7 Signs of a Chronic Perfectionist

Who is a perfectionist: definition

Perfectionism (from the French “perfection”) is the belief that every person can and should be perfect; one must strive for the ideal all the time and help other people achieve it. This term arose among Protestants of the 19th century and later degenerated into the concept of “classical perfectionism”, presented in the philosophy of I. Kant, G. Leibniz and Marx, who believed that a person should strive for perfect internal moral purity and develop his skills.
The desire to bring everything started to an ideal ending is a trait worthy of respect. A certain category of people strives for this, regardless of the circumstances, capabilities and desires of others. Such individuals include perfectionists - excellent performers and strict bosses.
A perfectionist is a person who strives for perfection in everything; his life credo says that you can always achieve an ideal result if you try. And, at first glance, this is not so bad, since a perfectionist tries to be the best in everything. No matter what it costs, he will achieve his goal, no matter how difficult it may seem.

Ideal

Such people are irreplaceable as employees, since the concept of “a lot of work” simply does not exist for them. “I see the goal - I don’t see the obstacles” - it is said about a perfectionist . However, there is also the other side of the coin, and it lies in the fact that every result is not good enough for a perfectionist; he constantly strives for more, competing both with other people and with himself.
This is due to psychological problems, a kind of dysfunction that entails a state of dissatisfaction not only with one’s own actions, but with any activity of others. Due to constant attempts to stand out, to be “head and shoulders above” the rest, a perfectionist knows no rest – neither physical nor emotional.
The slightest failure can not only upset him, but also drive him into depression for a long time, which can even result in attempts to commit suicide.

Doesn't tolerate failure

Too strong a desire to be perfect in the eyes of other people often leads to a lack of friendly support in life (it is not so easy to find friends who meet the exorbitant demands of an idealistic person), the inability to devote time to loved ones, relaxation and favorite hobbies (too much time is spent on the simplest activities out of a desire to do everything as well as possible). Problems with the nervous system appear due to tension (ideal results of any activity require proof).

Perfectionist man

All loved ones need to have boundless love and patience to adapt to a perfectionist man. They must be able to shut up in time, not say too much, and when it is necessary to praise and support.

A perfectionist man is a man who stands out among other men by his manifestations of excessive reflection, global self-criticism, rejection of external criticism, intolerance to mistakes, uncompromisingness and intransigence, and fear of failure. These characteristics can make an adult man a whiner, a pedant, or a despot. Any of these cases will make loved ones unhappy and their lives difficult. Everyone will have to adapt to the head of the family, rules and regulations, and endure his mood swings, which arise because he is either satisfied with himself or extremely dissatisfied.

Day by day, a man can change - be a proud and confident person, or an insecure person whining about life's injustice and failure.

A woman should not assume that this is a quick-passing thing for a man, and he will soon change. This position of the husband is very persistent, so it remains part of the character and radical changes do not occur. It is better to come to terms with the inevitable, which cannot be changed, and try to influence what is still possible to change. For example, you can tell your husband that if he does not rearrange his clothes in orderly rows at least once, then this time will be given to the children or their common interests.

Many men have a fear of failure because they cannot achieve ideal results, so they never relax at all. It is necessary to offer a man such alternatives so that he can think about the irresistible desire for absolutism. Distract him from the perfect execution of everyday tasks. The help of a loving wife can prevent his depression. It is worth telling your husband that there is no clear need for a perfect relationship between spouses and children.

It is advisable to remind your husband that joint sports and walks will help loved ones learn more about each other, lift their spirits and improve their health. It is worth periodically distracting him with your proposals in order to spend time together if the man is working on one job quite intensively and in depth. The main thing is not to dissuade him, to do the work he loves, so that he does not accidentally interpret it as his wife’s misunderstanding and this does not cause his aggression.

Such a man should know about his wife’s suffering through the lack of proper attention to her. Since this is also a kind of activity, of course, he will want this area to be ideal.

In order for the spouses to feel order in their household responsibilities, the wife must divide the responsibilities so that those tasks that require a thorough approach are given to her husband. The perfectionist spouse should realize that the most responsible work is reserved for him, as this will increase self-esteem and provide great support. Manipulating the husband's perfectionism, he himself may like it, since he does the work and he likes it. In this way, the perfectionist wife and husband remain satisfied.

A perfectionist husband can help his wife around the house and get excited about cooking. At first, the wife will be pleased with her husband’s aspirations, but with his idealism he can get to the heart of even the most hardworking and tidy housewife.

Why does a person become a perfectionist?

Reasons for the development of perfectionism:

The origins of perfectionism are often found in childhood , when, striving for attention and respect from adults, the child always “works” for praise, he fulfills the requirements with an “A”, therefore, he is loved - that’s the only way.
The realization that a person is only valuable because he does right by others, looks great, etc. Some teenagers who are perfectionists, who have experienced a breakup only because their partner lacked an ideal face or a not-too-proportionate figure, subsequently reflexively “reach out” to the ideal people, in their opinion, in order to feel complete.
Perfectionism, as a type of neurosis , is initially based on healthy idealism, but the incessant fear of potential failure entails depressive states, absolute dissatisfaction with oneself. In order to avoid nervous breakdowns, you need to be the best in a certain field of activity, and not spread yourself thin on everything at once.

Perfectionism: an innate or acquired quality

Contrary to what most people think, perfectionism is an acquired quality.

Perfectionists are not born, they are made.

Yes, this is one of the character traits of a person, but perfectionists are not born, they are made.

Based on research conducted by scientists, they have discovered the fact that such a character trait as perfectionism begins in childhood.

The reasons are pressure from family members, from society, the imposition of an ideal model of human behavior, which is most likely unrealistic.

A small person who is just beginning to enter a large and complex world is already required to perform perfect results, otherwise he will be deprived of his portion of love and respect.

People are perfectionists: character traits

How to recognize a true perfectionist? In fact, they are characterized by some features and patterns of behavior:

The “all or nothing” principle - for such people there is no “golden mean”; they are people of extremes, so sometimes they judge others by a single action. That is, having seen at some point that a person is acting badly, a perfectionist immediately labels him: “He is bad, evil,” etc.
They are not only people of extremes - even to themselves, they rarely think positively, for example: “I ate candy - the end of the diet... why not finish the whole box.”
They do not tend to entrust someone with work (even the simplest one), since perfectionists are convinced that no one will complete the task better than themselves. The environment tends to think that such behavior is overly anxious, but for a perfectionist it is just a desire to do everything perfectly.
They are demanding both of themselves and of other people. By giving their best every time, they expect everyone else to do the same. Perhaps this is the reason that failure for a perfectionist is like death.

Ideality

It is difficult for them to complete something due to the fact that they always want to improve the result . The desire to share the fruits of your efforts with others is also great, since you really want to hear words of approval.
The words “debt, must” often appear in a perfectionist’s head and are no less often voiced. He establishes his own rules, which no one has the right to violate; opponents of his “laws” become persona non grata.
Such individuals are confident in themselves only after reaching considerable heights, supported by universal recognition. They need to be perfect not only in their own eyes, but also in the assessments of others. Having achieved one goal, perfectionists immediately switch to another.
Any failure causes them mental anguish, and it can be just one, minor miscalculation, which immediately makes perfectionists doubt themselves.

If a person with this type of thinking understands that he is not able to perform some task perfectly, he simply will not take it on or put it on the back burner until he understands how to bring everything to the ideal.

In an effort to do everything perfectly , a perfectionist spends too much time at work, endlessly improving and rechecking something. Thus, hobbies and loved ones are left unattended.
Criticism for them is like a red rag for a bull, even if it is in essence. Having heard a critical remark addressed to him, the “ideal person” may not react quite adequately and become reluctant to carry out the task or request.

Types of “ideal” personalities:

Adaptive perfectionist - perceives initial failure as an impetus for development that can lead to much greater “heights.”
A maladaptive perfectionist most likely suffers from a mental disorder, since he is always dissatisfied with any of his achievements, so the result of actions, in any case, is negative (in the opinion of this individual).

Characteristic

Perfectionist - meaning of the word

It seems to many that a perfectionist is a person who has excellent dignity; they consider him to be quite confident, decent and impeccable. But psychologists determine that a perfectionist is often not who he is thought to be. Most of these people have low self-esteem, which negatively affects their personality and performance.

A perfectionist does not perceive the meaning of the “golden mean”; he distinguishes only the extremes by which he determines the ideal or non-ideal. This person strives to do absolutely everything perfectly, much better than others, or not start anything at all. He literally does everything himself, because he believes that asking for help is a manifestation of his weakness.

A perfectionist is a person who is characterized by perfectionism, which is the driving force of this individual. His main goal is the need to achieve excellence for himself and others.

If a person is a perfectionist, then he is a supporter of improvement or always striving for the height of perfection. Such a person strives to reach the goal, having achieved it to the fullest extent; the average result will not satisfy him. This is what often leads them to neuroses and stress.

A perfectionist is very difficult to accept criticism; he is susceptible to the opinions of society, because he wants to appear flawless in front of others. Such a person hides his own shortcomings in every possible way so that those around him do not discover them and cannot think of his personality as unworthy. Therefore, such people basically do everything to appear ideal in front of others. They interpret any small failure as their own insignificance and believe that they cannot improve themselves further, they feel useless, and their self-esteem decreases significantly.

To understand what a perfectionist means, observing other individuals and, of course, yourself will help.

A perfectionist is a responsible person who is highly attentive to subtleties. He is very afraid of making a mistake, so he strives to do everything perfectly. Such a person spends a lot of time improving what he does, he sets absolute ideals for himself, so everything else is unacceptable to him. He is a strict critic of himself, and does not accept criticism from the outside. He always imagines the final goal and does not think about intermediate stages.

How to deal with a perfectionist?

Rules for communicating with a perfectionist:

Set him up as an example as a persistent and hardworking person.
From time to time, give him a time-consuming and responsible task. By doing it, he will give you a break.
When listening to a continuous stream of comments from the “ideal person,” do not get upset, but pretend that you agree with the criticism, meanwhile turning a deaf ear to it. This way, your pride will not suffer, and the perfectionist will be sure that he was understood.
In case of excessive claims on the part of a perfectionist, when even persuasion and intimate conversations do not help, recommend that he contact a specialist.

Psychologists believe that the basis of perfectionism may be the desire to hear praise addressed to oneself, or sometimes the fear of doing something wrong. All this is the background to low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence, which are the origins of this concept.

Why does a perfectionist behave this way?

Origins of fear

A feeling of fear arises when a person carries out some kind of assignment and is not entirely sure how the result of his efforts will be perceived: they will praise or refuse, scold.
The fear of being unclaimed or criticized undermines an individual’s already insufficient self-esteem. Without knowing by what parameters his work will be evaluated, a person strives to endlessly improve it, thus losing the precious time allocated to the task and not receiving the long-awaited praise.
Thus, without finding out what exactly is required of him, the employee will believe that he is always unfinishing something and raise the “bar” even higher.

Desire for praise

Even if a perfectionist has a strong belief that his work will be positively assessed , he will make every effort to ensure that the result of his work evokes at least applause (especially from those people who are aware of how difficult the project given to the perfectionist was).

Universal recognition

Such people are afraid of being a “gray mass” and not standing out. They are constantly oppressed by the feeling that no one sees their abilities, no matter how hard they try.
And although a perfectionist in most cases is confident in his ideality, confirmation of his talents, recognition of them out loud in front of the masses, is necessary for him like air.

Perfectionism: pros and cons

Perfectionism, like any other character trait, can be beneficial or harmful to a person.

Psychologists distinguish two forms:

Positive. This is a character trait that is necessary in modern life. Such people always find a way out of situations from which there seems to be no way out. Positive perfectionism is an optimistic attitude, clear and formulated decisions and actions, usually characteristic of inventive people.
Negative. This form is already a neurotic disease, since a person begins to make the highest possible demands in everything. If the result is not achieved (as a rule, it is not achieved in 70% of cases), the person ceases to see any light in life. Then the person begins to destroy himself with negative thoughts, self-esteem decreases, and against this background a depressive state appears. The close circle of an unhealthy perfectionist suffers the most. This person cannot control his emotions, which he, as a rule, splashes out on his family.

Types of perfectionist people

There are several types of perfectionist people. These include:

Children

They have inflated demands on themselves already at an early age.
The kid is ready to complete the task only if he is confident in advance of its successful outcome, and he is a worthy opponent.
He takes his mistakes, as well as criticism, painfully , is subject to doubts about his talents, he is not satisfied with any result of his own work, which is why he has to spend a lot of time on the task in order to bring it to the ideal.
How should parents behave with such children? The main task is to help your child increase self-esteem, explain that any mistake can be corrected, and teach him to set goals that can be achieved if everything is planned correctly.
Parents should remember that any comparison with another child, as well as the requirement to achieve high results no matter what or “pay” with love and care for achievements, is unacceptable.

Stronger sex

It would seem that he has some characteristics of a perfectionist : the desire to be better than others, to keep everything under control, to have his own “bars” for development and achievements, he sometimes “goes too far”, making a man a person prone to excessive drama. There is no tolerance for both one’s own and others’ mistakes, and there is an aversion to compromise.
It is clear that such behavior deprives the stronger sex of masculinity - instead of a self-confident personality, a person becomes only a weak likeness of it, overgrown with complexes and fears. It is very difficult to get along with such a person, because he constantly demands something, sets limits and punishes himself, and then his loved ones.

Ideality
Fairer sex

It is especially difficult for fragile women to be perfect. They must constantly have “victories” over themselves (ideal appearance), loved ones (ideal home and family) and work (ideality in the eyes of the boss and employees).
But no matter how difficult it is for a perfectionist woman to achieve all these heights, she is forced day after day to conquer the peaks she built with her own hands.
Such ladies are not inclined to show tolerance towards loved ones, so children in such a family often turn down a crooked path, challenging their mother with their behavior. At some point, spouses also cannot stand such pedantry and leave for less demanding partners.

Managers

Subordinates of such individuals feel their constant inferiority , since the result of their work never receives approval.
A perfectionist boss always demands the maximum and becomes intolerant if his requests are not fulfilled.
Whatever task the employee receives, the result of his efforts will in any case be criticized and analyzed, down to the decimal point or number.

Subordinates are always wrong

Advice to subordinates of an idealistic leader: do not be offended by criticism and do not try to achieve praise. It is better to consult with your boss all the time, involving him in the process of completing his own task. This way, he will feel responsible for the outcome of the work, and also see that you follow all his recommendations.

How to overcome perfectionism?

On our website you can take a test for perfectionism to finally make sure whether this problem is relevant for you or not.

As you can see, the problem is much more serious than it seems at first glance. How to get rid of perfectionism if you have diagnosed it? The most effective and reliable way is to consult a psychologist. But you can start with simple steps that will allow you to loosen the grip of perfectionism a little.

Remember that, as is the case with all attitudes from childhood, getting rid of perfectionism is not a quick process and requires significant effort on yourself. However, this work will definitely pay off.

First of all, give yourself the right to make mistakes
and perform the task imperfectly. Accustom yourself to the idea that you are an ordinary person, and not the Lord God, so you can sometimes make mistakes. If failure occurs, learn the necessary lesson from it and move forward.
Stop comparing yourself to others
. This is one of the main problems of perfectionists. You are no better or worse than others, you are unique and interesting in your own way. Find something you truly enjoy doing (profession, hobby, etc.) and just enjoy the process, rather than trying to prove to everyone that you are the best. With this approach, success will not take long to arrive.
Stop focusing on the values and standards that are imposed by mass culture, the media, and social networks
. A mature adult should not blindly follow the standards and ideals imposed by someone; he has his own unique path. You can read more about this in our article “How not to depend on other people’s opinions”
Don't put off pursuing an urgent task or lifelong dream
. Feel free to move forward towards your goal. The longer you hang around waiting for the perfect situation, the perfect life partner, or the perfect job, the more likely it is that life will pass and you will be left broke.

What to do for perfectionists: advice from psychologists

According to psychologists, perfectionists should:

Accustom yourself to distribute tasks according to their degree of importance and priority, spending a certain amount of effort and time on them;
Allow yourself periodic relaxation , that is, alternate between work and rest in order to conserve physical strength and maintain a positive attitude;
Stop comparing yourself to others, understand how they differ from others, what they are good at and what they are not.
Learn to experience joy from your own and other people’s achievements, without criticizing yourself for mistakes, but perceiving them as a step to subsequent success.
Start encouraging your own achievements : without focusing on shortcomings, try to see more good things in yourself (and not only positive actions, but also character traits that are worth loving yourself for).
Enjoy life in any available ways, for example, find a hobby “for the soul”, and not to get a grade.

To counter your own perfectionism, can you say the following?

You set achievable goals for yourself.
A perfectionist always tries to “bite off” more than he can “swallow.”
Act in harmony with yourself.
The goals you set are truly yours. The same cannot be said about a fellow perfectionist who tries first and foremost to please those around him. But you can't please everyone. Moreover, many will never like you by definition due to different views, tastes and moods.
Go your own way.
You know how to enjoy the creative process, be in the center of events and move towards your desired goal at a pleasant speed. Unlike those who live in anticipation of the final result. A perfectionist is rigidly attached to his tasks and is simply unable to enjoy the natural course of things.

Children who are raised in this spirit become accustomed to the fact that parental love depends on success.
That’s why they try their best to be the first. It would seem, what's bad here? However, as they mature, they become defensive and very sensitive to criticism. The slightest deviation from the standard to which they are accustomed cuts the ground from under their feet and pushes them into the swamp of depression.

A perfectionist is a thorny person who constantly finds faults in others.

, because I’m used to digging into myself. True, he often voices his discoveries with the best intentions - to open a person’s eyes so that he changes. Needless to say, the search for an ideal partner drags on for many years, and happiness turns into a ringing mirage.

Famous perfectionists

And, finally, let us remember some famous perfectionist personalities who, despite their complex nature, still brought considerable benefit to society, achieving significant success in various areas of life:

Among them is the writer Leo Tolstoy, who so wanted his works to be ideal that he endlessly amended them, and even burned one of his novels (the second volume of Dead Souls), considering that it was not good enough for the reader.
It is known that the founder, Steve Jobs , tried to make all his devices look impeccable - this requirement even applied to internal microchips, which had to look aesthetically pleasing.

Striving for perfection

Another famous perfectionist can be considered the commander Alexander the Great , who worried all his life about the fact that even one of the many universal worlds was not under his control.

Test: are you a perfectionist?

You can also check whether you are prone to perfectionism by taking this short ten-question test:

When planning to go on vacation, do you prefer:

consider the best options for comparison;
allow other people to choose for you;
plan a trip a couple of months in advance;
Vacation at the same resort for 15 years in a row.

You are the host of a house party that leaves your living room feeling like a battlefield. You reason:

“I’ll make my last efforts, but I’ll put things in order”;
“It’s worth cleaning up”;
“I won’t go to bed until the room is perfectly clean”;
“I’ll clean up in the morning.”

You agreed to give your friend a ride to the station, but got lost on the way. Your thoughts:

“He will hate me!”;
“I’ll stop, check the map, and we’ll continue on our way”;
“We won’t catch the train on time”;
"Everything will be fine".

You were unable to cope with the assigned task and believe that:

“And it was clear that I couldn’t do it!”;
“The next attempt will be successful”;
“I’m not capable of anything!”;
“It’s worth analyzing your mistakes...”

As a child, you stated that your parents' demands on you were:

overpriced;
tall;
acceptable;
understated.

Do you think that your parents' opinion of you can be characterized as:

“Well done, keep up the good work!”;
"Everything is fine!";
“You're not trying too hard!”;
"It could have been better."

When talking about yourself, you described your personality as:

very demanding;
too demanding;
not so demanding;
most likely demanding.

When your coworker or friend can do something better than you, what is your reaction?

“This is a complete failure”;
“He is capable of a lot!”;
“I did everything that depended on me”;
"I wasn't the best."

You did not have time to prepare for some event due to the fact that:

did not receive everything necessary for preparation and organization on time;
they double-checked it a hundred times so as not to miss anything;
you are too slow;
you didn’t immediately understand where to start.

After completing something, you usually:

you feel that you coped with it mediocrely;
are not often satisfied with themselves;
always satisfied with the results;
always very pleased with ourselves.

And you?
If your answer choices are more self-satisfying and less nagging, you are not a perfectionist. A diametrically opposite choice indicates that you have a craving for idealism. If the answers are approximately half self-criticism and half satisfaction with your actions, then your character is the “golden” mean.

How to become a perfectionist in your studies

Perfectionism in learning is an acquired character trait, which, unfortunately, is not always positive.

A survey was conducted among teachers of one of the leading universities in our country and to the question of how a perfectionist behaves in school and what emotions he evokes, the following answer was received:

“Among a large stream of students, it is not difficult to notice such a person - he always sits on the first desk, looking for eye contact with the teacher. Such students always ask a lot of questions, constantly make adjustments, and try to convey their own vision of the situation. Of course, any teacher is pleased to deal with smart and interested students, but constant “five cents” on any issue confuses thoughts, and ultimately such students begin to irritate the teacher. There have been cases when, due to discussions with such children during a lecture or seminar, the teacher did not have time to convey all the necessary information to the audience. Perfectionism in studies is good if it is moderate and does not interfere with the educational process.”

Excessive perfectionism in studies is already a disease, since a person is not interested in anything except studying and diligently completing all tasks.

Studying well is great, as long as it doesn't become obsessive.

This quality is usually found among females, who have been taught from early childhood that they should be the best, especially in school.

How to become a perfectionist in school? This quality is instilled in a person from childhood, from the moment he goes to first grade.

Active pressure begins from parents and from teachers.

Teachers and parents require completion of all assignments to the highest possible score, beautiful handwriting, careful keeping of all notebooks, attendance at all classes, etc.

Of course, this is good, this should be instilled in children, but if a child does not succeed in mathematics, does not know how to write in calligraphic handwriting, you should not put pressure on him, perhaps this is simply not his thing.

You need to remember one thing: a person is not a mechanized machine, he cannot do everything with an A plus, and there is no point in doing so.

If you have not become a perfectionist in your studies since elementary school, but you have a sense of responsibility and you know what awaits you if you do not defend your coursework on time or miss a lecture, then you have a healthy attitude towards learning and you should not forcibly instill perfectionism in yourself .