Causes
To know how to cope with unrequited love, it is worth finding out the reasons for this feeling.
- Internal state. Fatigue and depression affect the overall energy, and disappointment in love becomes an addition to the general emotional background.
- Low self-esteem. Lack of self-confidence is reinforced by attitudes: “I’m too ugly for him,” “I don’t match him,” “No one will ever love me.” The lower a person evaluates himself, the more difficult it is for him to achieve reciprocal feelings. There is a strong belief that “I will always have it worse than others.”
- The benefits of unrequited love. Sometimes such feelings have benefits, but the person is not aware of them. This is a way to hide from life; subconsciously a person does not want to be in a relationship, and a one-sided feeling allows him to escape from them.
- The illusion of love experiences. Unrequited love creates a vivid picture of emotional life. It contains suffering, hopes, internal events associated with the object of love. I don’t want to leave this illusion into problematic reality.
- Usually, people who do not see an example of a happy relationship in childhood do not cope with falling in love. Their parents did not show them an example of trusting relationships. It is difficult for such a person to imagine mutual love; it seems to him that intimacy does not exist. The consequences of this are choosing unrequited feelings or completely closing yourself off from love.
These reasons may not be recognized, but accepting them can answer the question: “How to deal with unrequited love?”
Possible manifestations
There is a feeling that no one around understands what is in your heart. The girl is very mistaken, because almost every person in life had unrequited feelings. Unrequited love for a guy can be expressed in various reactions.
- The girl withdraws into herself, does not want to talk to anyone, and tries to isolate herself from the world around her.
- A woman lies in bed all day and doesn’t want to do anything. All thoughts are about how to get rid of the feelings that filled her heart.
- Someone eats up unrequited feelings in the literal sense of the word. As a result, he gains extra pounds, which lowers his own self-esteem. At least she doesn't care at the moment.
- A man stands by an open window, walks along the edge, and is not afraid of what might happen. There are no thoughts about relatives, mother, her feelings and worries.
- The girl expresses the pain born in her heart with the help of poetry and music.
- A woman, in order not to think about her beloved, increasingly puts her hand to a bottle of alcohol until she finally drinks herself to death.
- Serious thoughts of suicide arise. The girl can take pills or take a very large dose of sleeping pills, possibly ligating her veins. She believes that life without a loved one has no meaning. Often such a reaction ends in death, especially at a young age.
- Accepting that love will never be reciprocated. As a result, the woman decides to go to a monastery and devote herself to God.
- The girl is trying to switch to another guy in order to stop thinking about the object of her love. For this purpose, a casual romance may appear, which can only temporarily relieve the need for love.
- A girl whose chosen one does not reciprocate loses all meaning in life, ceases to be interested in usual affairs, and no longer cares about appearance. She does not notice anyone around her, does not hear the appeals of her relatives, cannot listen to them.
Unrequited love is like an addiction
If a person cannot cope with his feelings for a long time, then psychologists sometimes use the term “love addiction” or addiction. Love addictions are often compared to alcohol or gaming addiction, only instead of alcohol or games there is a living person. When he is not around, the dependent person experiences real torment. He may get sick, gain weight, lose weight, and look exhausted. When dependent on love, a person directs all his thoughts and actions to the object of passion. He can write letters to him, keep watch at his house, stalk him on social networks.
Signs of love addiction:
- a feeling of love arises towards a person who experiences indifference;
- A woman or a man experiences unhappy love for a very long time, sometimes for years;
- Along with love for the object of worship, a range of feelings is experienced, from jealousy to resentment.
In severe forms of addiction, your career suffers, hobbies and friends disappear. Psychologists note that people often come to appointments with the question: “How to cope with love addiction?” In most cases, their condition is already very serious. Unhappy love is often glorified in literature, the most striking example being Petrarch and his Laura.
On a note! Psychologists advise the use of prescribing suffering, thoughts, and keeping a diary for love addictions - this is one of the techniques of psychotherapeutic practice.
De-romanticization method
As you know, people of a romantic mindset tend to fall in love. They idealize love, and therefore any obstacle in this matter is a source of incredible suffering for them. If you are this type of personality, then deromanticization will help you. It is enough to rid a person of the romantic idea of the world, and love passes on its own. To do this, first, read a few mediocre romance novels, however, they are all mediocre (this is especially recommended for men). Talk to a person who does not approve of love in general. These people can be found anywhere, for example, in Moscow there is the Blue Stocking club, where women who do not recognize love gather. You can also search on the Internet. Recently, I managed to find a misogynist website. Such simple support is often effective. Next, if this still doesn’t help, go to work. For romantically minded people, the professions of a builder, nurse, seamstress, or loader will be an excellent remedy. Usually it is enough to stay in this environment for a month or a month and a half, and the rose-colored glasses are removed forever.
First experience
In their youth, many are faced with unrequited love. The first experience, an attempt to build relationships and feelings, is usually accompanied by self-doubt, increased emotionality, and idealization of the object of worship. Sometimes unrequited love is useful for outgrowing most complexes and fears in adolescents. But it happens that young people are disappointed; first love leaves a negative imprint on all subsequent relationships. Unhappy love is difficult to forget; your thoughts always return to it.
What to do? How to survive first love? To begin with, we should thank life for the lessons; love comes to us for a reason. We learn to build relationships, observe, become better and improve for our loved one.
You should also sift the wheat from the chaff. There is no need to paste the shortcomings of your former lovers onto your new loved one. It is useful to give up the habit of comparing. Yes, it's not easy to do. Negative experiences often come to mind, but you need to thank the universe that you found out who you really need.
Prevention method
Let's take a closer look at the feeling of love. It, so extolled in society, is essentially nothing more than a mental illness. Remember how you experienced your love - euphoria and depression, excitement and complete passivity, absent-mindedness and the feeling that you could move mountains. Literally every Romeo or Juliet has the symptoms described above, but try taking them to a neurologist.
He will immediately diagnose you with psychopathy and offer you treatment. Unfortunately, most often they begin to treat love in an advanced stage, when the disease is difficult to treat. It’s much easier to take preventive measures. Don’t even think about love, fight all its manifestations, don’t read books about love, especially don’t watch movies, immerse yourself in your work and then, if you follow all these preventive measures, the risk of contracting the “virus” of love will sharply decrease.
Method of logical comprehension
Calmly and objectively evaluate all the pros and cons. What can love give you? Even if everything goes well further, after a short period of euphoria, which is no better than ordinary intoxication, a fading of feelings is inevitable, and then quarrels, conflicts and an inevitable breakup. Even if both you and your partner behave with dignity, and you can never be sure of this in advance, separation will still give you a lot of unpleasant emotions.
To love is to lose. You also lose your freedom. Love is voluntary, and therefore the highest and worst form of slavery; remember your dignity, do you really want to be a slave? Love will take a lot of your time, nerves, energy, money; you may lose friends, your job, and in return, in the end, you will only get memories, which are not always pleasant. Remember how much evil and crime has been committed because of love in all ages; think of all these people whose follies caused harm both to themselves and to those around them. Does this dangerous madness still seem attractive to you?
Surviving rejection
Sometimes, in order to receive reciprocity, you need to make a confession. It's scary to admit your feelings, get rejected and kill hope. How to survive rejection? But psychologists recommend not to be afraid to talk about emotions. This is better than dreaming about reciprocity for years and not making an attempt to try to be together.
Open recognition allows you to break out of a vicious circle and gain mutual relationships. Even if the answer is no, then you need to enter a new stage and build a different level of relationships, taking into account all past mistakes. Don't forget to praise yourself for your courage!
Video: psychologist Natalya Tolstaya about unrequited love
Right way of life
Remember that idleness is the source of almost all vices. If your mind is not occupied with anything, then it is not surprising that your head is filled with all sorts of nonsense; Nature, as we know, abhors a vacuum. If you are engaged in active intellectual activity that gives you pleasure, in general, if you have an interesting business (be it your main job or a hobby), thoughts about your ex-partner are unlikely to take over your consciousness. Do not fall for the false propaganda of those who built into absolute own weaknesses, without being able to overcome them. These people, worthy of pity at best, and contempt at worst, have flooded the world with maxims such as “you can’t order your heart”, “accept the inevitable, what can you do - fall in love” and so on. Such nonsense is reminiscent of the rantings of alcoholics and drug addicts who do not want to overcome their vice. Be above this, and you can be proud of yourself, and this is a much greater pleasure than the ephemeral “charms” of love.
How to help yourself
But how to survive unreciprocated love? Let's look at the advice of a psychologist. Masters of psychological science recommend the following actions.
Investigation of the cause
If you cannot cope with unrequited feelings for more than 6 months, then there are reasons that incline you to love one-sidedly. Try to answer the questions honestly. What makes you continue to suffer? What is the reason behind the unrequited feeling and desire to be loved? Could this be due to fear that you will be offended or lack of confidence in your own attractiveness? What is the main fear in a relationship? If you manage to find out the reason, then you need to deal with it.
"Light a fire"
The poet Ovid advised treating unhappy love by lighting fires. Psychologists also recommend this appointment today. May you have many resources that will allow you to escape from unrequited feelings. New job, passion, hobby, volunteer help. It could be yoga, dancing, driving courses, a reading group - anything. If you scatter the firebrands of a love fire in this way, you will soon see that it has gone out.
Increased physical activity
This powerful remedy helps reduce stress, since the feeling of melancholy goes away along with sweat - adrenaline is produced. Nadezhda Babkina and many other stars cope with stress this way.
Make lemonade
A good method was recommended by Carnegie. He advised making lemonade from sour lemons. A feeling of love can be aimed at creation, and not at self-destruction. There are many examples of people coping with stress and rising above their worries.
Finding flaws
Feelings for a man or woman are often based on idealization. A loved one is endowed with only positive qualities; only the good is seen in him. Try going the other way. Write down all the shortcomings on a piece of paper, remember all the flaws, even if they are fictitious. This powerful remedy is suitable for people with a developed imagination.
Video: psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky, about unrequited love:
An attempt to conquer
If you are sure that you love a young man very much, but he doesn’t even notice you, then you can try to conquer the guy.
- When near him, act unapproachable and as cold as possible. At the same time, try to constantly be in his field of vision. It may take a young man a lot of time to notice you, but he will definitely turn his attention to you. In addition, during this period of time you can change your attitude towards your chosen one. Then the following turn of events is possible: the guy will cease to be interesting, while he will truly fall in love. In fact, you will switch roles, because in this case we will be talking about a man’s unrequited love.
- Another effective method is to show special interest in the hobbies of your chosen one. If the girl herself is interested in his hobby, then they will have topics for conversation. The young man will feel comfortable being next to her.
