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In the “We will help you” section on the pages of 1news.az we will try to understand why married partners cannot create harmonious relationships.
Why does respect and love leave the family?
What to do if respect in the family is lost?
Man and woman. Eternal "struggle". A man is sure that he should not try to understand a woman; a woman believes that a man is not able to put himself in her place and understand. The entire confrontation between the sexes is based on the difference between male and female love. A woman always loves with all her heart and soul, and a man loves only with his mind and body...
We are all familiar with the basic truths of marital relationships - in addition to love, there must be mutual respect. Family life is always difficult, even if there are strong feelings and complete trust between partners. We like to say that everyday life, work, and time constantly test the strength of alliances. But we ourselves, with our own hands, create this way of life, we ourselves are looking for our application in the profession. The only thing we have no control over is time. But we often waste time, putting off until later everything that could be done and corrected now and at this moment. And yet there are married couples who live for many years in relative peace and harmony.
Two people are building a serious relationship. Do they think about what they will face? How hard will it take to “manually” maintain balance in the union? At first everything is painted in rainbow colors. But there comes a point when everyone tries to fulfill their own set of relationship fantasies. And here the first problems, the first “scratches” begin. It seems to us that nothing terrible happened? But is it?
We can say that it was necessary to get to know the person well, etc. etc. All this, of course, takes place, but no more. We begin to show our “distinctive” character traits after a certain period of time, when the “splashes of champagne” settle and a real portrait emerges...
Why can’t a family build their relationships harmoniously?
A person is designed in such a way that he begins to clone the relationships and orders with which he grew up, which is common. If the pressure of the masculine over the feminine reigned in the family, if the norm was not to take into account (disrespect) the opinion of a woman, then the man no longer thinks differently about the position of the head of the family.
If in a family they rushed around with a child like “with a white bag”, catering to all the whims and whims, then in the future a lot of problems arise due to the discrepancy with these ideas.
Or... Agreeing with many of our partner’s attitudes, accepting them at the dawn of a relationship, we overestimate our capabilities and do not set priorities correctly. We believe that such permissiveness (of certain behavior) will strengthen love, and in the future we will be able to turn the hands of the clock towards ourselves.
No and no again. If a person is not taught to defend his position, then throughout life he will have to bear this cross on himself.
Why do disagreements arise? Because of a misunderstanding. Because we don’t always want the same thing as our partner, because we evaluate the situation from different positions, with a subjective attitude...
If a man forgets to see us as a woman, then this happens because we ourselves have allowed ourselves to forget about ourselves. The same applies to the male gender.
We are more likely to begin to reject, rather than listen to, the fact that family relationships require patience, enormous efforts to understand, and respect for the partner. It seems that everything is going as usual and will work itself out. But nothing happens.
If we all constantly and regularly devoted time, effort, and attention to our partner, then over the years the relationship would not fail, but rather develop and improve.
The most important factor of harmony in the family is the mutual points of contact between the interests of the spouses, as well as their divergence (interests).
It is clear that common interests bring people together and make them spiritually close. But different interests should not cause strong antipathy. Different interests exist so that a person can do something himself, without the participation of another. Even from the people closest to you, sometimes you want to take a break. And here the most important thing is to understand and “forgive” your loved one.
Over the years spent together, any couple accumulates minor grievances. At the beginning of married life, you simply don’t notice them, but over the years the tangle grows, and you can no longer say for sure which of the insults hurt you the most. Collected negativity can kill any feelings. Therefore, forgiving minor shortcomings is an important matter. Don't roll this "boulder" through time. The most important thing is that you develop the same views on such aspects of married life as family, children, profession and career, household and financial issues. If you have similar views on all these issues, then harmony in the family is guaranteed.
Women are often disappointed in marriage after a while. Rudeness settled in the family, respect ran away. And of course the man is to blame for this.
What if you think about it? Who let “this” into your life? Man? No. Men, of course, are a rougher subspecies compared to us, sophisticated individuals... We were rude, or maybe something worse. We were offended, started to fuss, and at best slammed the bedroom door. They threw a pillow on the sofa, separated the boor from the body, and closed his mouth (for a week).
Let the “dude” know his place. That's all. Until... Until the “savage” comes to repent (his shirt hasn’t been washed, and his stomach aches from the dry food). The conflict has been resolved, but the problem has not been resolved... The rhythm of life of a working man in our world is constant stress. Such tension cannot but affect family relationships. Perhaps the man had plans that unexpectedly collapsed; failure haunts him. At times, a spouse's rudeness can be caused by a woman's behavior and her attitude towards him. A man may be annoyed by his wife’s intrusiveness and unwillingness to give in. Of course, one should not always indulge a man’s whims, but married life is impossible without mutual respect and understanding. Tension in relationships must be relieved immediately, otherwise mutual reproaches will develop into resentment and turn into anger. And the result is a loss of respect.
Talk to the man, discuss, but not about how he is to blame for the problem, but about the problem itself. You should not raise such serious topics when your spouse is busy with something or is tired. Don't start the conversation with a stream of interrogative sentences. Such an onslaught will cause nothing but bewilderment and, most likely, severe irritation. Analyze, preferably together, what the causes of the conflict are. Men are the most loyal to specific claims and do not tolerate criticism, hints and lectures. Any attempt to re-educate a man can upset even strong relationships.
You need to learn to speak, listen and hear each other when it comes to what does not suit you in the behavior of the other. Ask your loved one how he sees his future together. What compromises does (a man) agree to for the sake of harmony in a relationship? Set conditions, specify “rules” and, accordingly, draw conclusions. If a man does not want to negotiate, then this is also a “peculiar answer” to your questions. Look for ways out of the current situation.
It is impossible to preserve the bastion of love alone. If one party stops “contributing” to the relationship, then the other party will be unable to maintain harmony.
Still, there is no need to worry. It is possible that the “symptoms” of disrespect for you are false and are caused only by a difficult period in a man’s career (work time), or a bad mood. And if you don’t know the reasons for your husband’s negative attitude, then you are not attentive enough to him. Try to show more interest in the man’s affairs...
You can philosophize for a long time on the topic of male and female psychology. That men are taciturn, that it is difficult for them to talk about intangible topics: thoughts, experiences, sensations. That for a woman, on the contrary, communication is important. That a man often speaks too emotionally, often rudely, putting pressure on the woman. That the woman is offended and does not hear the main idea that the man, shaking the heavens, is trying to convey to her in a “colorful” form. That a man loves freedom, and a woman wants control. That a man should not give advice - it can humiliate him.
That you cannot force a man to do something, or reproach him for inaction. That a woman only needs to show her weakness and that she needs him, a man, and not his help. That a man needs, from time to time, to “turn” his head towards a woman and be able to read the question in her eyes. That a woman does not need to torment a man with her jealousy.
That men should not “close themselves off” too much, so as not to cause a storm of emotions - jealousy...
In everything that partners “get” from each other, both are to blame. A man does not get involved in a woman’s emotional “storm,” but a woman tries to change the man’s psychology.
You can feel whatever way you want about all the differences between the sexes. You can get angry, try to “rebuild” the nature of a man and a woman, you can get a divorce. But a man’s attraction to a woman will still exist. And again they will begin to return to square one.
The most constructive way to create a happy family is not an attempt to change your partner to suit you, but the opportunity to understand his psychology and accept him for who he is. We have long studied our chosen one, or chosen one. We just can't accept that he or she doesn't act the same way as we do.
Briefly and clearly - we cannot find a common language.
But... Women need a family, first of all. We try for ourselves, not for them, men. Women's happiness consists of different components: love, trust, patience, mutual understanding, respect, honesty, frankness, the ability to listen and hear, and carry on a conversation. Unfortunately, we love all our lives, and a man, “full”, loses his appetite. There are many ways to keep that spark from going out. Women's happiness is very fragile, but it exists.
Both men and women make mistakes in behavior with the opposite sex... How to maintain respect, love and passion in marriage? Take a look at yourself and think about where “your cockroaches” are and where the truly justified claims are. Don't be afraid to argue. Quarrel and scandal are different concepts. A quarrel is a dialogue between two reasonable people with the goal of making a common decision. You don't need to shout and swear for this. You must be able to defend your family rights in a smart way. A wise woman raises a husband from a man... Next to us is always the very person we deserve. And if it seems to us that we deserve more, then we begin to change ourselves first. A person is not capable of loving someone if he does not have a healthy sense of self-love.
We make it a rule not to pay attention to the tone, intonation, or vocal capabilities of our man, but react only to information. We don’t allow ourselves to be bullied, we don’t cling to our husband’s words. If you are ready to “explode”, look at yourself from the outside - it’s sobering.
It is impossible to force someone to respect you. It doesn't depend on our desire. A “lost”, tear-stained woman can only evoke pity, but not love and respect.
The emergence of respect is facilitated by the presence of self-esteem, self-sufficiency and internal harmony.
Be independent and do not put pressure on a man with your emotional actions.
Accept your partner's strengths and weaknesses entirely. Don't force your life path on each other. Give yourself and your man the right to self-determination. Men want to see a woman nearby who is engaged in improving herself personally. Don't try to lose yourself in your partner, friends, work, or even children. Dissolve - forget about yourself. Hence the resentment for one’s sacrifice.
Choose any talent or ability you have and develop it, gaining self-confidence. Control your thoughts and do not allow them to contain those that bring fear and doubt as a result.
Remember - never forget about yourself!
On the pages of 1news.az I expect letters from readers of our column. Letters with pressing problems that are difficult to solve alone.
Leila
I don't respect my husband
Hello. I'm married. We have been living with my husband for about 7 years, officially married for 4 years. Have no children. I have my own problems in gynecology, and my husband, as it turned out, also had bad test results. The problem is that I no longer respect my husband, he annoys me and I periodically want to get a divorce. We started communicating with my husband on social networks. He and I come from the same place, so we knew about each other’s existence, but we didn’t know each other personally. He is a military man, so from the age of 18 he did not live with his parents, and at that time he lived at his place of service for about 7 years. I always wanted a serious, brave, real man. And when I met him, that’s how he seemed to me. By that time, he had been living on his own for a long time, working, and not depending on anyone. At first, we communicated at a distance and I imagined him the way he talked about himself. Then several months of dating and I went to live with him. At first everything was fine, but now for a long time I have been haunted by thoughts of divorce.
1. He is a driven person, he does not have his own opinion.
2. He cries too much for a man. After our scandal, he may shed tears.
3. For 6 years, we’ve probably had sex 1-2 times a month, or even less often.
4. There is almost never any initiative from him for sex.
5. Intimacy lasts about 2 minutes at most. There is no variety. No publicity. He's not trying to please. He never even takes off my T-shirt/shirt (basically a “top”) from me.
6. He cannot and does not know how to do any man's work (for example, assemble furniture).
7. Intrudes into my affairs in the kitchen. Although he doesn't know how to cook. He is mainly interested in the order there and the washed dishes.
8. Constantly complains about his work and brings all problems from work home.
He has already changed several places of service and there is something he doesn’t like everywhere.
9. Does not develop. Silly. You need to guide him everywhere.
10. Not greedy. Well, at the same time, he keeps the money for himself. And he controls everything.
11. She’s annoying because she writes/calls a hundred times a day, or if she’s at home, she asks, “Do you love me?”, “Did you miss me?” etc.
12. Loves only himself and thinks only for himself.
13. If I need help and support, he will twist everything in such a way that he seems to feel even worse at that moment.
14. There is no support from him, he can complain and I listen to him, advise him, support him. And when I complain to him about something, he simply replies, “Well, how do I know what to tell you.”
15. Doesn't rejoice at my successes.
16. Doesn't give compliments.
17. Doesn’t want to develop himself, he’s lazy.
While I was writing all the points, I was horrified at how many disadvantages there were for me. But I don't know what to do. He annoys me more and more. But I can’t leave and get a divorce, because I feel sorry for him. Please advise what to do?
I don’t love my husband, I don’t know what to do! (1 answer)
Respect in relationships: from function to personality
Respect for your partner is a specific prerequisite for a good couple relationship. Usually, at the beginning of a romance, they rarely think about it: everything is going like clockwork, the partner seems like an ideal soul mate, and one’s eyes are closed to “minor” pricks, devaluation or neglect.
But this is for the time being: relationships in a couple are rarely cloudless; in conflicts, quarrels, and even in everyday communication, both men and women often and quickly “get personal.” And they often suffer more and more from this than from the presence of some problem. The problem is lack of respect.
Why is respecting others so important? Disrespect for your partner destroys his sense of self-worth, and with it, the love that once connected you. Relationships in which one or both partners do not feel seen as Individuals are full of pain and suffering. Of course, they can last for years, but this is hardly what you dreamed of?
There are plenty of examples in our lives of how disrespect for a partner manifests itself. One woman allows herself to interrupt her husband every time he wants to say something. Or over and over again in public, for example, in the company of friends, she speaks unflatteringly about her partner. This unenviable list includes public criticism and remarks in front of children (“what can your dad do!”). Men have just as many ways to show disrespect. Do not answer the question asked for the fifth time, wave it off irritably, criticize your appearance. There are many options, but there is only one outcome: respect in the relationship suffers.
What do these examples have in common? The obvious message is: “As you truly are, you are no match for me. And I can afford to do whatever I want with you and our relationship.” It is based on the partner’s lack of recognition of equal rights with himself, the lack of a tactful, respectful distance towards each other. The origins of such mass disrespect for each other are in our past: several generations grew up under the slogan “I am the last letter in the alphabet,” when respect for the Personality was an empty phrase, and a person was perceived as a function, a machine for performing important state tasks.
But let's return to the partner. How does a person feel when his voice is raised or he is scolded? Whose feelings, thoughts, decisions, suggestions, needs and motivations in life are decisively and without hesitation devalued time after time? He is wounded, doubts arise in himself (“Am I really worthy of love if the one I love treats me this way?”), and he also begins to defend himself... Taking offense, ignoring, becoming aggressive... And this is a natural reaction to any sign of disrespect. But the result of such “military actions” is usually sad: love hides in fear. And to return to a relationship, this fragile feeling sometimes takes a lot of time. The price of disrespect is high.
Why will we respect?
What does true respect look like?
Erich Fromm wrote about it this way: “Respect is not fear and awe, it means the ability to see a person as he is, in his individuality and uniqueness.”
Respect means recognizing the autonomy of the Other: the partner is not your property, function or thing. Respect includes the rejection of the desire to remake a partner “to suit oneself” and the recognition of his right not to always do what you need and in the way that suits you, and not him.
Respect means treating another with care, consideration, and attentiveness, as the greatest value. And treat this way not for what the other has done or accomplished (in a different way, “deserved”), but for his Personality.
Such a vision requires a certain distance in relationships: only at a certain distance can you really take a closer look at the other, truly see who is in front of you, and through this - carefully and carefully treat him, with his values, thoughts, feelings, dreams and ...personal characteristics.
For this reason, sometimes in close relationships it can be difficult to respect a partner: there is no distance (or it is extremely small). Who would you rather raise your voice at: your wife (husband) or the girl (boyfriend) you are just starting a relationship with? The spouse usually suffers more often: he’s already one of them, he’s not going anywhere. At the same time, in relationships where people have learned to respect each other, daily intimacy is unlikely to be a trigger for disrespectful actions or words.
Respect in relationships: who is to blame and what to do?
What does respect depend on in a relationship? There are two shares here: yours and your partner's. If you are respectful, considerate towards yourself, if you know how to value yourself, see your own unique traits and characteristics, are ready to show this externally, and if something happens, protect yourself, most likely, respect is not a problem for you. What if everything is just the opposite? If in everyday life you show little of yourself? If you don’t have the strength to express your point of view, your true feelings (or there is no feeling that you have the right to do this in interpersonal relationships)? If it is difficult for you to show that there is no need to treat you disrespectfully like this, and you will not allow anyone to do this? Then you probably have a hard time with yourself, and disrespect is a challenge you have yet to overcome.
What can help? A clear and firm feeling inside helps to fight back any disrespectful treatment: “I am here too. We are also talking about me in this life. And I won’t let everything happen to me and everything happen to me.” If a similar attitude is heard, then protecting yourself from disrespect and demanding decent treatment of yourself becomes the same natural need as the need to satisfy hunger or, for example, to get enough sleep.
But it also happens differently: you can be strong friends with yourself and confidently defend your right to respectful treatment, but over and over again be wounded by disrespectful manifestations on the part of your partner. And here you may encounter something that is no longer in your control: the personal characteristics of another that do not allow him to treat you properly. And then it’s a completely different question: accept the current state of affairs or make a different decision. For example, about breaking up.
In short, respect in relationships requires some work on oneself. But everyone can handle it. Respect to you in life and relationships!
