Formation of adequate self-esteem, adequate perception of oneself
The very first steps in the development of emotional intelligence (EQ) is the skill of adequately perceiving oneself, one’s reactions, emotions, and understanding one’s strengths and weaknesses.
First, we learn to observe our emotions, to simply notice what is happening inside me. And only then we realize them more deeply, we can understand the reasons why this or that emotion “came out”, we see our impulsive patterns of behavior. And also what thoughts accompanied the appearance of this emotion.
In order to form adequate self-esteem and self-perception, you need to start with a simple but very important step:
- Step 1: write down all your weaknesses: character traits, susceptibility to one or another negative emotion (envy, resentment, anger, etc.), your patterns, expectations.
Also pay attention to what our loved ones mirror to us - you can analyze their attitude towards us, how much we agree with it, and write it down on this list.
As well as irrational beliefs about yourself, the world and other people (as far as you can see this for yourself, working with a psychologist usually helps in understanding them). To see an irrational belief, sometimes it is enough to track what thought or attitude caused a negative reaction.
It’s simple: if I’m a priori convinced that all people are lazy (I’m the only one working here for ten, but I’m not valued), then the usual first reaction to another person will be... what? Irritation, complaint? Resentment that he didn't do what he should have?
And it is very important to begin to realize these beliefs and observe how they cause negative emotions, on the basis of which we most often behave very impulsively, not consciously...
But! There is no need to start fighting your “weaknesses”. It is important to know them, to see how they act in your life. And stop there for now! These are the limits of our competence. Next, it is important to take the second step - and now put maximum effort into it!
- Step 2: write down your strengths.
What do you love to do and what do you do best that other people appreciate you for? What character qualities do you have that are well developed and help you cope with difficulties and achieve success in life? If you don’t see it in yourself, ask your loved ones: “Tell me, what do you think I do best? Why do you value me? What character traits do you like in me?”
Oh, I'm sure you can learn a lot about yourself. And even unexpectedly pleasant.
And now, knowing your strong character traits, your strengths and talents...
Attention! Important!!!
We begin to make efforts to further strengthen, develop, and manifest them!
Yes, the whole point is that we don’t focus on the “negative sides”, so we will get stuck in them like in a swamp, and this can be for a long time. And we are making efforts to develop the potential that already exists. We find the resource that is inherent in us. And thanks to this (and awareness), the “negative sides” will also tighten up, or will begin to appear less and less in our lives.
And help your children develop in the same way! Do not put great effort into those traits and qualities that are poorly developed. There is no need to make a “superman” out of a child (and even out of oneself), smoothing out all the rough edges.
Develop what comes easily to the child, what he likes and brings pleasure. And you will see that thanks to this, a huge energy resource will open up!
When we do what we love, we feel fulfilled! When we force ourselves to work on something we don't like, we lose energy. And children too.
There is no need to weed, it is important to cultivate talents!
If a child cries: “Oh, I can’t do it! But Petya succeeds!” We tell him: “Okay, let’s think about what you can do well?” We tell him what he can do and what he is talented at. In this way, the child develops adequate self-esteem, that he is not omnipotent, that he does not need to compare himself with others, he only needs to compare with himself.
Also, correct internal self-esteem in a child is not formed through external evaluation or praise. And it’s important to ask him: “How do you yourself evaluate what happened? Do you like it yourself?”
Both the child and the adult have an internal understanding of what I succeed and what I don’t, whether I did it well or not. It is important to record your progress! Notice them and even write them down in your self-achievement diary .
What is self-esteem and why is it important?
The future of a child is largely determined by the initial conditions that parents create for him, especially when forming his attitude towards life, the world around him, and most importantly, towards himself. How significant a person perceives himself and how much self-respect he has is reflected by the level of his self-esteem.
Let's answer basic questions about self-esteem:
- Why is it important?
- adequate self-esteem helps a child treat himself and other people with dignity. And this is the key to successful social adaptation and building harmonious relationships, including in the future when starting a family;
- normal self-esteem allows you to truthfully assess your strengths and weaknesses and, guided by this, develop your skills and talents, which in the future will allow you to achieve success in the professional space and a corresponding position in society
- Why should parents ask this question? The world of a child under 3 years old is concentrated in the family. Parents are a priori perceived as authorities. The law applies - “if mom or dad does or says so, then it is so.” This is the norm. That’s what I want too.” The child is not able to form an idea of himself with his own eyes. He, like a sponge, absorbs what is happening around him and “mirrors” the attitude demonstrated towards him.
The formation of self-esteem occurs before the age of 7 years. Later, according to child psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya, the influence of mom and dad on the child’s self-esteem weakens every year.
Based on this, parents must take responsibility for developing self-esteem in their child from birth.
How to influence a child’s correct self-esteem
The formation of normal self-esteem in children is accompanied by the development of independence and well-founded self-confidence. Most often, psychologists discuss the correction of children's self-esteem in the context of increasing it. To do this, they advise following the following recommendations:
- The basic rule is to show unconditional love. The child must see: he is loved for what he is. He should not have a goal to deserve parental love. Lack of attachment, according to the theory of English psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, reduces self-esteem and increases anxiety in children.
Constant tactile contact contributes to the development of basic trust in the world around us
- Find time to spend positive time together. The classic of child psychology, Maya Lisina, claims that self-esteem is inextricably linked with the atmosphere of constant friendly communication with loved ones.
- Adequacy of rewards and punishments:
- You need to scold precisely for bad behavior and for misconduct with the message “your behavior is wrong, this action is bad,” without getting personal. We evaluate not the child, but his actions, with a detailed explanation;
- We express praise to the point and without unnecessary praise.
- A disdainful attitude towards the baby's world should be avoided. This applies to:
- his hobbies. For example, if a child is looking at worms in a puddle, there is no need to suppress his interest with the words “ugh, what a nasty thing” or “stop digging in the dirt.” This can extinguish nascent interest, which, for example, could contribute to the development of a scientist’s talent;
- dreams and fantasies. Imagination develops the brain. And the ability to dream precedes goal setting at a more conscious age. Help your child develop the flight of his thoughts, show interest, dream with him;
- problems and negative experiences. How often do you say “this is absolutely nonsense”, “there’s no need to cry over this”, “I found something to be upset about, just think”? Adults say this out of good intentions to reassure. But this only suppresses emotions and forms in the child the understanding that his personal problems are not important to you. Need I say that he carries this understanding with his entire person? And emotions need to be realized. Both bad and good. It is better to clarify the reasons for the “tragedy”, express your agreement that this is really a nuisance, offer to find a solution or distract it with something joyful.
It is important to allow children to experience emotions and teach them how to express them correctly
- Give children the right to choose and make decisions from an early age. Masaru Ibuka, a talented businessman and founder of Sony, is sure that it is before the age of three that the desire to independently explore the world and master new skills is formed, and this directly affects the tendency to success and genius in the future. Your task is to tell about different types of hobbies, professions and, if possible, give the child a chance to try an activity that interests him.
- It is important to create a “success zone” for the baby, that is, immerse him in an environment where he can achieve good results. It is good if the assessment of his success is expressed by strangers (educators, neighbors, other parents or children).
- Strengthen your character, learn to control your emotions. Sports activities are ideal for this, especially with individual performances. Feelings of responsibility for personal results oblige you to difficult tests, repeated exercises, and discipline. It is important to choose activities that attract the child, and not you. The famous psychologist Julia Gippenreiter advises avoiding clubs that a child attends “under pressure”, since this, on the contrary, contributes to a decrease in the sense of self-worth.
Playing sports involves working not only on your body, but also on your character, which, if successful, helps to increase self-confidence
- Do not create “hothouse” conditions, allow the child to overcome difficulties and reap the fruits of his “successes”. Avoid being overprotective unless it concerns safety. Let them make mistakes and learn from them. Any prohibitions and restrictions are harmful because, firstly, they have the opposite effect, that is, they encourage the violation of parental taboos, and secondly, they deprive the child of independence skills.
Video: Dmitry Karpachev on increasing children's self-esteem
Development of self-esteem at different stages of preschool age
It has been established that the status and position of the child in the group also affects the self-esteem of the preschooler. For example, a tendency towards overestimation is more often found by “unpopular” children, whose authority in the group is low; underestimation - “popular” people whose emotional well-being is quite good.
Throughout preschool childhood, a general positive self-esteem is maintained, based on selfless love and care from close adults. It contributes to the fact that preschoolers tend to overestimate their capabilities. Expanding the types of activities that a child masters leads to the formation of a clear and confident specific self-esteem, which expresses his attitude to the success of a particular action.
It is characteristic that at this age the child separates his own self-esteem from the assessment of himself by others. A preschooler’s knowledge of the limits of his strength occurs on the basis of not only communication with adults, but also his own practical experience; children with inflated or underestimated ideas about themselves are more sensitive to the evaluative influences of adults and are easily influenced by them.
At the age of three to seven years, communication with peers plays a significant role in the process of self-awareness of a preschooler. An adult is an unattainable standard, and you can compare yourself with your peers. When exchanging evaluative influences, a certain attitude towards other children arises and at the same time the ability to see oneself through their eyes develops. A child’s ability to analyze the results of his own activities directly depends on his ability to analyze the results of other children. Thus, in communication with peers, the ability to evaluate another person develops, which stimulates the development of relative self-esteem. It expresses the child’s attitude towards himself in comparison with other people.
The younger the preschoolers, the less significant peer assessments are for them. At three to four years old, children’s mutual assessments are more subjective and more often influenced by their emotional attitude towards each other. At this age, a child overestimates his ability to achieve results, knows little about personal qualities and cognitive capabilities, and often confuses specific achievements with a high personal assessment. Given developed communication experience at the age of five, a child not only knows about his skills, but also has some idea of his cognitive capabilities, personal qualities, appearance, and reacts adequately to success and failure. At six to seven years old, a preschooler has a good idea and assessment of his physical capabilities, and he develops an idea of his personal qualities and mental capabilities. Children, on the other hand, are almost unable to generalize the actions of their comrades in different situations and do not differentiate qualities that are similar in content. In early preschool age, positive and negative peer assessments are distributed evenly. Positive assessments predominate among older preschoolers. Children aged 4.5 - 5.5 years are most susceptible to peer assessments. The ability to compare oneself with friends reaches a very high level in children five to seven years old. For older preschoolers, rich experience of individual activity helps them critically evaluate the influence of peers.
