Hi all! Olga Strugovshchikova is with you .
Today we will talk about the reasons for the fear that nothing will work out. They can be very different. Starting with self-doubt. In conclusion, there are benefits to staying in the state you are in now, because everything is clear and easy here. Everything may not be very good, but at the same time everything is familiar.
From the video you will learn:
- What is behind the fear that nothing will work out?
- fear of making a mistake
- no need to be afraid of fear itself
What is behind the fear that nothing will work out?
We are talking about the fear that nothing will work out, in the context of the fact that a person is now standing at a crossroads and wondering which way to go. And it doesn't do anything at all. Because he's afraid it won't work out.
A lot of people talk about this. What's behind this? From what I heard, this is a fear of being disappointed in oneself, first of all, and a fear of spending a certain amount of money and time. And again everything is in the same place.
There is also a fear that nothing will work out like what we said about perfectionism. What is meant is that “I will not become an Olympic champion, I will not become a prima dancer at the Bolshoi Theater, I will not become the owner of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, I will not become the President of Russia,” that is, “nothing will work out” means that it will not work out something specific and, most often, very large. That is, you still won’t become the best doctor in the world, so you shouldn’t even start. You won’t be able to be the greatest professional in this matter and, accordingly, you shouldn’t even start.
I won’t succeed, maybe it’s too late for me - this was the very first broadcast. And I heard conversations about the fact that I’m already 44, and not so young, not so energetic. Or I’m already 30, and after having children I can’t fully devote the day to my favorite activity. Accordingly, nothing will work out for me. Many people also mean age here.
Sometimes, if we understand that behind the fear “I won’t succeed” is perfectionism, then we ask ourselves: “How?! Nothing, nothing will work out?”, “Will it suit me if I’m not a film director of Spielberg’s level, but a film director who shoots, for example, commercials for medium-sized businesses. How will I deal with this? Will I feel happy here? Or just Spielberg and that’s it.” Sometimes it’s the desire to become a super model, or to become a super doctor, a super rescuer, or whatever “super”, that is, the most important thing at the top of the horizon. These are not actually desires, but rather “anti-desires”.
The subconscious slips them in so that you don’t go anywhere. Because there is a certain part of us that is responsible for stability, for staying in the place where you are now. Thus, she takes care of you, giving you the idea that you must strive for the biggest, so that you have billions of dollars in turnover, the Forbes list - 1st, 2nd, 3rd place - no less. And if it’s 4th place, then there’s no point in starting.
If you recognize yourself in this description, pay attention now.
The magic word "no"
When in childhood we were taught magic words that open all doors and at the same time cost you nothing (for example, “thank you,” “please,” “sorry”), our parents clearly forgot to add one more word to this set of young fairies - “no " There’s so much you could do during the time you spent in dubious art places with a friend or at get-togethers after work with uninteresting colleagues.
How much money could be saved by refraining from unnecessary purchase of a second pair of boots on a share sale with someone in the company or by not going on a joint shopping trip. How much health could you save by refusing another cocktail/hookah/fast food trip on the initiative of a significant person: “I’ll be poisoned with him, but he won’t have anything to reproach me with.” Funny motive, isn't it? Funny until you actually come across such a proposal. And here you have to choose between principles and ease of existence.
Fear of making a mistake
The next typical fear of failure is that in our society we have a fear of making mistakes. Most of us were not lucky enough to study in ordinary Soviet and post-Soviet schools. There they demanded to do it right away, without mistakes. And they praised what was done right away.
You can achieve this even at school. Although it is also quite difficult when you are required, even in class work, when studying a new topic, to immediately get an A and they demand perfection.
Mistakes are marked with red pastes, they scold you for them and focus on the fact that a mistake is bad.
In fact, the fear that nothing will work out means that it may not work out the first time, the second, the fifth, the tenth. If you read the success stories of famous people, they all say that before success there is a series of failures.
There are, for example, famous actors - a quartet. They starred in the films “Radio Day”, “Election Day”, “What Men Talk About”. They became a famous, popular quartet when they were already closer to 35-40 years old, and before that they were also doing something. In one interview they said that “yes, now we’re on a roll, but before that we somehow lived,” that is, no one saw a series of failures. Accordingly, they failed once and twice to fill the halls and gain all-Russian fame.
Other stories, for example, of Edison, often say that he invented a thousand ways to prevent a lamp from working. And the story of one of the basketball players who said that in fact he lost a number of games, threw past the hoop a number of times, but still became a famous basketball player.
That is, “nothing will work out” is seen as something that should work out the first time. As soon as you try, it will work right away. Here it is advisable to change the fear of error to such an attitude that an error is simply feedback that at the moment I have done something wrong. And we need to learn a lesson from this and, in the future, continue further. And treat the error as feedback from the outside world. And not as a tragedy, which says that you are a loser and that’s it. If you didn’t manage to build your business on your favorite business the first time and earn a million billion at once, then this is only a reason to think about what you can do to improve your ideas in your business, what to do differently in order for it to flourish.
For example, you do yoga or drawing, or like Natalya is the director of a Russian school in Cameroon. And I suspect that things didn’t work out for her right away either. I don’t even suspect it, but I know it. Natalia and I have been working for a long time.
Who has it been in your life that you did not immediately achieve success, but you did not give up after some failures, you still moved on? I suggest treating this as a natural part of the path.
So, what I would like to convey to you today once again.
There may be different factors behind the fear that nothing will work out. For some it’s perfectionism, for others it’s an incorrect attitude towards mistakes, for others it’s the idea that I’m not as old as I should be for some reason. Each of these points is worth working on. It's not easy to change your attitude towards failure.
In the program for finding a calling, “Money from what you love,” we definitely work through this fear.
Scale of the problem
First, let's clarify whether situations are really relevant for you when you are tense and your thoughts are feverishly mixed in a vicious circle: “Once again they will ask me for something, but I don’t want it. What to do? What excuse can you come up with to leave me behind and still maintain the appearance of a good relationship?” As in the old saying: the wolves are fed and the sheep are safe. Only this outcome of the matter costs you (you worry about this!) a huge amount of energy. Coming up with excuses and finding compromises is not so easy. If your answer is yes and it bothers you, move on.
There is no need to be afraid of fear itself
At the initial stage, everyone wants a guarantee and they ask me the question: “How many people reach the finals? How many people find an idea for their favorite business? Behind this question is: “Give me a guarantee that if I go to the program, then after it I will know what to do.” It is very difficult to give guarantees in this matter.
I can say that technology works. Many people have completed this program and achieved results. First we consider your desires, then your abilities.
On this basis, we look for ideas for favorite things to do, then we evaluate these ideas according to special criteria.
These ideas are tested, then they are tried on and a plan is thought out for where the income will come from. Concrete steps and actions are being taken.
And then, as a result, a person has an understanding of which direction he can go. But there are several more backup options if the first one doesn’t work for some reason. Accordingly, on this path, the fear that it won’t work out prevents you from taking either the first steps or the subsequent ones.
And my most important recommendation today is that you don’t need to be afraid of fear itself. Fear protects you. You need to treat it with gratitude, understand what it is protecting you from, and show that you can cope with it and begin to act, even before the fear completely passes.
Maybe you won't succeed, but no one really knows. Like in a joke. During the exam, a blonde girl is asked: “What do you think is the probability that you will meet a dinosaur on the street? She answers: 50%. The teacher asks: “Why?” - Because, either I’ll meet you or I won’t meet you. That is, 50% of what I will meet and 50% of what I will not meet.”
There is always a chance that it will work out, and there is always a chance that it won’t work out. So let's focus on the probability that it will work out. And if suddenly some kind of failure occurs, then we treat this as feedback that corrects the movement. And you need to start acting, even despite this fear.
I remembered a phrase from my client’s father. They were going to do something. She asks her father if he knows how to do this, he replied that he doesn’t know how to do it now, but they will start and learn in the process.
It's important to try and learn in the process. And, naturally, the chance that it will work increases. And there is also the same common phrase “If you don’t try, you definitely won’t succeed.” One hundred percent will not work.” So try it!
Author:
Olga Strugovshchikova - author of the project “Mom’s Career”
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Projection Power
We often think that a person will be offended by us, although we may be mistaken. Or, even if so, we imagine how terrible it will affect our relationship with him. This is called projection, when we attribute to other people our feelings and possible ways of reacting. It is not at all necessary that you will really offend with a refusal. You can dispel false ideas by sharing your assumptions with the other party. As a rule, there is always a backup option, and you shouldn’t assume that there won’t be a movie without you. Well, if you refuse to do it, someone else will find you.
Rational approach
The best way to get rid of the fear of offending others with your actions and behavior is to make peace with yourself. Then you will not make excuses and make concessions, trying to make amends for your ephemeral guilt. All worries will dissipate if you are confident that you are right. And your desire to sleep or spend the weekend as you want deserves the same respect as the claims of others on your time. Self-love begins with caring for your needs and feelings. Learn to take care of yourself, and the caring attitude of others towards you will be a pleasant bonus to getting rid of the fear of offending someone.
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And again about borders
Unfortunately, the problem of being able to defend our personal boundaries turns out to be very difficult for many of us. This is the inability to protect one’s territory, when a person imposes his society on you, demands from you something that you do not want to do. And you have to bend, balancing between your dissatisfaction and relationships with people who absolutely do not care whether you are comfortable or not. After all, the main thing is that they sit warm and comfortable on your neck. You can visualize this picture the next time you agree to something unnecessary/unpleasant for you. Interestingly, we often find ourselves in close relationships with those who do not feel like they are causing us trouble. By the way, they will be the first to accuse you of indifference and callousness if you start driving them out of your possessions.
