As the ancient philosophers said, communication is not only our urgent need, but also a great art. And, unfortunately, too few people own it, judging by the divorce statistics and the number of misunderstandings between parents and children in most families. But the art of communication can be learned! Today we will talk about one of the main skills of effective communication - active listening. The world first learned about this technique from Carl Rogers, the famous humanistic psychologist known for his ability to heal people simply by listening to them. The concept of active listening was developed in detail by Russian psychologist and teacher Yulia Gippenreiter.
Methods and techniques of active listening.
How to learn active listening?
Although it seems easy, active listening skills are not so easy. There are special courses where you can learn this; psychologists conduct Active Listening training, which can be very useful to everyone who has to deal with children: parents and teachers. Active listening methods can, of course, also be used in conversations with adult interlocutors. However, when working with children and adolescents, these skills become especially important.
How to use active listening? Examples from life can be very different. Let's say the class teacher is talking with a student whose performance in several subjects has dropped sharply.
Student: I don’t want to learn chemistry, I don’t need it in my life.
Teacher: You think that you won’t need chemistry in your life.
Student: Yes, I’m not going to study to be a doctor or a chemist, and no one else needs this subject.
Teacher: You think that you should learn only those subjects that you will need in the future in your future profession.
Student: Yes, of course. Why waste time on something you will never need?
Teacher: You have firmly chosen your future profession and you know exactly what knowledge you will need in it and what you will not.
Student: I think so. I have long wanted to be a journalist and deal mainly with the subjects that I need: Russian, foreign, literature...
Teacher: You think that a journalist only needs to know Russian, foreign, and literature.
Student: Of course not. A journalist must be erudite... Well, okay, I understand, I’ll learn a little...
Of course, after this conversation the student will not necessarily begin to take the chemistry lesson more seriously, but in any case the teacher made him think. Maybe it’s worth summing up this conversation with some kind of I-message: “I will be very upset if you realize that you still need the item, but it will be too late” - or something like that.
When comparing active and passive listening, it is imperative to keep in mind that silent listening is not necessarily passive. If you show interest in the conversation, look at your interlocutor, empathize with him, demonstrating this in every possible way, then you are actively listening, even if you are silent. There are often times when a child needs to speak out. In this case, he needs a listener, not an interlocutor, but a real, active listener - someone who really sympathizes with him, empathizes, and understands his emotional state. It will be enough if the child sees empathy on your face. In this case, intervening in his monologue is not very wise: you can simply knock the child down, and he will leave without speaking out.
Active listening techniques can be very helpful to the classroom teacher. But it is quite possible to use them in the classroom, especially if we are talking about a humanities subject, when schoolchildren often express their opinions about some events or a work they read. In this case, you need to remember a few rules.
- Never replace your child’s words with your own reasoning.
- Do not finish speaking for your child, even if you are sure that you have already understood him.
- Do not attribute to him feelings and thoughts that he did not talk about.
- It is necessary to renounce your own opinions and your own thoughts, try to throw all your intellectual and emotional strength into understanding the other person, adapting to him.
- You need to demonstrate your interest in all ways: verbally (I understand you; I agree with you) and non-verbally (look at the interlocutor, trying to ensure that the gaze is approximately at the same level: if the child is sitting, then it is better for the teacher to sit too, if he is standing, then stand, if the child is small, then you can squat down; maintain an expression of interested attention on your face; try to make your face express the same emotions that the interlocutor experiences - in this case it will be easier for the child to express what he thinks.
Sometimes this leads to surprising consequences: the student manages to look at the problem differently, suddenly become aware of those thoughts and feelings that he was not aware of before, but which were ripening in the depths of his consciousness.
As a result of active listening, the teenager himself becomes aware of what was previously almost hidden from him, what he did not pay attention to, and now, when he began to speak to an attentive interlocutor, he suddenly noticed and understood. And of course, the result of active listening will be that the teacher will better understand the students, which means it will be easier for him to work with them.
PS By the way, active listening techniques also work well with women, because they want to be listened to - and nothing more. But that is another topic…
Understanding the terminology
The concept of active listening is quite simple and complex at the same time. It implies a special communication skill that involves the semantic perception of the interlocutor’s speech.
This technique shows that all participants are interested in the conversation, makes it possible to correctly evaluate the words and presentation of the speaker, direct the conversation in the right direction and leave only the most pleasant impressions about yourself.
In addition, the process of active listening is always aimed at creating an atmosphere of trust and a desire to better understand and also accept the position of your interlocutor. This technique is actively used during the provision of psychological assistance. After all, a specialist, in order to help his client, must fully enter into his position and experience the same range of emotions.
Many psychologists claim that thanks to the techniques of active listening, you can quickly improve relationships between parents and children, as well as resolve intra-family conflicts that have long tormented the couple. Some virtuosos use this technique at work, and say that it is extremely effective.
What is active listening
By active listening, Yu. Gippenreiter understands various techniques that help adults better understand the child and show him their interest.
Active listening involves fully perceiving the information that the interlocutor wants to convey. You can't argue with the author. Misunderstanding is indeed a problem, because often we hear something completely different from what our interlocutor had in mind, and this can lead to sad consequences: misunderstandings, resentments, and in the long term - to serious conflicts and alienation.
A classic example of such misunderstanding is the “invisibility effect”; it was first described by the English prose writer G. Chesterton in the story “The Invisible Man”. Several people who watched the house at the detective's request said no one entered. However, the corpse of a man who was alive just before was discovered inside. Everyone is perplexed: who committed the crime? The main character guesses that all the observers, answering the question whether anyone entered the house, actually meant the question: “Did anyone suspicious enter?” In fact, a postman entered the building, but no one mentioned him because the observers misunderstood the question.
Books on the topic
- The wonders of active listening. Yu. Gippenreiter.
- How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk. Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish.
- How to talk to children so they learn. Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish.
- Learning the art of listening. A guide for those who want to improve their relationships with others. Kay Lindahl.
We can often observe something similar in our lives. We mean something one thing, but our interlocutor understands something else. After all, we all perceive information in the scope of our own life experience, and often also our own expectations, sometimes biased. In this regard, the technique of active listening, which helps to accurately understand the interlocutor, acquires special significance both in the life of any person and - especially! - in the work of a teacher and in the life of a parent.
Active listening techniques and techniques
Reception "Echo"
The first of these is the Echo technique; its essence is that the adult repeats after the child part of his statement. You can paraphrase a little, choose synonyms. For example, a child says: “I won’t do your stupid test!” The teacher repeats: “You don’t want to do this test.” Despite the fact that this looks somewhat similar to mimicking, such an “echo” not only does not lead to offense, but, on the contrary, makes you want to clarify your phrase, continuing the dialogue in a more or less rational direction.
Paraphrasing
Another technique is paraphrasing; the teacher seems to be retelling what he has already heard, trying to clarify whether he understood the interlocutor correctly. Often this is indeed necessary, because we do not always speak clearly enough for everyone, because the speech of each person contains many omissions and hints. All this is clear to the speaker, but not always obvious to the listener.
Interpretation
Finally, the third technique is interpretation. This is a conclusion, a summary of everything that has been said.
In more detail, the methods of actively listening to a child can be divided into the following groups.
Pause
The essence of this technique is the following: if we see that the interlocutor has not yet fully expressed himself, we must give him the opportunity to speak out completely, take a pause. There is no need to try to finish the conversation for him, even if it seems to us that everything is already clear to us. A pause is often necessary for a child to think about what he himself thinks on this topic, to formulate his attitude, his opinion. This is his time, and he must spend it himself.
Clarification
We need to ask the interlocutor to clarify whether we understood correctly what he means. This is often necessary because you may misunderstand the child's thought and see in it something that is not good or simply does not correspond to his intention.
In this regard, it is useful to recall the parable of the two apples. Mom entered the room and saw her little daughter holding two apples in her hands. “What beautiful apples! - said mom. - Give me one, please! The girl looked at her mother for a few seconds, and then quickly took a bite of both apples. Mom was very upset: does her daughter really feel sorry for the apple for her? But she didn’t have time to be properly upset, because the baby immediately handed her one of the apples and said: “Here, mommy, take this: it’s sweeter!” This parable reminds us how easy it is to misunderstand a person, to misinterpret his actions or words.
Retelling
This technique of active listening involves retelling in our own words what we heard from the interlocutor. Its purpose is to show your interest, and also to allow the interlocutor to correct us if we have understood something incorrectly. In addition, retelling allows you to draw some intermediate conclusion from the conversation.
Development of thought
This is a response to what was said by the interlocutor, but with some perspective; the adult, as it were, continues the child’s thought, makes an assumption about what these events or actions could lead to, what their reasons could be, and the like.
Message about perception
This technique consists of the adult informing the child that he has understood him. We are talking about a specific verbal message, but it is advisable to show it non-verbally: look the interlocutor in the face, nod, assent. It is unacceptable to talk while standing with your back turned or looking to the side.
Self-perception message
This is a message about your emotional state in connection with the conversation. For example, like this: I’m upset, your words upset me; or: I'm glad to hear that. This is a typical "I message", but in connection with the conversation it shows the presence of emotional contact.
Pause
People often underestimate the capabilities of this technique. But it gives the speaker the opportunity to collect his thoughts, consider the information and continue the conversation with new details. Indeed, sometimes after taking an active listening “pause” the interlocutor opens up even more fully.
For the listener, forced short silence is also useful. It allows you to step away a little from the emotions of your verbal partner and completely focus on his words.
