John China is the head of technology banking at Silicon Valley Bank. He is one of those at the forefront of fintech - financial technologies that are already shaping our future. John is a living testament to the power of relationships. He has built his impressive career by consistently investing and leveraging the power of his social contacts. The entrepreneur willingly shares his experience with journalists and bloggers. In this article, you will learn John China's advice on how to effectively interact with people and make them interested in you. And to learn how to communicate with anyone, sign up for the online program “Best Communication Techniques.”
How to become the most interesting person in the room
When John was in college, his roommate (let's call him Alex) was in a serious relationship with a fellow student. One day Alex was invited to meet this girl’s family. But for some reason Alex wanted John to come with them. John agreed.
Over dinner, John learned that the girl's father had built and sold a software company; something John considered an impressive feat. He spent the rest of the evening asking questions to learn about his parents' lives, their businesses, and their values. They were incredibly open and the conversation quickly became deep and meaningful. By the end, John felt he had learned a lot. But after dinner everyone left, and John did not remember about it.
A few days later, Alex's friend came up to John and said, "John, my parents really loved you." He was flattered, but did not understand what she was trying to convey. “No, you don’t understand,” she said, “they liked you. Not Alex. They say your genuine interest in others makes you interesting.”
It was a lesson John never forgot.
To be interesting, show genuine interest in others.
The key word here is "Authentic". You should ask questions that really interest you; the ones you would like answered.
When you ask sincere questions, two things happen:
- People start talking about themselves, and most people love to do that.
- The more interested you are in the answer, the more carefully you will listen. And the more passionate and caring the other person will perceive you.
You may not even have to say anything, you will only ask, but you will already be considered an interesting interlocutor.
Ask paired questions
You won't achieve much with just one question. The first question leads to a superficial answer because you are just warming up the topic. For example: “What was the hardest part about selling your business?” Most people find it difficult to answer this in detail on the first try.
But the second question allows you to dig a little deeper:
- Why do you say that?
- Why is this so important to you?
- What do you like most about it?
The more questions you ask, the more you allow the other person to talk. And the more likely it is that he will remember this conversation as something valuable and meaningful.
Have difficult and uncomfortable conversations
In John's experience, many people avoid difficult conversations; but these are the moments that will allow you to stand out.
As a banker, John works with a variety of entrepreneurs, and they are not always in the best frame of mind. He explained: “When I see an entrepreneur under stress, I don’t shy away from it. I see this as an opportunity."
One day he met with a businessman who found himself in a very difficult financial situation and had not lived up to the expectations of his board of directors. After a difficult heart-to-heart in which John made it clear that things might not work out well, the entrepreneur turned to him and said, “You know, I think when this is all over, you and I will be very close friends.”
Most people run away from such conversations. But if you do put in the effort, you'll gain a reputation as a man with a spine of steel. People will perceive you as reliable and caring.
Here are three quick tips to make those hard talks a little easier:
- Don't put off the inevitable. When you recognize the need for a tough conversation, do so as soon as possible.
- Ask questions. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you know how the other person thinks or feels. Always ask enough questions to make sure you truly understand his point of view and the situation.
- Be sincere. It can be tempting to make promises to make someone feel better. But you have to be honest with him: even if it means setting pessimistic expectations.
Having a difficult conversation is more likely to create a deep relationship with the other person.
What does science do
The scientific approach is based on only one law - if an object is “taught” to reflect, distort or deflect light, then it will turn into invisible to ordinary vision and simple radars. Modern developments in this direction have achieved incredible results.
For example, Japanese physicists have already invented the invisibility cloak, and young Spanish scientists have found a way to make things invisible from the inside.
Such technologies revolve around metamaterials and nanosuits made from them, capable of changing the direction of the light wave, due to which objects in their normal state become visible to the human eye. However, they cannot make objects truly invisible. Wave oscillations will occur when an object moves, from certain angles, or when certain devices not related to light are pointed at them.
For example, echo sounders. Then the integrity of the picture will disappear, and the object will show outlines. A split second is enough to notice it.
Any point of view is better than no point of view
John China emphasizes the importance of having a point of view: “It doesn’t matter what you believe as long as you believe in something.”
For example, look at the two statements below:
- I don't know when autopilot will take over the world.
- I think the widespread adoption of self-driving cars is still many years away.
The first statement is indifferent: it demonstrates an insecure person who has no point of view. Most likely, it will end the conversation simply because it cannot be pushed away.
The second phrase is more opinion than fact, but it shows your position and invites conversation, whether the person agrees with it or not.
Someone doesn't have to agree with your point of view to find it interesting. The main thing is that it be based on at least something - knowledge or experience.
Be conscious of your points of view
You probably already have enough knowledge or experience around the topics that interest you to develop your own point of view. You just have to own it.
So choose 3-5 topics that you are passionate about and knowledgeable about. It is important that you have genuine interest. Then be clear about your point of view on each issue. Once you know what and why you believe, you can be sure that you now have good weapons for an interesting conversation.
Overcome Thinking Limits
Very often people are afraid to share their views. They tell themselves, “Nobody cares what I think,” or, “What if they disagree? This can destroy relationships!
These thoughts are natural and understandable, but in fact they are completely unfounded. In most cases, there will be no negative consequences, and if there are, they will be minimal. After all, any point of view, even if it differs from the other person's, will still make you more interesting than if you said nothing at all.
At the same time, try to avoid controversial topics, such as politics and religion.
You Can't "Bypass" Experience and Skills
If you want to use networking effectively and be known as an interesting person, you have to be really good at what you do. All the life hacks in the world won't help if you just don't have anything nice to say.
Early in his career, John China tried to cut corners and didn't quite understand how things worked. One day he got into a conversation with an experienced businessman, and the topic quickly exceeded John's knowledge. He tried to pretend he knew what he was talking about, but, unsurprisingly, it didn't work. The entrepreneur just shook his head and left, and John had no other chance to meet him.
There's no way around this - you have to know your kitchen inside and out.
Create quarterly learning goals
Once every 3 months, choose one aspect of your activity where you feel weak and start studying it. Make a plan for self-education so as not to waste time.
Law of Reflection
The relationship between you and your man clearly demonstrates the principles of the law of reflection. It extends to all aspects of life. Your thoughts, feelings, manner of relating to yourself and other people are reflected in the thoughts, feelings and actions of your husband, his attitude towards you. Let's figure out how this happens in the real lives of two spouses.
Suppose that, having filled your life with solving everyday problems, after a while you begin to notice a clear decrease in your husband’s interest. Now you are perceived by him exclusively as the keeper of the family hearth and the mother of his children. There are no changes in your appearance, you are still young, beautiful, maybe a little less well-groomed, but your husband’s interest is melting before our eyes.
Once you think about this problem, pay special attention to yourself. Do you know how to be interesting to yourself? Do you need an environment to avoid boredom?
A positive answer means that you are boring to yourself and unwittingly suggest to others that you are not interesting. This is where the law of reflection comes into play. The husband, receiving information from you, simply translates it into his feelings or actions, most often into both sensations and actions.
Remember that you can interest a man only if in any situation you feel like a real woman. You are tormented by work, children's problems and everyday difficulties. To prevent this from happening, always find time to relax, pay attention to your appearance, take care of yourself, engage in self-development, get carried away and bring only positive things into your life.
What should you do for this? How to become interesting to yourself and others, especially your husband? Having noticed the first signs of your husband’s alienation and your accumulated fatigue, immediately stop, analyze the situation and make a choice in favor of yourself. Correctly set priorities help you live in harmony with yourself and your family. In this case, the main priority is yourself. Therefore, listen to the following tips:
- If you are very tired, make it a rule to give yourself a rest, not paying any attention to the unwashed floor or unironed things.
- If the amount of money you have is enough either for beautiful lingerie for you or for another toy for your child, treat yourself and buy a beautiful lace set.
- When thinking about how to get there: by minibus (long and inconvenient, but economical) or by taxi (expensive, but comfortable and fast), choose a taxi.
- Remind yourself often of your beautiful figure, bright appearance, many talents, skills and achievements. Give the world confidence that it is extremely easy to be with you, that you are a sweet, beautiful, seductive woman.
Having shouldered all family issues on your fragile shoulders, completely immersed in their solution, you suddenly realize that you do not feel any support from your husband.
You try to share your problems, but all you hear are meaningless phrases or just silence. You are offended, you want your husband to hug, support, help, but there is none of this. You are at a loss. But, rewinding the tape of family life a few years ago and analyzing your behavior, you will understand that everything is understandable. There was a period when you became more successful, bolder, and felt your strength and superiority.
Perhaps this is due to career growth or salary increases. You felt strong and did not need your husband’s help and support. According to the law of reflection, he stopped providing them.
The essence of the law is the emission of the thought: “I can handle it myself!” and his reaction: “Okay, of course, do everything yourself, you’re doing well!” In reality, you still need your husband’s care and support, especially emotional support.
How to change the situation and become interesting to your man?
- We need to remember again and regain the state of a weak woman. Just forget that you know how to solve problems, that you have experience and the ability to negotiate, that you have developed connections, etc. Place some of your unresolved issues on the strong shoulders of a man. Trust him. Start with simple problems, gradually moving to the most complex problems. Be grateful to him, encourage his actions and successes, even if they seem very small to you.
- Remind yourself and him more often that you are a real Woman, and your husband is a real Man. Don't be ironic, speak sincerely. You yourself will not notice how the situation will change, and you will again find yourself under the protection, care and patronage of your beloved man.
Very often, women are worried about another problem - their husbands rarely give flowers. But just recently he didn’t need a reason for a beautiful bouquet.
Seeing flowers, you could not fully enjoy them, because the money spent on them made a hole in the family budget. Out of habit, you refused flowers even when you really wanted to, and the family budget already allowed it. Over time, your husband also lost the initiative to present you with even modest bouquets.
Or was there only a wedding bouquet in your life together? Then, trying to choose the most sincere answer, ask yourself only one question: “Do I really not love myself at all?”
How to fix the situation?
- Ask. Just ask your husband to give you flowers. It doesn’t matter that the bouquet will not be the most luxurious, but the one that he can afford now. It is important that today you begin to create the best for yourself.
- Alternatively, you can purchase a bouquet yourself. Go to a flower shop, choose the most beautiful bouquet for the person you love most - for yourself, buy it. Tell your husband honestly that while passing by a flower shop, you remembered that you haven’t received flowers for a long time, so you bought them yourself.
By changing your attitude towards yourself, you will see how people around you will begin to show unprecedented interest in you, giving their attention and care.
Stop talking, start listening
It's easy to talk. Anyone can do it. Listen? It's hard. Most people hear the conversation, but few actually listen.
In John's experience, this is especially true in high-pressure situations: people are nervous, and those nerves make them talk. The result is usually a bunch of empty, meaningless conversations that accomplish nothing for anyone.
Listening is a skill that many of us take for granted. As a result, few people do it well.
John believes that the biggest obstacles to active listening are these three things:
- Preconceptions: When you assume that a person won't have anything interesting to say, your brain shuts down.
- Distractions. If you have something else on your mind, it will be clear that you are not fully present in the conversation.
- Thinking through your words: Too often people are so caught up in rehearsing what they are going to say next that they fail to truly listen.
These are bad habits that must be overcome before you can fully engage in active listening. The easiest way to get rid of them is to regularly ask yourself in conversations: “Am I really listening to this person?”
The simpler you dress, the less likely it is that people will recognize you by your clothes.
Let's look at an example. You will put on your usual summer dress, bright, even acidic sandals, as well as super conspicuous glasses and go out in public.
And this is how you dress on a regular basis. People are used to seeing you in this role, so when they meet you, they immediately pay attention to this distinctive clothing. If, say, you wore different, discreet outfits day after day, you wouldn’t have any characteristic features that make people recognize you.
Instead of releasing new, cheaper versions, Tesla has reduced the price of the current Model Y
Oleg Tabakov's grandson Nikita did not inherit his grandfather's distinctive features (photo)
Makarevich’s young wife posted a joint photo with her husband for the first time
For this reason, if you wear regular jeans with a shirt, you will become invisible.
Summary
It is not enough just to meet a person for him to become your business partner or reliable friend tomorrow. You need to arouse interest. John China learned these rules from his own experience:
- Show genuine interest in the person you are talking to.
- Ask him clarifying questions after he has answered the main one.
- Don't shy away from difficult conversations.
- Form your point of view on important issues and don't be afraid to express it.
- Develop yourself and take time for self-education.
- Learn to listen actively.
Follow John China's advice - it will help surprise even the most experienced people.
How else can you arouse the interest of your interlocutor? Share your experience in the comments!
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Key words:1Communication
