not a single person is an island in the ocean,” said the English poet John Donn, and this has a great meaning. But someone takes the next step and says that all people are your brothers and friends. This is already beyond the framework of not only literature, but also common sense. Whatever you or I do, there will always be someone who will not like it, and someone as a result may be offended in their feelings. Suppose you think: in order to successfully communicate with someone, the first thing that is necessary is to achieve his friendly or fraternal location to you. In this case, you discover yourself for manipulation, and it will be the stronger, the more your need for this goodwill. In fact, you do not need the location of other people to interact with them effectively and with the benefit of business. By paraphrasing John Donna, we can say: “We, people, even if we“ cut off ”all from ourselves, will still not become completely isolated islands. But we can be remarkable peninsulas if we are sensitive to the needs of only those few people who are very close to us in our lives. ” The people with whom we communicate in the business sphere or as with authorities can change their attitude towards us constantly, but this does not prevent us from working with them, even if they do not like us. My students often objected to this point of view, saying that they do not want to create discomfort by their persistence to the waiter or seller. I usually answered something like this to their objections: “It is not clear to me. From what you say, it follows that the waiter invited you to eat for free and makes you a gift for poor service. ” Or: “It seems that the seller sacrificed all his earnings for mercy when he sold you this bicycle, in which four of ten parts work. This is true?" “Correct me if I am mistaken, but it seems to me that in this situation either a waiter or you must experience inconvenience. Who would you prefer yourself or him? " In equal relations, the lack of sympathy or goodwill from someone also does not deprive us of the opportunity to resolve the conflict. When I talked on this topic with my publisher, she formulated this problem in a few words: “People are so terribly scared if someone threatens not to love them or does not like. They become paralyzed and cannot act for their own benefits at work, friends, spouses, lover, etc. Sometimes I want to say so much: “They will never love you if you do not risk being unloved.” If the disappearance of the previous goodwill of the location to you is painful for you, which is noticeable in your behavior, then this is a strong means of influence on you, and it can be applied again. If you do not react so 6 -orally to a change in the attitude towards yourself, it becomes clear that there is no need in it as in a manipulative tool. And then such a manipulation is used less and less. If the people you are dealing with are not confident enough, they may try to manipulate you with the help of a threat to change your attitude towards you, rudely or sophisticatedly frightening that they will not love you or even abandon you. Our children's performance, on which this manipulation is based, is as follows: the people you communicate with should be located to you, otherwise they can prevent you from doing something. To survive, you must cooperate with other people. It is very important that you are loved. Examples of manipulation based on such confidence are constantly found, especially between relatives, but also in relations with authoritative figures - at work, at school. You yourself can notice that they are defenseless before this manipulation, if you immediately believe what they are hinting at, saying: “You will remember this,” “You will regret that it did.” Such statements are used when they know that we are afraid of this. When in childhood we are annoying adults or older children, they, in order to establish control of our behavior, tell us something similar: “If you do not stop it (it is implied: if you continue to nervous), Baba Yaga will take you "(Imagine:" I will not love you anymore and will not protect you from it "). If they tell you: “I remember this to you,” you feel defenseless, as in childhood, when you need the location and friendship of everyone around you to feel happiness. But it may be different. You can softly and decisively answer: "I do not understand why you need to remember this?" Or: "I don't understand, what, will you not love me anymore because of this?" It is necessary to know: it is not at all necessary that those with whom you communicate delight your behavior. You should not worry due to the fact that perhaps someone does not like it. It is very difficult for many of us to just say no in response to a question or invitation. Conscious or unconsciously, but we come to the conclusion: the other person will be very offended by our refusal. Or: To maintain friendly relations, you need 100 percent mutual agreement. This is the opinion of a person who is uncertain. And we see how it manifests itself when other people invite you to go somewhere with them. You would feel very comfortable if, as a confident person should be confident, they said simply and openly: “No, I do not want to do this this weekend. Come on another time, instead, ”you are inventing“ good ”excuses for those who invite you, are not angry, not upset and, God forbid, do not get loving you. Most of us follow this model, because they naively believe that if others will be at least a little worse treated us, we will not be able to live normally. Although generalizations, as a rule, are useless, I still want to draw the following conclusion: you cannot live in constant fear for touching the feelings of other people. We all sometimes offend each other. That's life! You have the right to be illogical in decision -making.
Logic is the course of reasoning that we use to make some kind of decision. However, not all logical statements are true. In addition, logical conclusions are not always and not in any situation can save us from reality intervention. Logic helps, when it comes to feelings, desires, aspirations. Logic and abstract reasoning are built on categories such as “yes” - “no”, black - white, all or nothing. But in real life, our desires and emotions are not amenable to such categorical assessments. We often experience conflicting feelings for something or to someone. At different times and in various circumstances, we can experience the same emotions to varying degrees, want the opposite at the same time. And here the logic is powerless. On the other hand, logic helps those people who want us to act somehow differently. If I were asked to explain to a small child what the word “logic” means, I would not be very far from the truth, saying to him: “Logic is what other people use to prove that you are wrong.” And he would understand what I had in mind. Logic is one of those external installations-standards that many people use when evaluating both their own and your behavior. Logic should not be applied to human relationships. Many of us, nevertheless, believe that they should “good” arguments to justify their desires, or goals, or actions, using logic, so that it overcame your doubts and ensures the choice of the right path. Many use logic for manipulation. The basis for such manipulations is the following belief, also made from childhood you must follow the logic, because it allows you to make the best decisions. You yourself can give many examples of manipulation using logic from your daily life. Spouses usually persuade each other that you should not do this or the other, because: “we will get tired”, or “we should get up early the next day”, or “Kuzina Mildrid should come tomorrow night”, or give hundreds of other negative consequences of intentions One of them. The manipulation is as follows: he or she, as it were, acts altruistically, logically, but in fact he simply does not admit to himself that he wants to do something else instead of what is proposed. Such manipulation with the help of logic, on the one hand, prevents possible disputes between husband and wife about the opposite of their desires, and on the other hand, forces who is manipulated, to experience his guilt for making such an illogical proposal. Even if you act logically, this does not always help to solve your problem. If you are consistent with logic, this only means that you put a certain framework for yourself: you only do what you fully understand. But the solution to your problem can often be outside the framework of the framework. 9) You have the right to say: “I don't understand.” Socrates remarked: true wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand in life, in ourselves, in the world around us. Its observation successfully characterizes one of the aspects of human existence. We are not so resourceful and susceptible to absolutely understand at least a large part of what is happening around. Nevertheless, the limitations of human abilities do not prevent us from living. Knowledge comes with experience, and our experience of communicating with other people shows that we do not always understand the intentions and desires of other people. Few of us generally know how to read other people's thoughts, no one can read other people's thoughts very well, and nevertheless, many try with the help of hints, omissions and hints forced us to do what they want. The children's conviction on which this type of manipulation is built is approximately as follows: in order to live without disagreement, you must anticipate the needs of other people and be susceptible to them. It is assumed that you already understand their needs, you do not need to talk about them. If you do not understand this, until they begin to talk about it constantly, then you are not able to live in harmony with other people, you are an irresponsible person and does not know anything.
Consequences of trouble-free behavior
Could you constantly please everyone, fulfill requests, go to the rescue? It’s unlikely... Man, of course, is a social being, but he has the desire to first satisfy HIS needs. If you are asked for a mere trifle, for example, to go to the store to buy bread, and you really want to go to the toilet, what will be more important to you at that moment: the bathroom or the store? Naturally, the first one!
It is normal for a person to have a healthy desire to satisfy their needs for air, water, food, sleep and others. Otherwise, absolute reliability will lead him to exhaustion and death. At any age, a person has a sense of his own boundaries, which sometimes need to be defended.
A striking example: a toy is taken away from a 3-year-old child, he will fight for it to the last (screaming, biting, etc.). Try again and take it without a scandal. Already at this age, without awareness, the baby defends his boundaries - protects his property.
Without boundaries, you won't be happy. If you don’t say “no” in time, you rob yourself, provoking stress, which entails such troubles as stomach ulcers, problems with the intestines and heart.
Adviсe
So, let’s move on to practice so that when you answer “no” you don’t feel guilty. Below I want to give tips that will help you find an approach to every person who needs to refuse a request.
- You need to refuse correctly. In order not to be afraid that you will offend your interlocutor by refusing, remember that beautifully and well-chosen phrases when refusing can, on the contrary, increase your authority and reputation.
- We refuse loved ones with feeling. When refusing to relatives and close people, speak softly and with regret. A person must understand your feelings in order to agree with your “no”.
- Time to think. If you're just starting to develop confidence and the habit of saying “no,” give yourself a head start—don't say the answer right away. Take a pause, for example, “I’m not ready to answer now, I’ll tell you after a while.” During this time, weigh the pros and cons. The outcome of your decision may be different, but you will be sure that you did the right thing, even if it is “yes”.
- Service fee. Not in the literal sense, although that is possible! Any communication is an exchange of resources, information, etc. If they demand something from you, ask for something, there is no shame in voicing your interest in this matter. It looks like “Ivanovich, you will owe.” At work, such a “service” can be supported by a document on additional paid services.
- Crochet tail, snout nose! We are talking about a confident refusal: people often make a typical mistake: “Sorry, but I...” This phrase is spoken in the hope that the person will appreciate your politeness. But, excuse me, he didn’t care about her, the result of his request is important to him, in other words, it’s important whether he can use you. When protecting your time and energy, you shouldn't apologize.
- Excessive kindness is harmful. You can successfully remain a kind and sympathetic person, while skillfully refusing people when necessary. Protecting your time will not allow manipulators to nullify your personal interests. Sometimes a hard barrier is required for tactless interference in your personal space.
- "No no and one more time no"! Practice pronouncing this word to especially persistent people. If you say “no” several times, they will understand that you are not to be trifled with and will learn to accept your refusal the first time.
- Be involved. Often a hard “no” actually leads to a break in a relationship. Therefore, you need to connect your charm and desire to help the person. Just help not at the expense of your time and resources. Do you feel like you can’t help, but it’s also difficult to refuse? Think about ways you can help. Offer an alternative, participation in the problem.
A firm “no”
In psychology, the ability to refuse without remorse is called assertiveness. It is this characteristic that combines confidence, participation in the problems of others and the ability to refuse. It is especially needed at work, when the boss overwhelms you with work, prys into your personal life and gives unsolicited advice.
Are you lucky in life and have just such a boss? It doesn’t matter, using the advice of a psychologist, you can build personal boundaries. Well, if the time has come to quit, and you feel that this will cause a lot of negativity, learn how to quit your job gracefully and still remain a good person.
About personal boundaries
Refusal can be polite or rude, harsh or soft, but any refusal is always a person’s response to a violation of his personal boundaries. We say “no” when we don’t want to do something, but essentially we say no when someone invades our personal space and violates our boundaries.
Article on the topic
Quarrel does not lead to good things. How to resolve contradictions without conflict
In our country, for 70 years there was no talk of any personal boundaries: everyone could poke their nose into other people’s affairs, into someone else’s family, into the upbringing of other people’s children. For this reason, the question of how to learn to defend your personal space and say “no” (and refusal is one of the ways to defend your boundaries) is currently worrying many Russians.
To learn how to refuse correctly, you first need to understand why such a problem arises in the first place. Everyone knows how to say the word “no.” But many people do not dare to say this word firmly when they need to refuse someone. What stops trouble-free people and how can you still learn to say “no” so as not to offend your interlocutor, or not to feel guilty, or to be heard and understood? First, let's try to understand what exactly prevents you from refusing.
Very often people are afraid to say “no”. This reaction is absolutely normal: people do not like to quarrel and conflict, even when they disagree with something. The explanation for this also lies in the historical and cultural characteristics of our people: proverbs constantly slip into Russian speech saying that fighting for your personal borders is bad. For example: “whoever is not with us is against us”, “together - not burdensome, but apart - at least throw it”, “one for all - all for one.” Our social structure is built vertically, and such inequality, which is expressed at all levels in the “superior-subordinate” vertical of power, also aggravates the problem of refusal: people are afraid to say “no” because it can lead to conflict.
The ability to refuse correctly is useful not only in professional, but also in everyday relationships. This skill can be learned.
A bad peace is better than a good quarrel. How to learn to live without offense? More details
Examples of refusal: phrases
So, you are fed up with everyone, and you decide to say “no” to everyone. Remember, people feel your emotions. If you speak hesitantly, this means that they can sit on your shoulders and dangle your legs. Do you speak with noticeable irritation? Most likely, this will lead to a quarrel. I want to give you some useful tactics that will help you maintain your relationship and refuse a request.
They ask you for help, and you quickly mutter: “Leave me alone, I’m in a hurry!” This is an ineffective refusal. It’s better to say: “I can’t help you now, I’m too busy,” “Thank you, it’s not worth it,” “Thank you, I’m pleased with your offer, but I don’t need it / I’m not interested in it right now.”
When the person repeats the request a second time, you can respond: “Leave me alone!” I don’t have time to talk about it now!” It may have an effect, but will the camaraderie last? No! In this case, you can answer differently: “I will repeat “no” again, since this is my decision.”
If the person turns out to be incomprehensible and does not back down, you should show a little firmness and say the phrase: “Please, no need to put pressure on me,” or apologize and leave.
Examples of polite refusal:
- If you have been asked for an impossible favor, you should first thank them for asking you. Then emphasize that you would be happy to help, but cannot. It goes something like this: “I'm glad I can be of help, this is a great offer, but I can't help you.”
- If you want to appear unshakable and you have no time to reason, answer like this: “Thanks, but no”, “No, I don’t want that”, “I have already promised the other person (if this is really the case)”, “I am now or no longer I’m doing.”
- If you are being manipulated and want to get your “yes” at any cost, use the “Permanent Refusal” technique.
Permanent refusal is a polite refusal that helps to define personal boundaries and not offend others. First, thank them for their trust and offer. Then give reasons for your “no”. Then say a firm “no” and listen to the person’s arguments. After this, repeat the requester’s arguments, adding your own in your favor, and once again say the phrase of refusal.
This technique allows you to speak clearly to the point, without making excuses, and to succinctly set your boundaries. Do not be manipulated by the person asking, you have the right to a clear explanation of what you do not want.
- Pause: “I’ll call you back within 10 minutes.”
- Don’t humiliate yourself in a conversation: “I can’t help you because I’m afraid, I’m stupid, I’m stupefied, etc.” Such phrases lead to recognition of oneself as insolvent. Why would you publicly lower your self-esteem?
Remember that the other person also has needs and has the right to ask you or someone else to meet them. He has the right to expect that you will respond positively to his request. But you have the right to decide whether to help him or not.
Advice from a psychologist on how to say NO to people correctly
If a person does not know how to say “NO,” then first you should remember that it is his right to refuse a request.
There is an algorithm for polite refusal:
- express your attitude to the essence of the request. Anything from lack of interest to irritation or regret. This way the interlocutor will already be prepared for refusal;
- voice the refusal, clearly pronounce the word “No”;
- indicate the reasons why you refuse. Whether it is the need to carry out personal matters or the lack of required knowledge to perform it is not so important;
- propose an alternative solution;
- if the interlocutor insists and tries to persuade or manipulate, listen to him and once again clearly repeat the reasons for the refusal.
Books and training
Of course, refusing correctly is a skill that needs to be learned. You can learn to say “no” on your own, or you can practice, in the form of training, build your personal boundaries and politely refuse to provide your services.
Books are wonderful helpers on the path to a useful skill. You can read about how not to offend a person with your “no” in the following sources:
- Patty Bry. Here you will see how to turn down offers of meetings, avoid rudeness from the opposite sex, not borrow money, firmly prevent the whims of children. Learn to avoid conflicts and feelings of guilt.
- Greg McKeon “Existentialism. The path to simplicity." In the book, the author describes the principle of life “less, but better.” In it you will learn how to refuse offers without offending the other person.
In addition to theory, it is also important to practice refusal phrases, especially if this is not typical for you. A great opportunity to do this is to register on the Vikium website to take the “Effective Communication” course.
By the way, Vikium is a very useful resource, where you can improve your cognitive processes: memory, attention, thinking. On the site you will find a lot of useful information and practical developmental activities.
The course “Effective Communication” is one of these. Its goal is to develop your understanding of the hidden emotions of people around you and to develop effective communication skills. Theoretical and practical material is supervised by a well-known expert on nonverbal communication, lie recognition and emotional intelligence - Oleg Kalinichev.
After completing the online intensive course, you will be able to understand your emotional reactions, manage them and not give in to panic in difficult situations. You will also notice that communication with other people has become more effective, you understand them, manage conflicts and build harmonious relationships.
