What is codependency and how is it related to alcoholism treatment?

Codependency is a dangerous psychological disorder that requires supervision by a psychotherapist. The problem can be identified by its characteristic symptoms. What to do if you notice signs of a codependent person?

Living with an alcoholic leaves an imprint on the behavior and way of thinking not only of the patient himself, but also of his family members. So, what is codependency in alcoholism, how to get rid of this problem, and what is the main danger of addictive behavior?

What is codependency in alcoholism?

Few people have heard about this problem, which is why it is important to understand in detail what codependency is. Codependency or addiction is nothing more than a form of psychological dependence that arises in relatives diagnosed with alcoholism. Codependency is usually diagnosed in the parents, wives of an alcoholic and children. Addiction can be defined by an obsessive desire to control the lifestyle and every step of a drinking person.

If at the initial stage codependency in alcoholism looks like a completely harmless desire of loving relatives to help a son, husband or brother who has gone astray, then after a while it takes on the character of total control. The main danger of addictive behavior is that relatives can completely adopt the lifestyle of a drinking person and acquire many chronic diseases. In addition, the desire to hide from annoying control further aggravates the addiction and causes a lot of scandals.

Signs of codependency

Codependency with an alcoholic is a real disease that has characteristic symptoms. Just like alcoholics, addictive people completely deny their problem, not noticing it or refusing to notice it. Addiction can be determined by the following characteristics:

• an uncontrollable desire to subordinate the life of an alcoholic to your rules. The need for constant monitoring of every step of the addict. At this stage, relatives begin to check the drinker’s pockets, correspondence, wallet and personal belongings for the presence of “stash” and money that he can drink away;
• shifting responsibility for the alcoholic onto one’s own shoulders. For example, if the husband drinks in the family, then the wife readily takes on the function of providing for the family and her husband. In this case, the patient completely loses the ability to bear responsibility for his actions;
• increasing the level of tolerance. Drunken antics are perceived by a codependent person as an ordinary way of life. With addictive behavior, a person is ready to endure theft, beatings and insults;
• tendency to depression and tearfulness. A codependent loses the meaning of life; he does not notice the joyful events happening around him. Become an alcoholic. The codependent has thoughts of suicide more and more often.

During such pathological relationships, the codependent ceases to take care of himself. He may think about breaking up with an alcoholic, but rarely makes this promise a reality.

Codependency with an alcoholic is a real disease that has characteristic symptoms

Treatment of alcoholism should begin with treatment of codependency in his relatives. This is a fairly serious mental illness, which is no less dangerous than addiction to alcohol or other substances.

Codependency concept

The appearance of an alcoholic in a family affects all its members. Everyone suffers from the behavior of a drunkard, but spouses usually bear the brunt of it. Since codependency is predominantly experienced by non-drinking women, the condition was given the name “alcoholic’s wife syndrome.” Men are less tolerant of discomfort and pressure, so they are much less likely to find themselves in such a situation.

Important! The concept of “wife” is relative. In her place there could be any other relative or close person

A characteristic feature of the condition is considered to be a strong preoccupation with the codependent problem of the drinking person. This is expressed in the desire to protect the drunkard from worries, to eliminate the consequences of his drinking bouts so that he does not notice them. People with codependency admit the possibility of alcoholism affecting the family.

In such cases, life begins to revolve only around the drinking person. He is courted and justified both to himself and to the people around him. The desire to hide what is happening is associated with the desire not to wash dirty linen in public, to maintain peace in the house, but this critically interferes with the possibility of treating an alcoholic. Eliminating the consequences of drinking leads to the fact that the addict does not think about responsibility for his own behavior.

Although alcoholism has become one of the most common problems in Russia, the concept of codependency remains new. According to statistics, every second family in which someone suffers from drunkenness faces it. Despite the seriousness of the situation, it remains poorly addressed. Help for codependent wives of alcoholics has only recently begun to spread.

The influence of the codependent

The development of codependency affects both the person himself and the alcoholic next to him. The life of a sick person centers on the drunkard. Often, as a result of such insanity, a woman forgets not only about herself, but also about her children. Over time, a person adapts to addiction, his personal significance and dignity disappear.

Codependents try to protect the drunkard from external influences, since they consider him to be the cause of the current situation. For example, a wife does not allow her husband to go to work, since stress due to the workload will lead to drinking, or does not allow him to go to friends, since they are bad company. A woman may not allow a drunkard to see her children so that they do not upset him. The addict himself actively takes advantage of the situation and feels comfortable.

The opinion that alcoholics do not understand what is happening around them is wrong. They are skilled manipulators, capable of turning any situation in their favor. The presence of a codependent drunkard is used as a cover and justification for their problem. A common situation is in which an alcoholic blames another for allowing him to drink. Responsibility for the situation falls on the shoulders of the codependent.

If the “wife” makes a scandal or tries to convey to her husband in some other way the fact that there is a problem, accusations will be made in response to this. Later, the alcoholic uses the fact of the quarrel to justify another impulse to drink. He will state that his loved ones “brought him to this point themselves.” One of the characteristic features of a codependent is the use of the pronoun “we”. When the phrase “he couldn’t quit” changes to “we’ve already tried everything,” the alcoholic mentally shifts responsibility to someone else, and he himself distances himself even more from the problem.

Features of codependency

People prone to addictive behavior have the following characteristics:

• low self-esteem. Due to this, all the actions of codependents are aimed not at themselves, but at solving the problems of others;
• dependence on the opinions of surrounding people. Codependents do not tolerate criticism as well as compliments. Any negative statement can cause a flurry of aggression in them, and a compliment causes embarrassment;
• increased feeling of guilt. Such people believe that they are not trying hard, and any deterioration is their fault. They feel guilty for their loved one’s addiction.

In addition to the above, the codependent is betrayed by a compulsive desire to control the lives of the people around him. Such people are completely confident that they know exactly what others need. In this case, persuasion, threats and even hysterics can be used. A codependent has a special psychology, and also has a strong desire to take care of others, and this care is expressed in obsession. As a result of codependency, the risk of suicide increases for both the dependent and codependent relatives.

Types

Codependency in alcoholism and drug addiction most often occurs among close people (relatives) of a chemically dependent person, in most cases living with him in the same area.

Codependent individuals most often include:

• parents of minors or adults with alcoholism or drug addiction;
• spouses (most often the wife);
• persons related to a chemically dependent person not by kinship, but by serious love relationships (bride and groom);
• brothers and sisters.

Trying to initially adapt to the problem that has arisen, codependents gradually abandon their own interests, goals and activities, directing all their energy to helping a loved one suffering from drug addiction or alcoholism, trying to constantly control his actions in order to prevent a possible negative outcome.

Depending on the type of chemical dependence, the following differ:

Codependency in alcoholism

Characterized by a mirror image of the behavior of the sick person. Completely immersed in thoughts about an alcoholic spouse, a wife (or husband) completely isolates himself from the rest of the world, ceasing to care about his own desires and needs.

Attempts to protect the patient from drunkenness degenerate into constant control. In an effort to constantly prevent a loved one from drinking alcohol, a codependent quickly loses control over his life, communication with other relatives (including his small children), workplace and friends.

To give up a bad habit, threats, persuasion, and psychological pressure are used, which further aggravates the patient’s condition, while simultaneously causing an ardent protest, manifested by increased consumption of alcoholic beverages

If there is no result, the codependent takes full responsibility for the life and actions of the alcoholic, treating him like a small child.

Codependency in drug addiction

A very common phenomenon, based on the harsh manipulation of the addict and the constant provocation of feelings of guilt in loved ones.

This type has three successive stages that the addict’s codependent loved ones go through:

Can an alcoholic have real feelings?

Due to the peculiarities of the psyche and worldview, alcoholics are not capable of full-fledged, mature relationships. As a result, they gradually develop dissatisfaction with any relationship. Let's find out whether an alcoholic can love a woman?

For clarity, we can consider the family relationships of an alcoholic using a specific example. A man suffering from alcohol addiction married a completely healthy girl. In the first few months or even years, their relationship was in the romantic stage. After its completion, the woman wanted further development of the family, setting goals, having a child, but the man’s needs remained at the same level, namely, alcohol remained his priority. As a result, scandals and misunderstandings arise in the family on this basis, since the woman wants the man to learn to take responsibility. In turn, the husband begins to blame his wife, trying to shift all his responsibility onto her. Usually such relationships are doomed to failure from the very beginning.

Read also: Is it possible to drink non-alcoholic beer while on antibiotics?

So, we can say that alcoholics can fall in love, but such relationships will initially be weak. As for the question of whether an alcoholic is capable of love, family relationships and general development in a relationship with an addicted person are impossible.

Codependency treatment

Treatment of codependency is the first step towards ridding a relative of alcoholism and restoring one’s own inner world. So, how to get rid of codependency? Treatment begins with attending classes with a psychotherapist. In addition, therapy includes the following techniques and tips:

• First of all, you need to understand that you can make mistakes;
• secondly, it is important to learn to take responsibility solely for your actions. Do not forget that the addict is an adult who must bear his own responsibility;
• thirdly, you need to learn to live your own life, start hobbies and new acquaintances.

Resources for recovery can be taken from the following points:

• anonymous meetings of people with similar problems;
• psychotherapist;
• special literature;
• proper organization of your own free time.

Treatment for codependency is the first step towards recovery.

Treatment of codependency in a wife

Advice to the wife of an alcoholic will help her cope with the problem in a short time and normalize her own life. Treatment of codependency in a wife should follow the following algorithm:

• contacting a psychotherapist for personal consultation and identifying the cause that caused this condition;
• development of methods for overcoming codependency;
• lifestyle adjustments. For example, you can sign up for any courses or start spending more time with your children;
• it is important to stop supporting your spouse financially;
• If your spouse gives up, you should at least temporarily move away from him to live with your parents, friends, or rent your own home.

No matter how hard it may be, the wife of an alcoholic must give her drinking husband complete freedom and the opportunity to take responsibility for his own actions. Only in this case can you overcome codependency on your alcoholic husband.

How can a husband get out of codependency?

The way out of a husband’s codependency is no different from the method described above. You can help yourself only after you manage to understand that each person should be responsible only for himself. A wife's alcoholism is not her husband's fault. A psychotherapist can help you deal with the situation.

Breaking out of sibling codependency

In this case, codependency on an alcoholic is complicated by the fact that it is impossible to divorce your relatives; they will always be in your life. It is important to be realistic and understand that alcoholism is a serious disease that will not go away on its own. In addition, you should heed the following tips:

• get rid of guilt;
• stop trusting the alcoholic and provide him with money for urgent needs;
• let go of control;
• do not try to “drag” an alcoholic into treatment against his will.

Treatment

Treatment of codependency mainly involves psychotherapeutic methods - mastering the skills of healthy relationships within the family, that is, learning how to express your feelings towards loved ones.

But it is important to understand that a therapist will offer treatment, but people suffering from codependency often resist it. This is a characteristic feature of such pathology, it will have to be overcome

In each case, the psychologist’s advice will be individual, depending on the specific situation.

Awareness of the problem

One of the most important problems. Some experts believe that this identification of codependency addresses the patients' pain points, but does not bring them relief.

Those close to the drinker are constantly tormented by emotional distress. In order to ask a specialist to help get rid of codependency, they must recognize the problem. After all, if a person cannot recognize his own mental anguish, sooner or later he will find another way to suppress mental pain. And it’s not a fact that everything will end well for him.

Attendance at a psychological support group

The important thing here is to find a group that is led by a professional. They discuss problems that are relevant to codependent people, debates and discussions can be practiced, etc.

That is, people understand that they are not alone, there are others facing exactly the same difficulties.

The format and frequency of meetings in such groups may be different; you need to choose the option that is most convenient for the patient.

Help from a psychotherapist and narcologist

Treatment of the patient himself is usually carried out in a hospital setting, but for codependent people, outpatient treatment methods are most often used, since inpatient therapy for the disease is still undeveloped in Russia.

Each of the described methods of assistance plays its role in the overall process. Ideally, they are applied in a comprehensive manner so that they represent an overall recovery plan. In practice, this does not yet work, and psychotherapists and narcologists most often prescribe treatment independently of each other.

Stages of codependency therapy

Treatment of codependency occurs in several stages:

1. Survival. At this time, the person denies that he has problems. He retains the illusion that such over-concern for the alcoholic is his good will, and not the result of manipulation.
2. Re-identification. At this stage, there is a chance to shake the defense system of a codependent person. But by this time he often manages to lose his job and friends.
3. Working with key problems. It is necessary to completely reconsider the current way of life, which is very difficult for most codependents.
4. Reintegration. Personality restoration occurs, a codependent person can accept himself as he is.

Everyone's recovery process occurs at an individual pace. The duration of the stages may also vary. Much depends on a person’s temperament, his ability to work with his feelings. Helps in treating codependency:

• keeping a diary (it is not necessary to show it to the psychotherapist);
• meditation and yoga, and in the latter case there is no need to completely adopt the philosophy of this practice, the physical exercises it offers are enough;
• work with various psychological techniques (mirror method);
• creativity therapy.

An experienced psychotherapist will be able to tell you more about these programs. Such specialists usually have their own interesting developments.

List of books on the topic of codependency

In order to have a more complete understanding of the problem, you can read the following books:

• "Women Who Love Too Much" and "Should You Be a Slave of Love" by Robin Norwood;
• "Liberation from Codependency" by Berry and Generr Whitehold;
• “Marilyn Monroe Syndrome” by E. McAvoy;
• "The Illusion of Love" by David Selani.

This is not a complete list. On the Internet you can find a lot of interesting works from foreign and domestic experts.

How to get rid of codependency from an alcoholic

In families affected by alcoholism, everyone suffers. The entire familiar and so strong world is changing, becoming unpredictable and fragile. Change does not happen immediately. After all, it sometimes takes many years for alcoholism to develop. But, if one of the family members begins to regularly abuse alcoholism, trouble will come, sooner or later.

Everyone in childhood was taught the ability to sympathize with the sick and care for them. But sometimes good intentions pave the “road to hell.” In the case of an alcohol addict, sympathy can do much more harm than good. There is a risk that some household members will develop codependency due to alcoholism, how to get rid of this syndrome, and why is it dangerous?

Attitude to the problem

How does an alcoholic relate to the fact of his alcoholism? There are several different options possible here.

1. Absolute denial. A person does not want to admit that he has not just a problem, but a problem of such impressive proportions. Everything is supposedly normal for him; he doesn’t think there’s anything to worry about. He tells his friends, his parents, his wife that nothing is happening. It is very difficult to convince him to start taking at least some actions, because he does not know why to take them.
2. Partial denial. A person understands that he sometimes drinks alcohol - but considers his hobby quite harmless. He is confident that he can handle the problem. You just need to make an effort and you can forget about the problem. But, of course, this is nothing more than an illusion.
3. Exaggerating the problem. This happens less often, but that’s why it’s still more unusual. The person honestly declares that he is an alcoholic, and even in an extremely advanced stage. And he has no idea how to recover from this. Well, since he cannot be cured, what can he do but continue to drink heavily? A very convenient excuse.

What is alcohol codependency?

This term was released in the 70s of the 20th century. Psychologists have applied this designation to individuals who have ruined their own lives due to the presence of alcohol addicts in their environment .

If there is an alcoholic in the family, the likelihood of developing alcohol codependency is extremely high. Women are especially at risk.

Loving wives and caring mothers certainly want to help loved ones in this trouble. And sometimes they completely dissolve in the troubles of the alcohol addict, devoting themselves to caring for him. As a result, alcoholic codependency subjugates their lives, bringing great suffering. Getting rid of such a syndrome is often more difficult than overcoming alcoholism.

Alcohol codependency is a condition based on behavioral disorders. It is characterized by the development of complete dependence on the drinking person, and this behavior affects all aspects of the personality:

Codependent people are completely subordinate to the actions, mood and behavior of an alcoholic. They devote their existence to saving the patient, while ceasing to control their own behavior, feelings and emotions. The patient himself plays a major role in the development of the syndrome.

An alcoholic skillfully manipulates people who care about him and show pity. He may blame them for his misfortune and problems. It is very difficult to cope with alcohol addiction on your own, and when loved ones fail, they begin to suffer, blaming themselves for helplessness, ruining their own lives .

How does the syndrome manifest?

To understand how to get rid of codependency from an alcoholic, you need to know everything about this situation. In particular, is such a development of events really present in your life. The presence of this syndrome is indicated by the following signs:

1. Development of a depressive state up to the appearance of suicidal thoughts.
2. Ignoring personal needs, loss of control over one’s destiny and the course of life.
3. The emergence of a high degree of tolerance for all the antics of a drunk, his aggression, scandals and even assault.
4. Change in emotional state. The appearance of apathy, tearfulness, obsessive ideas and thoughts develop.
5. A constant feeling of anxiety, and anxiety is present in any situation, even when there is no reason to worry.
6. As the feeling of guilt develops, the codependent person begins to believe that the person drinks solely because of him, this leads to a drop in his own self-esteem.
7. Severing relationships with friends, isolating your family. Now all visits to guests and invitations to home are canceled due to fear that the alcoholic will somehow behave incorrectly.
8. Sacrifice. The codependent tells everyone how hard it is for him, how sorry he is for the alcoholic. But when given advice to leave or get a divorce, a completely opposite reaction, based on pity, instantly manifests itself.
9. Increased desire to care for and control the patient. The result is the formation of complete irresponsibility in the alcoholic, he loses the ability to take any independent actions.

Read also: What to add to alcohol to make a person fall asleep

Such codependent relationships in an alcoholic family are understandable and have a logical basis. They are based and formed on the existing defensive reaction, which is based on a high desire to help a loved one who suffers from alcoholism.

When natural manifestations of pity and the desire to help are constant and exaggerated, they turn from care into a dangerous pathology, making the existence of such a person simply unbearable.

But the alcohol addict himself is quite happy with this situation. After all, all his drunken antics now receive favorable conditions that allow him to continue drinking with impunity. Women are more susceptible to alcohol codependency due to their natural character traits . But not all of them become codependent.

Psychological model of behavior

Psychologists, considering this problem, explain the development of alcohol codependency on a person’s behavioral model. It is based on the following definitions: victim – persecutor – savior. How to understand this? The syndrome is formed on one of the three listed basic motives.

1. Victim. Such a person experiences pleasure and satisfaction from the pity he feels from others. In this case, friends and relatives play the role of a “waterproof vest,” listening to the codependent’s endless complaints about the difficulty of living with an alcoholic and constantly sympathizing with them.
2. Pursuer. And in this case, the relative is obsessed with the indestructible idea of ​​curing the drunkard. Moreover, a person achieves this through intimidation or even physical violence.
3. Savior. Here the person imagines that without her participation the patient simply will not survive, that he needs salvation. Only now real help from a codependent comes in minimal doses and solely for the purpose of making the alcoholic more and more dependent on the “savior”

This picture clearly indicates that both people need treatment - both the alcoholic and the codependent. Moreover, a person with this syndrome should understand that alcoholism is a severe, chronic pathology. And it cannot be dealt with with sympathy and pity alone.

This disease requires long-term drug treatment. Well, the suffering relative also needs help in the form of psychological consultation. This person needs to work through and change his own pattern of behavior and establish a completely different relationship with the alcoholic.

Risk group

Not all people are susceptible to this syndrome. The presence of certain character traits plays an important role in the development of codependency. In particular:

• weak will;
• high feelings of guilt;
• low self-esteem;
• the desire to live by inertia;
• fear of changing something in your life;
• suffering from intimate disorders;
• predisposition to pessimism, depression;
• the desire to constantly suppress one’s own emotionality.

This pathological concern and pity for the alcoholic, in which the person literally dissolves, are all the main and distinctive signs of the syndrome . This behavior differs from natural care by a number of clearly visible characteristic signs, such as:

• anxiety;
• impulsiveness;
• emotionality;
• irrationality.

Marriages with alcoholics are the strongest. Psychologist about codependency and healthy relationships

Psychologist Anastasia Kim told Omsk Here what to do if you have a codependent relative in your family and what factors can influence the development of this pathological condition in a person.

— What is codependency? How common is this phenomenon in our country and in the world as a whole?

- Let's look at the word itself - codependency. It has a prefix - co-, which means “joining”. If we take the word literally, it will be interpreted as “attached dependence.” In general, codependency is a pathological desire for another person who has an addiction: alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc. Based on my work experience, I can say that codependency is the progenitor of all addictions.

If you answer the question of what types of complaints most often come to a psychologist, then about 95% are addiction and codependency. This is due, among other things, to the situation in the country. There are many people in Russia who suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction.

I would also like to note an interesting point: workaholism is a socially acceptable form of addiction. But at the same time, children who are raised in families of workaholics suffer from attention deficit no less than children who are raised in families of alcoholics and drug addicts.

If we talk about other countries, in the USA, for example, much attention is paid to codependency. There are groups in which people work on themselves and get rid of this illness, this is very common. I can say with confidence that codependency progresses in those countries where dysfunctional families are common. If people have to survive, then children in such situations fade into the background, the number of divorces increases, and the level of codependency, of course, increases. I can safely assume that in those countries where there is a clear family structure and a distribution of roles between men and women, this phenomenon is less common. We are talking about eastern countries.

If we talk about our country and why codependency flourishes in our country, modern culture and media make a big contribution here. Take films, songs, music videos - many of them contain propaganda of illegal substances, alcohol, and unhealthy relationships. There are few works about healthy love in culture; toxic, unhealthy relationships are mostly cultivated. This is all deposited in the subconscious of children, and over time it seems that this is the norm, that love and pain are closely related, although this is absolutely not the case.

— How is codependency formed? What risk factors for its development exist?

— Codependency is formed from birth, and if nothing is done about it, it progresses throughout life. If we talk about factors, the first one is genetic predisposition. If there were once people with addictions in your family on your mom’s or dad’s side, then the risk that one of your offspring will also have addiction or codependency increases. The second factor is single-parent families and families with relatives who suffer from addiction. The third is low self-esteem. The fourth factor is indifference to raising a child. This happens for various reasons, but the main one is that people are tired at work, they worry that they may be left without income, and in this case there is practically no time left to raise their own children.

I would like to note the historical “component” that exists in our country: during the war years, men were at the front, and women carried the entire burden of everyday worries, and this “gene of strong women” lives in us, and it is difficult to say when it will degenerate.

And, of course, the formation of codependency is influenced by the fact that people often get married when they are emotionally immature. A person must be able to take care of himself in order to be ready to take responsibility for others. It is worth noting that women are more susceptible to codependency.

- Why women? Does it happen that men become codependent?

— If we take men and women as 100%, then, as a rule, women suffer from codependency in 97% of cases. This phenomenon occurs in men, but is extremely rare. In practice, there are cases when husbands, fathers, brothers refer their relatives to rehabilitation, and go to groups for codependents. This is primarily due to male psychology. Men are less emotional and rational. Since dependence is emotional, it is more difficult for them to fall into codependency. In society they say that men don’t cry, so many of them are afraid to express their feelings, they don’t show what’s in their hearts, and they become dependent - drink alcohol, use illegal substances, start gambling, or develop sexaholism.

— How can you understand on your own that you are a codependent? What stages of codependency exist?

— Doing this on your own is difficult, even almost impossible. Usually, understanding begins to come when a person is faced with some painful circumstances: he begins to lose health, he begins to experience depression, panic attacks, suicide attempts and colossal problems with his partner.

One of the sure signs is when your loved ones, family and friends start saying: “What are you doing? You are in the wrong relationship, think about yourself.” This is a very important call. But most girls, after watching enough films and TV series, think like this: “Me and him, we are against the whole world, we can handle it, I will help him, with my love I will create a miracle.” But everything continues again.

There are three main stages of codependency. At an early stage , the partners are just starting to get to know each other, and everyone is trying to present themselves in the best light. It is much easier to immediately show who you are, rather than “stand on tiptoe,” because it is very difficult to do this for a long time. In the end, a person still has to reveal himself. At the first stage, a girl should listen to herself and her feelings: in addition to euphoria and love towards her partner, a feeling of pity may arise. This is the first step - the desire to help, to save. But one must distinguish between pity and sympathy. The latter is when you and your partner are on equal terms, you sympathize with him, you say that he will cope with everything and sometimes unpleasant things happen, but there is no desire to compensate for this situation. And with pity, the partner becomes, as it were, lower than you, and you no longer show him a partner’s love, but a mother’s love.

Gradually, a codependent person gives up his interests because he needs to constantly help his partner. That is, the girl communicates less often with her friends, stops going to the gym, to some courses, forgets about everything she used to do, and shifts all focus to her partner. Often the mood is synchronized - if a man’s mood is spoiled, then the woman will also be sad.

What happens next? At the middle stage, the codependent partner begins to deny. This mechanism is characteristic of any addiction and codependency as well. Downplaying of the problem begins. A partner may steal money, and the codependent begins to say: “Well, the amount is not that big, he will return it.”

The girl begins to rationalize everything, to explain to herself the motives for her partner’s behavior. There may be a situation when a guy gets into a fight at some holiday, and the girl tries to justify him for herself: “He mixed alcohol and drugs, that’s why this situation happened.” And this doesn’t scare her at all. This is how denial works.

A girl may also begin to compare her relationships with other people’s and reason: “Well, my friend’s husband uses drugs every day, but mine does it only on weekends, there’s nothing supernatural about that.” The following phenomenon occurs: maintaining the façade of a “happy couple.” A girl, being in a codependent relationship, wants to show with all her appearance that everything is fine in their family, and, as a result, begins to hide some facts of her partner’s negative behavior. An important signal: the emergence of feelings of guilt. It begins to seem that the man is using and behaving this way because of my behavior. The codependent begins to build a relationship: “If I had been more patient, he would have behaved differently. If I had prepared the food on time, my partner would have been more accommodating.”

At the third stage, a codependent person experiences depression and panic attacks. The codependent's whole life begins to revolve around the addict because he needs help and control.

— Often relatives do not understand why their friend/acquaintance/sister lives with an addicted person, and does not leave him and save herself. How does a codependent person’s psyche begin to work? Why can't a person realize what he is doing wrong? What mechanisms are included?

— A codependent person has a predisposition to this. In the soul of a codependent person there is initially an emptiness that needs to be filled. And he, like a hungry person who eats everything indiscriminately just to get enough, begins to communicate and easily enters into difficult, toxic relationships. And then the following happens. Let me give you an example of my favorite parable about a frog: if you throw it into boiling water, it will jump out, but if you gradually heat the water, the frog will not notice the increase in temperature and will boil in boiling water. The same thing happens with a codependent person: gradually tolerance grows. In codependent relationships there is an obsession: the codependent sees only his partner.

- Can this be considered a mental disorder?

— According to the international classification of diseases, codependency is classified as a mental disorder, but for this you need to contact a psychiatrist so that he can accurately diagnose and prescribe therapy. But codependents usually don’t turn anywhere. They are not aware of the actions they commit.

— What to do if you see that a loved one is in a codependent relationship? Can he get out of them on his own?

- If a person begins to undergo therapy, then it is possible to recover. It is almost impossible to pull yourself out of a codependent relationship and such a state on your own. Relatives may try to talk with the codependent; it is important not to put pressure on the person and try to carefully provide information about codependency: send a link to an article, a website about codependency, recommend help from a psychologist or work in groups. Awareness of the disease does not come to everyone. Women who live in families with alcoholics often do not listen to the recommendations of specialists and doctors and, most likely, continue to be in these relationships unknowingly. They don't perceive information. It’s not for nothing that they say that marriages with alcoholics are the strongest.

— The difference between healthy and codependent relationships?

- It is quite logical that in order to build them, both partners must be healthy. In a healthy relationship, constructive conversation can be built, while in a codependent relationship, exclusively manipulative communication predominates. Healthy relationships contain joy, love, respect, trust, understanding; toxic relationships contain pain, fear, resentment, guilt, and so on. In codependent relationships, partners are not equal, a vertical is built: someone is a victim, someone is a rescuer, and in adequate relationships, partners push each other to develop.

There are three outcomes for a couple in a toxic relationship: either they break up, they stay at the same level of development, or they both recover. It can take about three years to get rid of codependency.

— If a person leaves such a relationship, is there a risk of getting into it again? What should you not allow to avoid slipping into codependency?

“There is a risk, and a very big one.” Paradox: a woman who has been in a difficult relationship should not make mistakes. But if she does not work on herself, she unconsciously finds herself a partner who will be the same as the previous one. In order not to slip into codependency, you need to monitor your condition, if possible - go to a psychologist, read literature to understand what is happening to you. You need to keep the focus on yourself, develop different areas of your life, and make it fulfilling. You need to love yourself.

The dangers of alcohol codependency

At the moment, there is no consensus in medicine whether this syndrome is considered a separate disease. After all, codependent people do not exhibit any mental or somatic disorders. But in the behavior of such a person obvious behavioral violations are clearly observed, which does not give her the right to be considered a completely healthy person.

As the syndrome grows, its symptoms become more pronounced. This situation is very dangerous with negative consequences. In advanced cases, it becomes the culprit in the development of mental illnesses and somatic pathologies . Another danger is the fact that very often relatives themselves begin to drink with the alcoholic. The danger also lies in the risk of developing many sad situations.

1. Problems in the work team.
2. Complete social disorientation.
3. Inability and inability to feel joy in life.
4. Creating an unbearable, painful family environment.
5. Difficulties in communicating with other people, loss of friendly connections.
6. Loss of interest in everything around you that goes beyond your own family.

The syndrome poses a danger not only to family members, but also to the alcoholic himself. This situation simply interferes with normal, adequate treatment and does not allow a person to recover from the disease. Therefore, it is imperative to get rid of this unhealthy syndrome as soon as possible.

What to do with alcohol codependency

To overcome a dangerous condition, you should know how to behave with an alcoholic. And no matter how sorry a person is, understand that in this situation you need to act decisively and sometimes ruthlessly. Treating alcohol addiction with home methods is controversial and ineffective. Qualified drug addiction specialists can help in this matter.

As for the situation when codependency has already appeared and dictates its terms, an experienced psychotherapist or psychologist can cope with it . But you can try to cope with the syndrome on your own. And the first thing to do is to start treatment for an alcoholic.

The best and guaranteed result of treating alcoholism is provided by a coding method and a course of drug treatment. If the patient refuses treatment voluntarily, permission for compulsory therapy must be obtained with the help of the court.

It is still better to overcome an unpleasant syndrome with the help of a good psychologist. A specialist, based on personality characteristics, can prescribe the following methods of therapy:

• individual psychological sessions;
• learning ways to deal with your own stress conditions;
• group classes where communication takes place with patients who have the same problem;
• assistance in learning techniques that help achieve inner harmony and tranquility;
• joint examination of family problems in order to understand them and see them in a different way, which is useful in developing the correct manner of behavior with a domestic alcoholic.

What can you do?

First you need to reassess what is happening. It is important to understand who is truly a victim, and who is just the cause of a problem that, in theory, should not exist. The wife must start with herself. She must firmly understand that:

• she should not indulge her husband, and it does not matter whether he is a tyrant or simply dependent;
• she should not share his passion, even for noble purposes;
• you absolutely cannot buy him alcohol, you absolutely cannot let your husband have a hangover;
• you absolutely cannot give up your needs and desire to live for your own pleasure in order to instead devote your life to the ridiculous struggle for the rehabilitation of this man who does not respect his wife;
• you can’t make your life, in which there are so many possibilities, just a pitiful addition to this parody of life that is inherent in an alcohol addict - you can’t live like that, especially when there are all the opportunities to live much better;
• When it comes to an adult, alcoholism is a voluntarily acquired disease that appears as a result of conscious actions and which requires no less voluntary and conscious actions in order to be cured.

So the best thing a wife can do in this case is to simply pull herself together and make the right decision, even if it is difficult, unusual and goes against her foundations, which she formed during the time she was married. Yes, leaving, getting a divorce is not easy, divorce is a difficult test, but perhaps it is still worth it, instead of living like this?

Useful tips

If you have diagnosed yourself with this syndrome, you should do everything to free yourself from this condition. An experienced psychotherapist will be of great help in this. But it would be useful to arm yourself with some important recommendations.

1. Learn to shift away from caring about the drinker. You can’t focus only on his problem. A more interesting job, a new hobby or hobby can help with this.
2. Realize that there really is a problem. Remember that if a person does not understand and is not aware of a certain problem, he will not be able to get rid of it. Be sure to analyze your behavior towards the drinking person in a calm environment.
3. Learn self-control. Know that your own moods, feelings and emotions should not depend on the behavior of an alcohol addict. In this regard, it is extremely important to learn to overcome the obsessive desire to help the patient. You should not constantly interfere and try to strictly control the treatment process. Experienced narcologists do an excellent job of this. And instead of constant worry, take care of yourself.

Treatment of such a syndrome is often carried out with simultaneous therapy of the alcohol addict himself. This dual approach significantly increases therapeutic effectiveness . At the same time, the efforts of doctors are aimed at separating the existing unhealthy connection between the alcoholic and the codependent.

In case of successful treatment, the benefit comes to both - the alcoholic gets a chance for a second sober life, and the codependent again becomes a self-sufficient and self-confident person. And this is very important, because a person treated for alcoholism can relapse. And in this case, a strong and self-confident person comes to the rescue, which will bring much more benefit than a codependent one.

Read also: Feeling guilty after drinking alcohol

Problems and difficulties

Scandals, emotional stress, accusations and often fights are all consequences of alcoholism. A family in crisis has many contradictions. A codependent person has problems:

1. Anxiety, discomfort;
2. Emotional disorders;
3. Lack of effect from previous ways of interacting with a family member who drinks;
4. Decreased satisfaction from the process that family relationships bring;
5. There is a feeling of hopelessness in the efforts being made to change the situation;
6. A codependent person cannot always discover new ways out of such relationships;
7. Constant hope that the drinker will improve or be healed, so those around him begin to behave differently;
8. Social isolation of the family due to the need to hide the problem of alcoholism;
9. Increased conflicts in the family, increasing negative emotions and contradictions;
10. Destruction of family traditions, culture and other values. At the same time, trust relationships are destroyed.

Read: Main causes of alcoholism among the population

Hell of a life with a drinking man

An alcoholic is distinguished by the fact that he has a strong destructive effect on those people who surround him. His behavior largely contradicts the expectations of his family and friends, so the reaction from those around him is as follows: at first it is resentment, irritation, depression and apathy. It gets to the point where the emotions of family members are greatly distorted. As a rule, the attitude of a codependent person does not help the alcoholic, but destroys the family .

Codependent family members, as a rule, are embarrassed by the fact that among them there is a person suffering from alcoholism. They are concerned about the opinions of others. Therefore, a vicious circle is revealed, and the family becomes sensitive towards others.

How to get rid of codependency in alcoholism?

Life next to an alcoholic turns into a nightmare. Endless quarrels, fights, reproaches, calls to the police, binges. You always wonder in what condition your loved one will arrive. Even the strongest organism cannot be constantly in nervous tension. People who live next to a drinker begin to experience codependency. What it is? Alcohol codependency is a psychological condition. With codependency, everything is subject to the desires and whims of the alcoholic. They insult him, justify drunken antics in front of strangers, and solve problems. If you have codependency due to alcoholism, how to get rid of it? Let's try to figure it out.

Signs of codependency

There are 8 signs of codependency. In a family where even 2 signs are present, this dependence is already present. How it manifests itself:

1. The presence in the speech of the spouse, children, and parents of an alcoholic includes phrases such as “we tried everything,” “nothing helps us.”
2. Total control is established over the alcoholic. Everyday checking of pockets, bags, phone, endless questions about the location.
3. Increased feelings of anxiety or even panic.
4. Fear of reproach from friends, neighbors, and surrounding society.
5. Making decisions for a drinking family member.
6. Excessive pity for a drinker (“he will die without me,” “who else but me”). After demonstratively calling the police during a scandal, the codependent then takes the alcoholic from the station.
7. Fear of loneliness.
8. Violent display of emotions. A codependent person may pour out alcohol in front of the drinker; screaming that he will leave if he doesn’t stop drinking.

These tactics of codependent behavior will not lead to the expected result. People who have the above symptoms will only make their home environment worse. Let's figure out what awaits such a family.

Causes of codependency

In a family where there is an alcoholic, there will definitely be at least one child prone to codependency. Often a girl whose father drank later marries a man, and over time he also becomes an alcoholic. Children with overbearing and unemotional parents often have low self-esteem. And this is one of the main reasons for codependency.

The social factor also plays a big role. Traditions and religions often take the side of men, even alcoholics. From childhood, girls are taught that she must endure and humble herself. Leaving someone in trouble is bad. You can't be selfish. The family must be preserved at any cost.

Fear of condemnation becomes the cause of codependency for many women who do not dare to break off unhealthy relationships. The mother surrounds her alcoholic son with guardianship because she feels sorry for him.

They blame a loved one and convince them that it was he who caused the drunkenness. This also leads to codependency in spouses or parents. The desire to help, to feel sorry, to feel guilty - women are more prone to this.

Consequences of codependency

It is important to remember a simple truth: codependency in alcoholism will not reduce the craving for the bottle. It only contributes to the progression of the disease. A drinking family member who sees such behavior from loved ones only further decreases their self-esteem. The inability to make decisions for oneself due to the hypercontrol of a codependent person will only lead to more alcohol consumption. It's more convenient to live this way!

Important! If you do not fight codependency, then such a family will sooner or later cease to exist.

The state of codependency not only aggravates the problem with drunkenness, but also leads to nervous exhaustion of the codependent person himself. He is in nervous tension all the time. Constant screaming, quarrels, scandals lead to exhaustion!

Self-esteem is rapidly falling. Disappointment in one's abilities sets in. After all, progress does not come. Codependent women experience the bad wife, worthless mother syndrome.

Prolonged stress leads to the development of psychosomatic diseases:

• migraine;
• poor sleep;
• spasms of muscles and blood vessels;
• dysfunction of internal organs;
• hypertension;
• problems with the cardiovascular system.

Since alcohol codependency is a psychological condition, its solution is in the person’s head. There are no medications or physical treatments for this disease.

What to do if you have codependency? The most important step in getting rid of codependency is recognizing this dependence. Usually, like an alcoholic, a codependent does not see any deviations in his behavior. He considers this his normal state or way of life.

After a person realizes and accepts his codependency, he needs qualified psychological help:

• individual visits to a psychologist;
• mastering methods of self-control;
• mastering anti-stress skills;
• review of family problems. A codependent person must see his problem from the outside, understand how to behave with an alcohol-dependent family member;
• communication with other codependent people. This is where group sessions are helpful.

How to fight and not retreat

After completing a course of treatment with a psychologist or during it, be sure to adhere to the following rules:

1. Get rid of guilt. Often the drinker blames his loved ones for his addiction.
2. Remember: alcoholism is a disease. Don’t believe it if a drinker promises to quit tomorrow.
3. Get rid of total control. Do not follow, do not demonstratively pour out the contents of the bottle, do not take money. This is a waste of energy and time! The drunkard will only begin to cheat, not bring his salary home, and drink outside the home.
4. Do not solve the problems of a drinker. Let him begin to answer for actions committed in a drunken stupor. Don’t wash dirty clothes, don’t pay off debts, don’t let them out of the police station, don’t cover for absences from work. This creates additional comfort and aggravates the unfortunate habit!
5. Do not treat alcoholism at home. Only specialized medical care can cure this disease!
6. Be realistic. The problem of alcoholism will not go away on its own. We need to act together!
7. Love yourself. There is no need for unnecessary sacrifices. Don't waste your life fighting alcoholism. Dedicate it to your children!

It is better to get rid of codependency while undergoing treatment for alcoholism. The chances of recovery increase 10 times! Joint treatment is carried out in such a way that the codependent person and the alcoholic communicate and stay close as little as possible. It is imperative to exclude codependent relationships between people. This approach frees you from dependence, and a person turns into a confident and self-sufficient person. A person who has recovered from alcohol addiction needs the support of a healthy and strong personality.

The best way to support someone trying to quit drinking is to find a super effective program to help YOURSELF. When starting treatment for codependency, you need the following:

• study the nature of alcoholism and codependency;
• learn effective ways to overcome them;
• apply the acquired knowledge in practice.

Having completely eliminated ignorance on this issue, you can begin to treat codependency.