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Why are emotions difficult to control? Charles Darwin argued that emotions are one of the mechanisms of adaptation of higher animals to environmental conditions. His work “The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals” was published in 1872, but is still not out of date. Modern research by neurophysiologists and neuropsychologists confirms this concept.
How the brain works
Here is a simplified picture of how our brain works. Something happens to us. Our sensors perceive it and nerve impulses enter the thalamus. There they split into two bundles or “roads”. The shortest of them leads to the amygdala. This part of the brain is responsible for a complex of physiological changes associated with emotion. Long - in the cerebral cortex. There is a subjective experience of emotions, comprehension and evaluation.
That is why we first flinch, frightened by a sudden noise, and only then comprehend what caused it. Or when walking through the forest, first we freeze, looking at something thin and black lying on the path, and only then we recognize it - it’s a snake, a hose, a rope. This “delay” in comprehension once ensured the survival of our species.
The same principle applies to social group interactions. Even in the tonsils of monkeys, neurons have been found that respond to the emotional expressions of the “faces” of their relatives. Moreover, different neurons “switch on” for different expressions. I think we are no less complex. Therefore, if our amygdala “recognizes” someone’s facial expression as hostile (read: threatening), we instinctively act based on our social position in the “pack.” The “alpha” individual attacks, the “omega” individual runs.
Naturally, this manifests itself differently in different situations. For example, during an intellectual dispute, the attack of the “alpha” (or the one who claims to take her place) can be expressed in caustic arguments, and the flight of the “omega” can be expressed in timid conciliation. And often only after returning home, both “individuals” can realize the inadequacy of their reactions.
How understanding your emotions and feelings helps in everyday life
Psychologist at the Center for the Development of Interpersonal Communications Olga Troitskaya explains why it is important for us to understand our feelings and why we need to understand ourselves. And he explains that today’s communication on social networks (with emoticons, photographs and statuses) does not contribute to this at all.
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In earlier, slower, less information-filled times, children automatically learned that an educated, verbal person would be successful. But now this is no longer perceived as truth. Children demand proof from us that this is necessary and important for their future.
Now that life has accelerated and changed so much, previously common words are disappearing from everyday life. And these are not the names of things that we have stopped using, but a designation of what is happening to us, in our soul. This did not start yesterday, but rather a couple of generations ago. Our grandmothers were not accustomed to talking about feelings - society approved of restraint.
The faster we live today, the less time we can devote to our sense of life. We seem to turn it off - or clothe it in symbols and signs on social networks
There is a myth that such communication on the Internet is very emotional, because here they talk about feelings all the time: they put emoticons, post photos, indicate their mood. By doing all this, a person rather does not feel, but puts on a mask for which he should be loved or appreciated. He does it for others, but hides his own in himself, in case he doesn’t like it or isn’t interested.
You can’t expect frankness and sincerity on social networks, and if they appear, they go unnoticed, without causing an emotional response. And this is exactly what we are talking about - about what gives you a feeling of connectedness with the world and people, about emotional contact, which alone saves you from loneliness and depression. And it seems that the only prevention against the emergence of an increasing number of Internet zombies (they write off without understanding; they exchange words about events, sometimes as difficult as death, without feeling; they write about themselves without contact with themselves) is to expand their world in advance, don't let him leave, teach him in time. Feeling - knowing what you feel, thinking - experiencing joy from the thinking process, enjoying the world of other people's feelings in art, love, work. Then the terrible loneliness among people (which pushes you to the Internet) disappears and a feeling of connectedness with these people, the world and yourself appears.
The development of speech is closely related to the development of understanding of oneself and others
Yes, the first thing we must learn in early childhood is to distinguish and differentiate, and then name it in order to remember it. And here a trap awaits us: information that is emotionally colored - in color, sound, in an interesting way - is better remembered. The more subtly we distinguish colors, shapes, sounds and feelings associated with them, the more accurately we store and quickly retrieve from memory the information necessary in our activities.
It is no coincidence that the development of fine motor skills of the fingers is directly related to the development of speech. And speech involves emotional communication. By distinguishing the shades of other people's feelings, we develop and train the subtlety of perception, denoting them with a word - we turn on logic, because without logical conclusions thinking does not exist. In this way, we form a conceptual apparatus and expand the volume and capabilities of memory and thinking.
It is impossible to read in “Eugene Onegin” “I know: in your heart there is both pride and direct honor” without understanding what pride is and what this feeling of honor is that they talk and write so much about. And then Pushkin is gone, all poetry in general is gone. And, unfortunately, not only poetry, but also the ability to feel the world around oneself subtly and acutely, to observe and realize the feelings of other people. But no negotiation activity is possible without this; a mistake here always leads to resentment, anger and conflict.
Understand yourself by knowing your feelings
And most importantly, even for a person very gifted with intuition, access to the creative intuitive is possible through the “feeling-thought-word” connection. “I forgot the word that I wanted to say, and the disembodied thought will return to the palace of shadows”—the psychologist Vygotsky took these lines from Mandelstam as the epigraph to the book “Thinking and Speech.”
Knowing your feelings helps you create a portrait of your “I” that is accessible to the mind, gives you the opportunity to pacify something in yourself, and finally release something into the wild. For example, a child may not notice a feeling of self-confidence. And when I learned a little more about him, I listened to myself, caught him at some moments - maybe I can try to hold him.
It is easier to retain or expand what you recognize in yourself than to repeat in front of the mirror: “I am confident in myself, I must be confident.”
Words work only when they are connected with the body, that is, with feelings. This also applies to such special feelings as compassion and making the right choice. After all, only by listening to ourselves can we feel shame for an evil or cruel act; only within ourselves can we feel the strength that compassion for our neighbors gives us.
And if adults have not given the child the experience of this conscious contact with himself, what do we demand from him, insisting: “Why aren’t you ashamed?! How can you be so insensitive!” He may be trying, but there is no mechanism. In extreme cases, the child will admit that he is ashamed without feeling shame, and express sympathy without sympathy. A healthy and moral generation, replacing the previous ones, is the common cause of teachers, psychologists, the state and parents. Children accept and appropriate, first of all, what is approved by society, respected adults, and bears the stamp of necessity in adult life.
Distinguish anger from anger, sadness from resentment... Subtle discrimination is one of the fundamental properties of human thinking. Try to solve any mathematical, grammatical, logical, production problem without being able to distinguish a plus from a minus, a comma from a colon, a primer from a highway, a screw from a nail. Try to find at least one successful solution in real life where you can do without subtle discrimination - the Nobel Prize is yours!
Illustration: iStockphoto (amoklv)
The simplest practices of self-control during a situation
We inhale/exhale quickly and deeply three times (inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth). Then pause for 5 seconds, during which we breathe as usual. Three or four repetitions are enough. If you don't have the opportunity to breathe alone, try a less noticeable method. We switch our attention to breathing, begin to breathe a little deeper than usual, but at the same time count each inhalation and exhalation.
As you inhale deeply, clench your fists very tightly, and as you exhale, sharply straighten your fingers. Ten similar movements are enough. Basically, both exercises have the same method of action. A slight excess of oxygen allows you to “burn” adrenaline faster, and switching your attention allows you to “rise” above the situation.
What are “osemotions”?
The concept of “osemotion” stands for “be aware of your emotions.”
The word “emotion” itself can be translated as “energy in motion” - energy that depends on a whole cocktail of hormones that control our behavior at a particular moment. The field of emotional intelligence teaches us that our behavior is often driven not by our minds, but by our emotions, and that controlling our impulses, which arise due to emotional triggers, is a critical element of self-regulation. Fortunately, today “emotional literacy” begins to be instilled from an early age - this can be observed in the UK, USA and many other countries. Nowadays, even young children are able to name their emotions and be responsible for them. However, regardless of age, there is always something to strive for in the field of physical and emotional intelligence.
Awareness of emotions, expression of them, along with attempts to influence them, allow you to discharge. It is necessary to express both positive and negative emotions.
It is very important that we live life to the fullest and skillfully use the power of emotions, and not dream that painful feelings will pass and pleasant ones will last forever.
A 2011 study from Stanford and Columbia Universities found that psychological distancing from negative events reduces levels of the dangerous hormone cortisol. If the subjects imagined in detail a scenario in which they successfully dealt with a particular problem, not only did their cortisol levels drop, but their dopamine levels also sharply increased, and they adopted a new behavior model.
If you notice that your thoughts are constantly spinning around the same circumstances, tell yourself: “STOP!” Afterwards, for example, on the way home from work, use the Osemotion technique for five minutes. This will help you get distracted and focus on the tasks at hand.
In the next exercise, we will relive an important situation in which you did not understand the circumstances well and had little control over your reactions - and, using visualization, we will find out what alternative steps could have been.
Why do this? In reality, the gap between the impulse and the actual action is only 0.2 seconds - during this time it is not so easy to prudently abandon an impulsive act. We learn to do this in situations for which we are thoroughly prepared mentally, when we relive moments that are significant to us as if in close-up slow motion.
Why are we poorly aware of emotions?
Surely you have met people who blame anyone but themselves for their actions, claiming, for example, “they brought me to a boil.” At the same time, it doesn’t occur to them to figure out exactly what emotion caused the “boiling.” Anger? Anger hidden behind fear? And what caused the fear?
Unwilling and unable to accurately identify their own emotions, such people live their lives in the darkness of unconscious impulses. This happens in part because, as mentioned above, nerve impulses actually travel faster to the amygdala than to the cerebral cortex. But there is a more compelling reason.
Feeling like an innocent victim of circumstances is much more comfortable than feeling like the author of your own failures. Therefore, people often unconsciously remove responsibility from themselves and transfer it to anyone: family, circumstances, the injustice of life. This is the so-called “secondary benefit” of our consciousness. The problem is that we pay for it with very real success in life.
Through observing other people's nonverbal cues
Verbal communication includes words and texts that we communicate to each other, and everything else - facial expressions, postures, position occupied in space relative to other people and objects, appearance, as well as intonation, speed, voice volume, features of articulation and diction - refers to non-verbal signals.
Emotions live in the body, and, accordingly, they manifest themselves in the body, and sometimes in defiance of the owner. By observing other people's nonverbal signals, you can make assumptions about their emotional state. At the same time, it is impossible to interpret a single gesture, but it is necessary to consider all non-verbal behavior as a whole.
To develop the skill of understanding the emotions of others, using this method, you can turn on the TV and turn off the sound. Find a feature film and watch it for a while, observing the characters’ gestures, facial expressions, and spatial placement, and wondering what emotions they are experiencing right now. A similar process can be done in public transport. Watch the passengers. How do these people feel? If someone tells someone something, is it a funny story or a sad one?
Option No. 1 (the goal is to realize and separate emotions from oneself)
First stage. Let's recreate the situation
Relax in the same way that you use in normal meditation. Then, remaining in a relaxed state and feeling the entire surface of the body from head to toe, restore as accurately as possible the situation in which you felt the negative emotion.
Mentally return to the space where this happened. Restore in your memory all the details of the room, every feature of the image of the person with whom you interacted. His every word and action. Remember the smells and sounds around you. Remember where you were and how you reacted.
Second phase. Tracking and recognizing emotions
Your task is to re-experience the situation with maximum authenticity, as if it were happening here and now, and at the same time continue to feel the entire surface of the body.
Track every muscle “tightness” in your body. In some practices they are called triggers. Pay attention to the trigger until the word denoting the emotion “floats” out of your consciousness. Perhaps you recognize the tightness in your stomach as fear, and the spasm in your chest as resentment.
You will notice that there was much more emotion in the situation than it seemed. Notice that they “play” your body like keyboards. Follow the sensations and find the name of each emotion.
Third stage. Separating emotions from personality
Now imagine that you seem to have left your body, risen to the ceiling and look at the situation from the outside. See yourself below. You see the whole room. You see the person with whom the situation is connected. You see the whole picture of what is happening as on a theater stage.
Initially, your body, “floating above,” will respond to everything that happens on the “lower stage” and feel the same “play” of emotions. Calmly notice each tension that arises in the “upper” body and continue to look down at the “stage”. After some time, you will notice that the number of clamps has decreased. Say goodbye to every emotion that has disappeared and continue to look at what is happening on the “stage”.
You may have to scroll through the same “picture” several times, but after a while it will no longer evoke any response. All the energy of “boiling passions” will remain below, and your perception will become calm. This way you will recognize the whole range of your emotions and at the same time see that there is no identity between them and you. They simply flowed through your consciousness. And now you are free again.
Through empathy
Empathy is a direct “feeling” into another person, based on the action of mirror neurons.
The ability to unconsciously “reflect” the emotions and behavior of another is innate. It’s not for nothing that we automatically smile in response to a smile, frown when someone nearby is irritated, and even cry if a person close to us is in tears. We actually feel what the other person feels. People who are good at detecting changes in their emotional state are able to intuitively understand the emotions of other people very well. In order to consciously manage your empathy, first determine for yourself on a 10-point scale the level of empathy development at which you are now. Then determine the desired level of empathy, i.e. how much you would like to feel the emotional state of other people.
To develop the skill of empathy, pay attention to what happens to you when someone else is experiencing fairly strong emotions. For example, you can go to the theater or ask a person close to you to tell an emotionally significant situation for him. Observe what will happen to you: how your emotional state will change, what sensations will appear in your body, what you want to do or say.
