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When we meet “our” person, we will recognize him out of a thousand - so says the myth about romantic love. Did Romeo and Juliet doubt each other? But in real life, we wonder whether we chose the right person, whether our feelings are real - this is normal and does not always mean that the partner is not suitable for us.
However, if there is too much uncertainty, it interferes with even the most sincere love. Thus, with obsessive-compulsive relationship disorder, a person constantly doubts his partner and tests the relationship in an attempt to gain one hundred percent confidence, but this only increases anxiety, writes clinical psychologist Tatyana Pavlova.
Although relationship OCD is a psychiatric diagnosis, mentally healthy people can also fall into the trap of obsessive uncertainty about their partner. Why do we doubt? And how to deal with this without ruining a worthwhile relationship?
The Legend of a Bad Decision
Actually, why is it so difficult for you to make a decision? Because, as a rule, you choose from two (or more) approximately identical options. Well, you must admit, it’s not particularly difficult to choose between a hellish plowing job in a semi-basement with a salary (unofficial) of a thousand rubles a month and work on some paradise island in the Indian Ocean with a salary that can buy this very island. Here, in general, everything is obvious. Unless, of course, you are a clinical idiot or a masochist. The problem is choosing from several equally lousy or a couple of equally magical options. And here the myth of the wrong decision falls heavily on your shoulders. But wait, if you have two equally cool or two equally disgusting options, what's the problem? No problem. Just pick something already. To make it easier, you can flip a coin. If a coin is, in your opinion, too simple, throw... ummm, well, a seagull, for example, if it sticks its beak into the ground, make one decision, if it flies away, make another.
Why does a man begin to doubt his choice?
What does a man's temporary distance mean? How can a woman dispel her doubts? Why is the uncertainty stage important for a future marriage?
According to psychologists, each couple goes through certain stages in the development of relationships. Knowledge of the patterns of natural development of relationships contributes to emotional rapprochement, understanding and achievement of harmony.
The initial stage is attraction, when a man is captivated by female attractiveness and external beauty. Moreover, the feeling of sympathy for a new acquaintance does not restrain a man from being physically attracted to other women.
A woman at the attraction stage is more attracted to a man's intelligence. And a woman’s words about love at first sight may mean that she has complemented her chosen one with the masculine qualities she needs thanks to her developed imagination.
At the second stage - uncertainty - the man begins to be overcome by doubts, and he will move away from his girlfriend. He must decide on his attitude and adequately evaluate his feelings for her. It is important for a man to go through this stage so as not to experience it later in marriage. A woman needs to be patient, wait it out and not bother with questions - the guy himself may not know the answers to them.
Why does a man have doubts?
Many couples fail to maintain relationships at the stage of natural and natural alienation. The man continues to look at other girls and compares his partner with them. He has an image of an ideal companion in his head, although he is unlikely to be able to describe her specifically. And a man is able to forget about his imaginary ideal only when he meets his chosen one, in a relationship with whom he will feel successful.
A woman’s correct reaction to his actions and actions helps rid a man of doubts . At the beginning of a relationship, the man usually takes on the role of organizer of the date - he is the one who plans where to go, what to do and how to spend the time. He does this, perhaps giving up his important affairs for the sake of the meeting. He gives flowers, tries to be attentive and gallant, and takes care of the comfort of his girlfriend. By making it clear that she is pleased and that she appreciates his advances, a woman helps a man feel needed. He wants to continue the relationship and his attraction increases.
We must not forget that somewhat closed in terms of expressing his emotions, especially at the beginning of a relationship. A woman should refrain from asking questions about feelings and relationships. This will only push the man away and increase his doubts about his choice.
If she starts fussing, attacking him with calls, SMS, excuses for meetings, the male mind may perceive such behavior as an attempt to impose itself. And then, under the influence of doubts, it is more comfortable for a man to refuse to further continue the relationship.
Therefore, it is better not to put pressure on your partner with excessive emotions, but to build relationships without haste and fuss.
How to behave as a woman
The woman’s wisdom lies in the fact that she does not prevent him from temporarily moving away. And this only fuels male interest in himself.
If, at the stage of uncertainty, a woman, instead of pursuing a man, simply enjoys life, this will only benefit her. Plus, she will be able to appreciate what this relationship means to her.
In each case, the ambiguity phase can last from one week to two months. And even if at this time young people do not meet at all, this does not mean that he forgot her, stopped thinking about her, or found someone else. And it is wrong for a woman to evaluate a man’s silence in this way.
In fact, by giving her partner time to think and letting the relationship float freely, a woman appears in men’s eyes as confident, valuable and significant. And when that long-awaited call from a man finally rings out, the relationship begins to transition to a qualitatively new level. Now they both can definitely be calm and know that they will be the only ones for each other.
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A bit of reasonable egocentrism
Everyone wants to be the center of the earth. Come on, well, you can confess to us. You want it too. However, you don’t have to admit it to us, just admit it to yourself. Now admit one more thing. True, sometimes you really want someone to make a decision for you. It would be very convenient. First of all, you don't have to decide for yourself. And secondly, if you don’t like what comes out of this decision, you can safely place all responsibility on the person who made the decision for you. But wait, this means that someone is deciding something for you. So you are no longer in charge, you are no longer the center of the earth? Why is there a navel, you are no longer even a spleen, at most - a tail. Wow, that's not cool at all. You are the boss of your life, and we hope you strive for this in your work. Why else are you reading us? So put on a serious face and make a decision.
Why you should definitely go to the bar with your colleagues today In the office
Problem #1. Feelings have cooled
What exactly we feel for our partner depends not only on the strength of love, but also on the stage of the relationship.
At the beginning of falling in love, our levels of sex hormones, stress hormones and the neurotransmitter dopamine increase sharply, and serotonin, on the contrary, decreases - so we do not want to part with our lover even for a minute and constantly think about him. At the same time, the activity of the amygdala and hippocampus decreases, which interferes with critical perception. Then the activity of the logical part of the brain and the level of hormones and neurotransmitters are restored, and oxytocin and vasopressin come into play. If we translate from the language of neuroscience to the language of love, passion is replaced by affection. Now we notice our partner's shortcomings, worry less when he's not around, and pay attention to the attractiveness of other people. The thought arises: has love left the relationship? In fact, the best is just beginning: the body no longer reacts to its partner with increased cortisol and decreased serotonin, and love finally protects against stress rather than causing it. If you are in doubt because the feelings have become less intense, try:
- Accept your partner's imperfect side.
Psychologist Joy Davidson explains that at first we idealize a lover - this is a kind of “honeymoon”. When it passes, we discover shortcomings and decide that the person is “wrong,” sometimes unreasonably. The realization that with no partner the “honeymoon” will last forever and no person will be perfect will allow you to build long and close relationships.
- Focus on friendship. If passionate love - both the intensity of feelings and sexual activity - can subside over time, then time only strengthens companionate love. Connections based on friendship, comfort, and shared interests last longer and are more satisfying. Companionship and passion are not that far apart—attraction and attachment originate in the same parts of the brain, so stimulating one type of love also activates the other.
Signs of suspiciousness
Suspiciousness makes you constantly fear for your own well-being. Only disturbing thoughts come to mind, which significantly aggravate the situation. The personality strives to control everything, but in the end it turns out that control over oneself is completely lost. In this case, the individual begins to be guided by fears and concerns. Sometimes they become so pronounced that they do not allow you to live in peace. Symptoms of suspiciousness are noticeable even to an uninitiated person - they are so vivid.
Feeling of hopelessness
A person begins to feel as if he is in a trap from which he cannot find a way out. It seems that nothing in the world can help to understand the contradictory situation. A feeling of hopelessness in almost all cases accompanies suspiciousness. The appearance of this striking symptom indicates that the person has driven himself into a dead end and has brought the situation to the point of absurdity. Having become a hostage to our own fears, we find ourselves unable to act in accordance with our inner beliefs and fully accept responsibility for the events that occur. The feeling of hopelessness gnaws from within.
Fear
With developed suspiciousness, a person begins to experience a strong fear of life. He constantly experiences horror and fear of the unknown, he wants to protect himself from unpredictable consequences, to calculate everything in advance. Since this is hardly possible, the individual begins to be overwhelmed by uncontrollable panic. Fear increases the problem and leaves less chance of really understanding it.
Getting caught up in the experience
The individual truly feels trapped. He cannot influence his own feelings in any way: fears and anxiety intensify at the first suitable opportunity. Being overwhelmed by emotions is a clear symptom of suspiciousness. Sometimes people are in fear for several days, thereby driving themselves into severe stress. If such manifestations are noticed, it is necessary to try to correct the situation as soon as possible and think about how to get rid of nervous tension.
Constant anxiety
Any disorder is characterized by increased anxiety. An individual cannot independently understand the reasons that make him experience such painful feelings. A constant feeling of anxiety is something that is present with him throughout the day. As a rule, it is not possible to get rid of it by simply switching attention. It often requires significant effort.
Narrowness of consciousness
Developed suspiciousness does not allow a person to think about anything other than his problem. He is so immersed in the endless grinding of the situation that he ceases to notice the events that are unfolding next to him. In fact, such an individual is of little interest in anything other than his psychological and physical state. He cannot get out of anxiety for a long time, and this does not allow him to enjoy life. Very often, people suffering from suspiciousness remain aloof from what is happening and get lost in an unfamiliar situation. This is because all their thoughts are occupied exclusively with themselves.
Increased symptoms
When suspiciousness has formed, a person begins to be guided by vegetative reactions. As perception changes, disruptions in the functioning of the nervous system occur. As a result, physical manifestations intensify: trembling of the limbs, palpitations, increased sweating, dizziness, pressure surges. These symptoms indicate that the person is in a state of severe anxiety.
Who might experience impostor syndrome?
Suzanne Imes and Pauline Rose Clance, who first used the term to describe highly successful Caucasian women, initially believed that it only applied to women. It was later discovered that anyone can have this syndrome, although being a minority at school or work (in terms of gender, race, age, sexual orientation, etc.) may increase feelings of impostor.
Some evidence has linked impostor syndrome to childhood experiences, including parental accents and social pressure to succeed. Children who grow up in families where they are praised for their innate intelligence or natural talent rather than hard work cultivate a distorted view of success. And the emphasis on natural ability as the reason for achievement continues to grow with them into adulthood, when they face social pressure to succeed.
Epic with a toothbrush
This summer I spent under the banner of a fanatical approach, when I planned meals for the week, went to the store with my own packages, and did not buy anything packaged except eggs. But then I got tired of it. You cannot be a person who is forced to adapt to the existing reality; I believe that the infrastructure should also change to suit the needs of people. Now I'm less fanatical, I just understand the consequences that happen when I buy something in a package. If I can’t take a container and buy olives in bulk, I don’t kill myself, I just choose packaging that I can reuse.
I'm not the hero who has all the garbage in one jar. I’m just telling you what choices I make to reduce waste and not turn into a robot who refuses things that are important to me. And I know for sure: change does not happen overnight, it is a process.
This year I dedicated the quest “find yourself the perfect toothbrush.” Everyone recommends bamboo with degradable nylon 6 bristles. Firstly, this material has not yet been proven to decompose outside of laboratory conditions. Secondly, the bamboo brush needs to be sent to the compost, where it will decompose for several months. I don’t have compost, so the idea with such a brush immediately collapses. If it is simply sent to a landfill, it will be even worse. There are brushes with animal bristles, for example, from pig wool. This thought is not very pleasant to me.
The bamboo brush itself did not work for me. The bristles constantly fell out, this caused unpleasant sensations, that is, the process of brushing teeth itself became hell. During those very mandatory two minutes, I no longer brushed my teeth, but tried to finish this task as quickly as possible. As a result, the condition of the teeth worsened. I tried to find other options, I bought bristles made from tree bark, but they splintered into grains that could potentially become splinters in the tongue or palate, which is not cool. Unfortunately, I gave up all this searching and bought an electric toothbrush.
I reason like this: if my teeth are in normal condition, I will change my bristles every three to four months. It's small, so I can store it until the manufacturer comes up with ways to recycle or reuse it. But I will be able to brush my teeth better and avoid frequent trips to the doctor, which means money, medicine and a lot of disposable items for treatment that go to landfill. I chose the least evil for myself, but I'm not advocating for everyone to switch to electric toothbrushes, it's a matter of finding your comfort level. If you feel great about brushing your teeth with a bamboo brush, do it. But there are other things in life, and don't kill yourself if this brush doesn't suit you.
How to deal with impostor syndrome?
Dealing with impostor syndrome can be exhausting and tiring, but here are the key things to remember:
You've earned your place - there were no mistakes in recruitment
You were chosen for this job because people thought you were the best person to do the job, and you do it well.
Relieve stress - take time to make yourself happy
Take dance lessons, find a good gym, walk in the parks, watch your favorite movies and meet the people you love. Do this without feeling any guilt. You deserve to have free time!
Live with healthy expectations
Understand that perfection is not a realistic expectation for anyone. Set healthy expectations for yourself and focus on meeting them rather than chasing some unattainable idea of perfection.
Embrace your achievements
Instead of beating yourself up for what you haven't achieved, praise yourself for what you have already achieved. Find a way to acknowledge your accomplishments when you feel anxious about being found out. For example, tangible elements such as meaningful letters of recommendation or awards can be used as reminders of success.
Failure is important for improvement.
Approach challenges with the understanding that failure is a natural part of the learning process. Without failure there is no room for improvement. While this concept can be difficult to grasp, acknowledging the importance of failure can be effective in combating the symptoms of impostor syndrome.
Be kind to yourself
In the face of failure, we often become our own harshest critics. It's important to be kind to yourself and understand that mistakes happen to everyone.
Everybody feels the same
Although you may think that everyone around you is living peacefully, you need to understand that most people in a similar situation feel the same way. However, the only way to find out is by talking to other people, especially those who have similar interests, experiences and goals. Once you have chosen a safe place, share your feelings and fears with others so that together you can determine which ones are justified and which ones are not worth addressing.
To summarize: Believe in yourself and do your job with all your heart. However, if mistakes happen, take responsibility and be kind to yourself. Take responsibility for what you can control and let go of what you can't!
Do impostors experience imposter syndrome?
A study was conducted to find out if there are different types of impostor syndrome. In the sample of executives studied, two groups of people can be distinguished: “true impostors,” who suffer from pervasively negative self-consciousness, and “strategic impostors,” who suffered virtually no psychological disturbances.
The "true impostors" are apparently those who were originally described by Imes and Klans. These are people who truly doubt their abilities and believe that they are deceiving others about their achievements.
On the other hand, “strategic impostors” are people who claim to experience impostor syndrome when in fact they do not suffer from the corresponding sense of self. These people have fairly positive self-esteem and are generally carefree. They showed neither perfectionism nor procrastination in their work.
This is a more strategic form of self-presentation (as opposed to actual self-perception) and is practiced for gain. They downplay their accomplishments and abilities in order to appear more modest and maintain lower expectations of others. That's why they look more successful despite their supposed incompetence. They are not aware of their behavior, but they are well aware of their real abilities and competencies.
Now it's like that
I recently became a co-author of the course on careful consumption “Now So”. We are doing it together with Katya Kolchanova, owner of the Osoka Vysokaya store, and Anton Noginov, founder of the Gravity agency.
“Now it’s like this” means that we are constantly transforming. The main idea of the course is that everyone can make mistakes, and that’s okay. We did something, then we realized there was a better option, and now we do it that way.
The course works through mailing lists, which are booming in terms of content consumption. Once a week a letter arrives in the mail, if you want, do your homework, if you don’t want, just continue to receive information. Even if, after reading the letter, you did not distribute all your excess clothes to charity shops, the knowledge is still stored in your head.
The course is divided into several modules: “Garbage”, “Home”, “Wardrobe”, “Movement and Travel”, “Holidays”, “Work”. We want to make it possible in the future to be able to immediately select the desired module and only subscribe to it.
Katya writes all the letters, she has her own style, I want the texts to be in the same format. I process them: I structure the information, evaluate whether we have said everything. Anton looks at all the letters from the outside, he doesn’t see the drafts, we show him the finished version, and he gives feedback: what is not clear, where you want details, what should be removed.
Now more than 13 thousand people are taking the course, mostly Muscovites, but we have plans to go to the regions and share our ideas there. We recruited a small test group from our friends and sent them letters first. They give feedback and report bugs.
We created a closed Facebook group where course participants can communicate with each other and give us feedback. We are interested in people's experiences, because all our letters are about experience . Their ideas are one of the main sources of our inspiration, our edits and changes. This is what gives a clear picture of the world; in our case it can be distorted.
At some point, the modules will end, it will be necessary to further develop this story: to educate and connect the participants. We want to develop services that will help different market participants find each other. In Russia, infrastructure is just beginning to appear to meet these needs, and here people will be able to create demand for it themselves.
I want to learn conscious consumption
Nothing extra
No turning point
I don’t know where everyone came up with the theme with a turning point: I saw a picture of a tangled seagull in a bag, and my life changed: it was black, but became white, or, well, green. I didn’t have this, stories just accumulated related to the same animals, articles about garbage. I had an aversion to garbage even before I began to realize it while sorting at home. I already realized that I had too much of it. About two years ago, I started changing something in my lifestyle, using the same bottle until it turned into a wrinkled piece of plastic, eventually replacing it with a metal one, and instead of disposable coffee cups, I started using Tumblr.
I had a friend who sorted garbage, and I was inspired by how well she did it. But I was faced early with the idea that sorting garbage was not the answer, so I skipped this step. I continue to sort through things that end up at home, but my goal is to not bring any trash home at all.
